Cleaning

There are obviously a lot of things that I love. Some of them are normal things like gifts and surprises, and other things aren't quite as obvious, something such as cleaning. But I love cleaning. I also love organizing. I like to say "I love to do my Cs and Os!" But there are only certain types of cleaning that I like since cleaning can fall into many categories. These categories can be but are not limited to:

- dentistry
- janitorial
- Plumbing
- Chimney Sweeping
- Pipe cleaning
- Zoo keeping
- Gardeners
- Doctors
- People similar to Cinderella

I like to do the cleaning work of Cinderella but only for myself, and also not sweeping, mopping, or dusting. Mostly I like to just clean my own room. Jabron, on the other hand, even though he is a janitor, doesn't like to clean at all. I think part of it is because he can't bend down over his large stomach to pick up any trash. But today he informed me of another kind of cleaning he was getting done. That's when he told me he was going in for his colonoscopy. Too much information Jabron. Way too much information.

Hugs

In order to be completely happy, one must hug at least 8 people a day. This is a proven point. I know this because I thought it up right now and it seems like a viable theory. In saying this, I decided to try and promote this theory. When I was out of something, like a pastry or bagel for example, I would give the customer in need a coupon. The customer of course was looking for a coupon for a free bagel or muffin, but instead I wrote, good for 1 free hug compliments of coffee princess. Sometimes they were confused, but when I put my arms out for their hug, they saw the light. Unfortunately, I only gave out 3 hugs today, but it made me happier than when I hugged nobody, so I can only imagine how one would feel hugging 8 people.

Then confused Gerbil #2 showed up. I didn't want to give him a hug. After talking about boxing for the hundredth time, he decided to mention to me that he used to write poetry for funerals. I don't see where the connection between poetry and boxing lies, but it must be there somewhere. I guess I should have given him a hug.

First Aid

Today I performed First Aid. Good thing I have had practice with my own finger. A construction worker came in with a huge cut. He had slipped with a drill and managed to drill his own hand. Instead of covering it properly, he had his hand wrapped in duct tape. Naturally, I asked why he had duct tape on his hand. First I thought warts, but then I saw the damage. I told him that duct tape isn't a good method to heal a cut so then I performed CPR and gave him a band-aid. Just kidding about the CPR bit. That would have been a riot though. If only I was part of Girl Scouts and then I could have gotten a badge.

Christmas Gifts

Now is the time for gifts. Well, actually, I think gifts should happen all year round but then everybody would be poor, so I will accept gift exchanges only a couple times a year. These couple of times meaning all holidays, including my half-birthday. Today I received lots of Christmas gifts so obviously I was extremely excited. A lot of these gifts came in monetary donations. Others were random objects such as a periodic table place mat. This gift was from Panamanian Disguise. I have to say I prefer a place mat to a loofah so his gift was very much appreciated. And then there was a customer who wanted me to give him a gift. He didn't get the memo that I don't do that on Today, I just receive. For his gift he wanted my shirt. I think a better gift for him would be a nice big slap across the face, all in good holiday spirit of course. After all, his cheek would be red in honor of Christmas!

GingerSNAP!

In honor of Christmas I have felt in a very giving mood. I also have decided that it would be fun to be a baker or a chef. Sometimes in my house I pretend I am on Iron Chef competing against myself mostly. This makes cooking a lot more fun. It also could potentially make you look crazy if you are seen talking to yourself. I make sure not to look crazy. So during this particular episode of Iron Chef Coffee Princess I made gingersnaps. I thought it would be a good idea to quadruple the recipe. This turned out to be a great idea because I got a workout at the same time with the dough weighing a good ten pounds. After I made over a 100 cookies I brought them in for the judges, also known as my customers. This was also my secret plan to increase sales because people would smell the cookies and want to come in. I think my cookies were winners because they brought me bonus tips and there's nothing I love more than tips with a bonus in front of it! Now that's what I call a great day.

Whip topping

When deciding between two things, one real, one fake, some people like to choose the fake. Some examples of this are maple syrup, cheese, Christmas trees, and whip cream. Some people just prefer the more artificial version. I know this because for a short period I was obsessed with Velveeta Cheese. Unfortunately, I never got to try it, but that is not the point. A couple ordered mochas today and specially requested them to be topped with "whip topping." In all my years I had never heard this before. I am not sure what whip topping is but I would like to see what it looks like. I wonder if you scoop it from a tub or if it squirts from a can? I gave them whip cream instead, they didn't seem to mind.

Shortly thereafter came a man clearly on drugs. I didn't know this until he changed his drink 3 times while I was making it. After I threw out the 3rd one, I decided to give him my best annoyed look. I think it worked because he said "I'm sorry miss, I'm not trying to be difficult." I said "really? because you're not doing that great a job at it." Then when I was putting the lid on his drink for what I thought was the last time, he tried to change it again. I told him "No" so then he ordered a hot dog.

Wallets

I love wallets. I think they are so fun. They come in all sizes and styles so you can never really get bored with one. That's why I make sure to have at least 5. Split up my money and cards so it's always like I am finding money which is the best feeling. Just kidding. I don't do this but I think it is a pretty good idea. I just need to make enough money to afford 5 wallets first and then I can start this plan. On another note, I found a wallet today. It was small, black, and leather. I looked through it and realized that the guy is a customer at the caffe. So I saved it for him and he came back to get it. Then he ordered a mocha. Then he tipped me $20 for my good deed. Can I make a job out of finding wallets and returning them? I wonder.

Flight Attendants

There is a man who is the supervisor of the area. I like to refer to him as Italian Stallion. Not really because he looks like an Italian Stallion but because he thinks he is one. Every time he comes into the caffe he tells me that he is Italian and he once was a flight attendant. I am not sure what this proves, but it must be something that I haven't yet figured out. Today, however, Italian Stallion came running in the caffe with a present for me. You know how I love presents. This present was a 2 pound box of chocolate truffles topped with a sparkly bow. Then he reiterated that he was a flight attendant for 20 years and how he knows women. Really knows them. Knows them so well that he said "there are 2 things that women love, chocolate and strawberries." In his mind, women cannot resist these things. Speaking personally, he is correct. But I have other friends who think otherwise. So I informed him "well, actually, I have some friends who don't like chocolate." He ignored this comeback and repeated that he was a flight attendant and gave all "his women" chocolate and strawberries for Valentine's Day. Then he informed me that he was allergic to strawberries. I responded with "sorry to hear that. My sister is allergic to raspberries." Then he continued "everything swells up when I eat them. EVERYTHING." I didn't respond. That unfortunately didn't deter him. "all the women threatened to feed me strawberries and hold me down just to see my _____ swell. They wanted to see how big it could really get." I tried to hide my face of total disgust but I wasn't too successful. All I could do was say "good thing I don't have any strawberries here."

the Bleeder

I maybe had a bit too much coffee. Or maybe I had not enough. One way or the other, I wasn't functioning on a normal level. All the police officers were sitting in the caffe enjoying their coffee and invited me to sit down with them. I resisted at first but then decided, this could be fun (after all, I still am working to get a badge). I brought over some boxes that I was supposed to collapse. With no fingernails it's a bit difficult to break down a cardboard box. That's when all the cops pulled out their knives. There are a few things I am scared of: snakes, guns, balding, and knives. Little cop was sitting next to me and told me to use his knife. So I did. And then in my slightly scared state, I hit my finger. I was hoping that it was with the butt of the knife so I quickly moved my finger underneath the table so I could look at it in private. I was hoping nobody would notice but the look on the cops faces made me realize that I probably did cut my finger. So I looked. And sure enough, sliced it right through to the knuckle. This was pretty gross. Good thing I was wearing a red shirt. Then little cop felt bad.

LC: I feel bad
Me: Well you should. It's your fault
LC: Maybe you should learn how to use a knife
Me: Maybe I should.
LC: I feel like I should take you out to dinner
Me: I feel like you shouldn't. Plus I only eat at Morton's steak house
LC: I guess I will have to work a little overtime
Me: Lots of overtime because I like to eat lobsters and steaks. I've got an appetite
LC: I really feel like I should take you to dinner. I feel so bad
Me: I think I've already been tortured enough for the night
LC: It's my last day here, you know? I'm really going to miss you
Me: Well, you can always come back. The caffe will still be here
LC: Yeah, but I'm going to have to start studying at the academy.
Me: Sorry I can't talk to you anymore. I've lost too much blood.

Sexy Hats

Sometimes I like to play a game with myself. This game consists of me coming up with two things that don't go together. Some examples of this are

- elephants and mosquitos
- toothpick legs and egg-shaped bodies
- Transit Drivers and everybody else

Crazy bus driver came in today. He usually sticks to flipping his long gray hair like a girl at the counter, but today, he took it one step further. Today, he brought out a comb and began to brush his hair. This is quite disgusting. It was even more disgusting when I found his hair on the counter. While I was vomiting in my mouth he took the time to comment on my hat. My hat was an orange knitted hat with some flowers on it. I considered it cute. He called it sexy. I am not sure how a knit cap can be sexy, but he kept going. He then told me his whole heritage (knowing that I like foreigners) and asked me if it was enough foreign for me. He had me at Cherokee Indian.

Then I met a taxi driver minus a license. Not sure how this one works out but I am guessing in Ethiopia you must not need a license to drive a car. Sounds fun.

wobbly toothpicks

Toothpicks are great for picking your teeth. They are not great for supporting things, especially if that thing is heavy and also a person. I am referring to the Egg on toothpicks. He has a bit of a balance problem I have noticed. The last time he was in the caffe he almost fell off the chair. This time he was holding a drink (not from the caffe), ran into a chair, knocked it over and then spilled his drink all over the floor. I would have wanted to punch his face but I was so amused by his toothpick legs that I let it go this time. Then he just marched behind the counter and grabbed some towels. Apparently he thinks he is allowed to do whatever he wants, including go behind the counter like an employee. He needs to do a few more lunges before he can become an employee. I am afraid his legs might collapse underneath a case of water.

Gifts

Today was the day of gifts. It wasn't exactly my birthday but I pretended it was. Nobody really knew that I was pretending but I secretly celebrated it in my head. In honor of my "birthday" I received some hand warmers. These warmers were from Panamanian Disguise. Normally I would love this gift because I'm always cold, but then Panamanian Disguise also called me his girlfriend at which I decided I didn't like receiving gifts from him. Fortunately, it was followed shortly thereafter by a bucket of popcorn from another customer. And I love popcorn so I was feeling pretty good. Then to finish off my day, I met a young man who had a similar background to myself. I was getting excited about this because I thought, hey, maybe this guy wants to be my friend. But then he asked if he could take me to coffee sometime. Newsflash sir Robin, I work in a coffee shop, don't really want to go to one for a date. But I still gave him my phone number.

Shoniqua and her new diet

I thought that Shoniqua was still involved with her diet. I am always confused by this because one day it's a diet, the next day she is giving up. I think today was one of those give up days because she came into the caffe a total of 3 times today. The first time was for a 20 oz. hot chocolate with extra whip cream and a cup of noodle. Diet Off. The 2nd time was for some apple slices. Diet back on. The third time was for a cobbler dessert bar. Diet back off. Then the final time she came back for one more cobbler dessert bar because the first one was so good. Diet still off. It's a good thing she can be so flexible. I wonder what tomorrow will hold?

The 4 cent tip

Everybody knows how much I love tips. I mean, who wouldn't? I think I would also really love a job that didn't have tips. A job that involves perhaps an office, salary, and normal hours. You can imagine how much I love it when people say "so you went to an ivy league college...and you're working here?" That usually is my favorite comment. Today a man said "God, I hope my son doesn't end up like you. I'm not paying for his college to end up working at a caffe." Thanks mister. He paid for his coffee with a credit card. There is a line for a tip. I saw that he put something on the tip line. I said a premature "thank you" and as he walked out he told me "good luck paying back those student loans." Then I looked at the tip line and he had given me a 0.04 tip. I hope his son doesn't end up working in a caffe, I hope he ends up there. Luckily I didn't have to feel bad for too long because the next guy in line wrote down his phone number and passed it to me across the counter. He then told me "if I really wanted to pay back those loans, to give him a call because he has a great job for me." I don't know why today everybody was so concerned about me and my education. Maybe tomorrow I will find an official sponsor for grad school.

Gerbils love to dig

When people are bored, they like to do different things. Some imagine night clubs they wish they owned. Some think about food they are going to make later. Some think about coffee or alcohol, and some think of animals. Perhaps I fall into a few of these categories, but more importantly, when I'm bored I like to picture people as animals. There are two who no matter what, always come up as the same animal. This animal I call "confused gerbil." Since there are 2 of them I will call them confused gerbil #1 and confused gerbil #2.

Confused Gerbil #1 is an older lady who no matter what the weather is, is seen wearing sweat pants and snow boots and carrying a suitcase. I have never bothered to ask where she is coming from or where she is going, mostly because I don't want to interrupt the conversation she is having with herself. I like to watch her, as she watches the wall or the window, sipping her coffee, and I think "hello there confused gerbil #1, would you like a wheel to play on while you wait for your ride?"

Confused Gerbil #2 is actually an employee in the area. He is a very fast talker, has been punched a few times in the face (true fact) and really enjoys repeating himself. His hair is usually cut into a pseudo-mullet and his favorite word to say is "sweet." The first time I saw him as Confused Gerbil #2 was when he started to talk to one of the mannequins in the caffe. They are actually not mannequins but rather paper cut outs of people in a life-size form. They don't look 3-D nor look like real people (unless it's extremely dark out). Today he was even more of a Confused Gerbil when he was ordering at the counter. Actually, he doesn't have to order because I know his drink, so, unfortunately for me, he stands there and talks at me. I was wearing a shirt that said "Joe, is that you?" in reference to coffee. He repeated my shirt then shouted, No, Joe, it's me, Confused Gerbil #2. Oh to be confused and also a gerbil.

the Cigarette Plan

I am not a very big fan of smoking. Sometimes it's ok, but not when a person starts to smell only like smoke and their teeth turn black. Then I find this habit a bit on the disgusting side of things. On the other hand, I have a plan. This plan involves cigarettes. Lots of people come into the caffe looking for cigarettes. Of course we don't sell them. I don't know a single caffe that would sell cigarettes unless you are in a caffe in Europe. So, I got to thinking, why don't I sell cigarettes on the side? I can store them in my apron and when someone asks me, I can hand them over a pack and say $10. Then I can also sell nicorette gum in case they want to kick this habit. I realized the importance of nicorette gum today when a lady came into the caffe in a horrible mood. She was very rude and scattered. I gave her a drink as fast as I could, then she "forgot" to tip me, and then knocked over all the straws and left them for me to pick up. I was on the verge of punching her in the face but she walked out of the caffe just in time. That's when I noticed she had dropped her nicorette gum on the counter. Must have forgotten to chew a piece today. And that's why I must always have a stock of nicorette gum. This experience taught me just how important that stuff is and how great my side business is going to do.

Tramp Stamp

Tattoos are a fascinating phenomenon. Sometimes they look good, but lots of times, I just don't really like them. I saw an old man without his shirt on and on his back was a tattoo of a naked lady sitting on a stool. It was also saggy. Then there are the Jersey Shore boys. They love the barbed wire and "tribal" tattoos. What does these tribal tattoos mean? I might ask someone. But nobody has an interesting answer. I usually get peace, love, faith, or justice. There is a special kind of tattoo. These tattoos are called tramp stamps. They are located on the lower back, usually on women, but I think men can be tramps too, just to make things equal.

Today I was wearing a shirt underneath a sweater. The sleeves look similar to tattoos. For the day, I pretended I had "sleeves" (as is the tattoo term). Bernard, an older man with children and a wife, walks in and says, "hey beautiful! I thought for a second you had tattoos all up your arms." I responded, "nope," it's just my shirt. Then he continued "so why do you have the tramp stamps on today?" To which I said "excuse me? tramp stamps?" Given his age, he didn't actually know what or where a tramp stamp is located. Definitely not on the arms. Sorry Bernard, though the wrist is said to be very sensual in Ancient Chinese culture. I thought he would stop. But he ended on one last big bang "so, do you have a tramp stamp?" Then I gave him my final line "Do your daughters have tramp stamps?" He quickly changed subjects to aggressive driving classes. Apparently his son got in trouble by the Police. I bet he was distracted by his sister's tramp stamp.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty isn't one of my favorite stories but I still enjoy it as if it were. Sometimes I look at people and envision what they would be as animals. And other times, I picture them as foods that have legs and arms and maybe dance. There is a man who is a bit bigger on top and has these tiny stick legs. I like to picture him as an egg on toothpicks. On a good day, I see him as a muffin with dancing legs. This is a good thing because I can't help but smile every time he passes the caffe (and doesn't come in). Today, however, he had a change of heart and decided to come in. Instead of sitting at a table with chairs, he wanted to try the counter with the stools. I hear a crash, and down goes the stool. I immediately thought "humpy dumpty had a great fall." I expected to see him on the ground, but luckily it was just the chair. Unfortunately for him, I now like to quietly sing about humpty dumpy's great fall. It's too bad I don't actually remember how the story goes, only the part where he falls, so I just repeat that over and over again. Maybe sometime I will give him a performance while standing on a table. I think this is a good idea.

Riding Horses

There are lots of people who can ride horses. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I can count the number of times I have been horse riding on one hand. I also don't really like taking care of horses. I had to clean up after a dog and almost puked so you can imagine my reaction to horses. You can also imagine my shock when a man asked me if I rode horses. I don't know how he would think that. I answered "no." Then he told me that I looked like I would be an equestrian. I wonder what the "equestrian look" is. I didn't have to think more than a few seconds before he told me that I stood like I rode horses. I must stand bow legged, which does not speak well for me. But then I also remembered that I had my legs crossed at the time, so maybe I ride horses sitting side saddle, and that's pretty cool. I can go for that.

As I was thinking about my future as a horseback rider, I apparently neglected a customer. She sat in the corner of the caffe shouting at me to put more whip cream on her drink. First off, her drink didn't come with whip cream. Secondly, she couldn't even come up to the counter to ask for more whip cream. Thirdly, she should be on the same wagon as the other customers and skip the whip cream since you can lose 40 lbs a year from not having it.

Massages

Another thing I love are massages. I can't get enough of them. Usually a massage for me consists of me leaning up against a chair or corner of a wall and trying to massage my muscles. This is the most discrete way to get a massage in a public place, in my opinion. It usually doesn't do that much but it's great to tell people, "oh yes, I just came from my massage." This is great because it is true and people won't question you and will assume you came from a spa. This gives you high-class. The way not to receive a massage is from a random stranger at the counter of a caffe when you are ordering your drink. Inappropriate. The "masseuse" looked like the crazy guy from the movie "The Wedding Singer." Then he told me that he could give me one too. Inappropriate. For the next 5 minutes I watched them animatedly talk about massages. I prefer my wall corner.

Hot Dog

Judy has shifted her purchasing recently. Instead of a cookie with her coffee she now likes to buy hot dogs. Most people buy just one hot dog to eat for lunch. Judy, however, buys 2 hot dogs. One for now, the other for later. I am not sure why she wouldn't just come back when she wanted another one, so she can have it fresh, but I guess she LOVES the microwave. I will admit, microwaving is fun, but not that fun. Also, I don't think she should be eating 2 hot dogs a day. Seems like a bit of an unbalance. The good thing about this, however, is that I had more time to try to see what is in her rolly suitcase. I kept looking over the counter to try to see, but I still have no idea what she carries in there. I am so curious. I am going to pretend she has a cat in there and lots of lipstick. That seems reasonable.

Whip Cream

Whip Cream is so much fun. It's not just for drinks. You can use whip cream for pies, face masks, shirt decorations, and potentially as a PSR. After Thanksgiving, however, everybody wants to forget about whip cream. Apparently they have decided to start their diets before the next Holiday comes around. This makes me sad because sometimes I like to surprise people by putting the whip cream on top of the lid, instead of in the cup. I consider this more fun for both me and the customer. One customer informed me that if you cut out whip cream for a year, you can lose 40 lbs. "Ok, I am listening," I thought. I also thought, you can lose 40 lbs in a year if you stop eating like a horse. Then he started to talk about Subway and how dumb the workers are. I tried to agree with him but he kept talking and cut me off. Then he spoke to me like I was dumb too. Good thing I hid his whip cream on the bottom of his drink. Now who's the smart one?

Then Silver Fox walked in, looking good as usual. He started by purchasing an apple. Then by the end of our conversation he had bought a bag of nuts, a drink, and a cliff bar. I decided he's either trying to win my heart or I am a good salesperson.

PSRs

A PSR is a great thing. PDA, on the other hand, is not. It usually makes me really uncomfortable. Actually, it only makes me uncomfortable when I have to watch the PDA occurring. If I am involved, then please disregard my previous comments. A couple came up to the counter and I had to interrupt them several times to get their order. The first time, it's cute, then after that, it's annoying. Plus I feel like a creep watching them make-out at the counter, but unfortunately, I can't look anywhere else. When I finally got their drinks, they proceeded to the corner of the caffe where they could continue to make-out and straddle each other. I think that tomorrow I will have to put up a sign that says "Make-Out to Break-Out" because nobody wants acne.

What is a PSR? one might ask. A PSR is a Possible Sexual Reference. These are much more fun and less awkward.

For example, if you were to make a PSR to somebody you could say:

- I have to grab some extra napkins from the back room, care to join?
- I love men with manly hands
- I think you dropped something...
- send me a textual later? (textual is also code for text message, but put in this context, it sounds more sexual, therefore making it a PSR)

the Grinder

If we played word association these are some of the things you might come up with when I say "the Grinder."

- Hot dancer
- One who likes to grind
- Bump and Grind
- meat
- R. Kelly
- Espresso machine

Our grinder (for the espresso machine) keeps breaking. It's quite annoying when this happens. Usually it happens during rush hour which always makes for an even more fun situation. Tatiana gets the most annoyed with the grinder. I found this out today when I picked up the supply list.
This is her list:

- honey
- spoons
- sugar
- gums
- new grinder
- sexi man

I think I prefer the last item. If only we kept them in storage. I know I would do a lot more restocking ;)

Flared Jeans

Flared jeans are a look that has come back into style. You can see them on most women. Also skinny jeans and bootcut but I am not talking about those right now. Flared jeans can come in a variety of styles. You can get them with sequins, flap pockets, flowers, and even lace. Today I made the best discovery. This discovery was about flared jeans. I noticed that newspaper man was wearing a pair. These were also accompanied by white k-swiss tennis shoes. I would have thought he was a 12 year old girl had he not been wearing a neon vest. This outfit made me so happy I decided to try to talk to him today. However, our conversation consisted of the same old things. He wanted 9 cokes, I told him I wanted all his newspapers, he put the newspapers on my counter, then told me to go home. "I'd like to," I said. Then he said "ok. Go home now." And then miraculously, I got "extremely" busy and had to cut the conversation short. Sorry newspaper guy.

the Biggest Cookie

Judy is completely ridiculous. I knew that. Everybody knows that, but today she outdid herself. She came in tonight when I was closing to tell me to write up a note for the morning person. She wanted the note to say "Save the biggest oatmeal cookie with the most stuff for Judy." She didn't seem to think this was ridiculous. I asked her to please write a note for me. I wanted the note to say "no."

Then a regular customer came in and handed me a book. I love books. I love them almost as much as I love surprises but not as much as I love a book that is given to me as a surprise. But then I looked at the title of the book, "done." Interesting name I thought. But then I saw the smaller print. "what most religions don't tell you about the bible..." I don't really like this book. This is also the 3rd religious book I have received this year so I am starting to wonder what impression I must give to people. Probably one close to angelic. Probably.

Cologne

Yes, you can have too much of a good thing.

Good things that you can't have too much of:
- clothes
- coffee
- dance moves
- books
- heat
- foreign boyfriends


Good things that you can have too much of:
- hair
- alcohol
- cologne

A little squirt of cologne or perfume is delicious. I love it when someone walks by and leaves a little scent after them. I think it's really cute. Even for guys, unless they are wearing Axe which doesn't really smell that good. I almost couldn't make a coffee today because a man misunderstood how to use his cologne. I think he thought one squirt meant when you take off the top and dump half the bottle on your head. I held my breath while I made his coffee and as he sauntered off, his smell remained with me. And then I came up with a new word. Stell, which is a mixture of stench and smell. I think it could also be smech but stell sounds better.

Then Silver Fox came in. He's back. And he's still just as gorgeous if not moreso than before. Now that's some serious man candy. If only I could bottle him up and make that into a cologne.

Fingernails

Everybody has fingernails. Unless something is wrong with their hand, usually the fingernail is on top of the finger. Sometimes people are missing fingers and therefore don't have as many fingernails as a normal hand person, but that is ok. Still acceptable.

I am always fascinated by peoples hands. Maybe it's because mine are so beat up that I stare at other peoples. Currently the fingertips are burned off and each finger is sliced from things such as plastic yogurt containers, espresso grates, and knives.

For women, my favorite hands are:
- soft
- small
- mid length nails
- air-brushed nail design
- nails painted with an electric color

For men, my favorite hands are:
- manly

For some reason today, there were a lot of interesting hands that touched the counter. Unfortunately all the men's hands were everything but manly. Sad (mostly for me because I had to look at that). I guess besides crazy eyes, I have a pet peeve with men and their fingernails. I don't care if you are musician, you can still play the drums and/or guitar with shorter fingernails. That one long pinky nail isn't going to change much.

The thing about wearing a skirt

Skirts are great.
1) It rhymes with shirts
2) they can be long or short
3) They come in a variety of sizes
4) Guys love skirts
5) Girls love skirts
6) It's easy to wear spandex underneath one

Tatiana, after hearing my story about Jean Claude, decided that what I really needed was to wear a skirt. This was the one thing that would get him to ask me out. I was hoping that my personality, looks, or intelligence might be one of the factors, but the skirt easily won out. So to honor Tatiana's wishes, I wore a skirt. Actually I wore a sweater dress over leggings but the effect was almost the same. And what happened? I got asked out by Jean Claude. I guess she knows what she's talking about. Jean Claude tried to make the date for Friday. I was busy. Then he suggested Saturday. I was busy. Then he remembered it was his birthday. He was busy. Then he tried for the week after. I would be out of town. We both considered meeting up in 3 weeks but for some reason that seems ridiculous to plan a date a month in advance. I guess one could put it in the same category as making a dentist appointment.

Presents

I love presents. Love love love them. They are one of my most favorite things in the whole world. I don’t even care if the present it wrapped. I consider presents to be similar to surprises so it rates very high on my personal scale of greatness. I used to stay awake on Christmas Eve so that I would be the first one to check out all the presents. I would wait for “Santa” to deliver and then check out the goods. Of course this got me into trouble one time when I realized that “Santa” had delivered only the presents and left the stockings. Then I heard my mother downstairs. As I was hiding behind a wall, I saw her fill the stockings. I realized that my excitement for presents could not be deterred whether Santa exists or not.

I must have shared my love for presents too much because today I got a lot of them for no apparent reason. First I got a trinket from someone’s trip to New Orleans, then a customer delivered me dinner, and by the end of the day, the same guy who gave me a taster of sake gave me an entire bottle. Amazing. What a great day. I wonder what my actual birthday will be like.

The thief is caught

I utilized the police today for the first time. I was having a normal day when I saw him, the man who stole my tips. There was no money in my jar (luckily, but also sadly) and so instead of trying to steal more nonexistent tips, he asked me if there was a key for the bathroom. I told him no, that there was a public restroom that he could use. As soon as he left the caffe I called the police over. I reported that he was in the bathroom. Then they went over into the men's bathroom and waited. I was observing from behind the counter at a distance. Ten minutes passed and nothing. I started to think he didn't have to go to the bathroom, or he was just taking a very big poo. But the police finally tracked him down outside the stall. Then I filled out a report. Then the police took his information but proceeded to do absolutely nothing. Ten minutes later he was reported trying to steal tips from somebody else. Good work cops. Thank you for being there to serve and protect.

Snuggie

There is a guy who has started to come in. When he opens his mouth he sounds like he should be talking all the time. He has a very deep sultry voice but at the same time he’s a bit nerdy looking, so it’s quite shocking. For some reason, this is a bit attractive. Of course we got to talking, and then he shocked me again.

Jean Claude: It’s perfect weather for a snuggie

Me: Oh my gosh! I have one of those

Jean Claude: Are you serious?

Me: Would I lie about that?

Jean Claude: Wow, I have never actually met anybody who owned one.

Me: Yes, I got one as soon as they came out

Jean Claude: That’s truly amazing. Do you actually wear it?

Me: All the time.

Jean Claude: You should wear it to work

Me: I will be more prepared next time you come in

So Jean Claude wins some points.

- Knew what a snuggie was

- Ordered a black coffee

- Sat in the caffe reading a book that wasn’t a comic book or Mens Health

- Tall

- Deep voice

- Not socially awkward

We’ll see what happens next time he comes in. Maybe he will give me another snuggie as a gift. Then I can wear one the right way, the other backwards, and have my whole body covered in a blanket but still be able to move my arms.

Fallen

When I come to work, sometimes I want it to be busy and sometimes I want it to be slow. I guess it depends if I have work to finish. Today was quite busy. I had a line of people and an old guy at the end of the line. I kept hearing things crash and looking over. The old man kept knocking things over and not picking them up. Then he fell into the pastry case. I was wondering if something was wrong with him. I thought maybe he was retarded. By the time he got up to the counter and ordered his double espresso in a slurred speech, I realized that he didn’t have any actual physical problems, he was just drunk at 2pm. He did give me a $5 tip so that was acceptable. I handed him his little drink and put a lid on it, just in case. He asked me where the straws were so I pointed. I am not sure what happened between me pointing and him getting an actual straw, but I do know that 30 seconds later he was on the floor. I saw the newspaper kiosk fly across the caffe and then he was just laying there. I almost wanted to laugh but then he proclaimed “I’m just so sad!” I mean I would be sad if my zipper were open, I was drunk, I peed my pants, and I fell on the ground too. So I helped him up, re-made his drink, and then he wanted to thank me for being “so strong” by giving me a kiss. I told him no thank you. He finally made it out the caffe, only to stand right outside the entrance shouting “I’m sorry” every couple of minutes.

Unemployed

Generally I like repeat customers because I like to consider them my friends. Unless the repeat customer is Stick or Goldteeth, I am very friendly to them. I have a new repeat customer in the form of a very small older man. He orders the same thing every time, usually four times a day. I think it’s a little excessive but I guess the guy needs his coffee. I think 3 cups was a bit too much caffeine for him because then he started to talk, too much. Apparently he is unemployed. I understand that dilemma. I tried to help him and give him some possible options. That’s when I learned of his misdemeanor. Well good thing he only comes in 4 times a day instead of 5

A relationship with Stick

Stick decided to come for a visit today. He hadn’t been in for awhile, I started to consider myself lucky. But today, he was angry and decided that I would be the one to hear his story. Stick is clearly upset that Tatiana refuses to date him. Keep in mind that Tatiana is 27 years old. Stick is in his 60s. Stick has a stupid hair cut. Tatiana is super cute. Stick has a fake tooth, Tatiana has all her real teeth. Stick, I think, is a pedophile. Tatiana is not. Obviously nobody would date Stick unless they were just as crazy as him.

Stick ordered his drink and then talked to me about how Tatiana lost. I wondered what Tatiana lost but I didn’t dare ask that question. I didn’t want him to continue, even though I was quite amused.

Stick: You know I just finished a job, 7.8 million, and now I am moving projects, this one will be 4.3 million.

Me: Congratulations. That means you can leave me a big tip

Stick: You know, Tatiana is really losing right now

Me: Really?

Stick: Yeah. You can tell her that she lost out

Me: Okay, I will make sure to let her know

Stick: I don’t get why she’s with that guy. He sags his pants

Me: Well, that’s what she likes

Stick: Tell her when she wants to get with a real man…

Me: I don’t think you can call yourself a real man

Stick: Well, tell her that she really lost. Look at me

Me: I am. She seems to be happy. I think you are more upset about this

Stick: No, she really lost

Me: Okay, well hopefully sometime you will find someone for you. Good luck

Stick: Even though I am changing jobs, I know where you are. I am right here with you sweetheart. Love you babe.

Then he kissed his hand and reached out and touched my forehead. I bet tomorrow I will have a huge pimple there. And he wonders why he doesn’t have a girlfriend? Maybe he should start by getting a better hair cut, then a complete attitude adjustment.

Veterans Day

The good news is that today I didn’t have a pimple from Stick but who knows, there is still time. In honor of Veteran’s Day we decided to give away free latte’s to veterans. I was wondering how many people would come in and pretend they were Veterans.

The morning started off quite well and then the afternoon came around and all the fake veterans decided to come around. The best was a young man who looked like he had never gone through any sort of training in his life. He was also dressed up like a girl. He wanted a free latte so I asked for his Veteran’s card. Obviously he didn’t have one on him but he said he’d be right back with one. I waited but he never came back. Maybe he got lost trying to locate his Veteran’s card?

Particulars

Some people are very particular about things. Some examples are:

- Shoes
- Cinnamon Rolls
- Nachos
- Jeans
- TV programs
- Toothpaste

Judy is particular about absolutely everything. I sometimes wonder if she means to put the lipstick on her teeth. She is particular about her latte, her punch card, the hand sanitizer, and now she has become particular about the cookies. Today I had to pull out all the cookies so she could observe which one was the largest, had the most nuts, and was in the best circular shape. She bought 2 because she wasn't sure that the cookies would be as big tomorrow. Okay Judy, the cookies come fresh everyday, they always have the same things in them, and you wrapping it in a bag and taping it, doesn't make it just as fresh the next day. I wonder what the process was like for selecting her husband.

Bragging Rights

I love people who brag about themselves. I especially love how they find a way to throw their skill into every conversation. It's actually quite a talent to be able to do that without embarrassment. One person who has this skill-set is Antonio the janitor. When I say skill, you might think I am meaning it in a positive way, but actually I am talking about it as a negative skill.
There was a customer today who was a bragger himself. Before he even ordered his drink I learned about his amazing dance skills, his ability to play music, and the fact that he can speak 3 languages. And then he ordered a little girly, a big white mocha with caramel and whip cream. Instead of going to sit down, he instead stood next to the counter talking to me how he has amazing rhythm even though he's never formally taken a dance class. I pretended to stop listening, he kept talking. Then I thought, why don't you dance your way out of the caffe Antonio II.

the Homosexuals

I like to think that I am accepting of all people. I went to a school that was quite diverse in all sense of the word. Some people, however, are not aware that there are all different sorts of people in the world. This one person shall be called Bernard. I don't like that name unless it's prefixed with "Saint."
Bernard comes in a couple times a week and always orders an ice cream. Recently, he has started to order 2 ice creams and I can bet a plate of the best nachos that he eats them both. He is a very cynical older man and claims that everybody is rude in the city. I like to claim that they are only rude to HIM because he is rude. But I don't say that out loud in front of him.
Today, I was scooping his ice cream when he decided it was a good idea to start talking about "the homosexuals."

Bernard: The homosexuals are going to cease to exist
Me: What?
Bernard: In a few years, there won't be any left
Me: And who decided this? Hitler?
Bernard: No. I know this is going to happen. God would never allow it. You know, you're Muslim. They don't accept homosexuals.
Me: I'm not Muslim, and yes I do accept them. I have lots of friends who are gay
Bernard: That's disgusting. Well, God will have them wiped out soon. Moses didn't say anything about this in the Bible. People might as well start having sex with goats.
Me: Hmmmm, I don't really think that works that way. Seems to me you need to meet more people
Bernard: I don't need to meet any more people. They are all rude and horrible.
Me: Well, then I guess you are out of luck
Bernard: I lived with a homosexual once, and I know he wanted to have sex with me. So I told him that I wasn't going to have sex with me and then he tried to stab me with a knife.
Me: I'm sure that happened. Well, that's only one person.
Bernard: It's still disgusting
Me: The sun is coming out, maybe you should eat your ice cream outside

I think next week I will find a turban and wear it to work.

Godparents

There are lots of words with "parent" in them.
- Parent
- Parents
- apparent
- Godparent

Today, I am speaking on behalf of godparents. It's a big responsibility. Not many people know what is involved. Depending on your heritage, you may have different responsibilities or more responsibilities. One person learned that the hard way, and that person was a police officer. He became a godparent to a Mexican family. In accepting the offer he didn't know what was involved. $500 later he learned that being a godparent means buying a dress, throwing a party, and making sure to always remember the children's future birthdays. It's almost like having a child of your own. For some reason, unknown to me, I heard about this today. And then I got asked to be a godparent by a different officer. I said I wanted something in return because I don't need to be a parent just yet. Then he asked what I would like? Then I said, "free protection." As soon as he started laughing, I realized I probably should have come up with something else, like a uniform. And that's just why I am not ready to be a godparent yet.

Peace and Sake

Some people drink on the job. Others drink off the job. Some even drink before their jobs. I do all of the above but usually with caffeine instead of alcohol. I sometimes wish I could pour myself a mixed drink behind the counter and enjoy a little cocktail behind the counter. But then people might get their orders messed up, so I guess I will hold off on that for now.

I have a married couple who are customers of mine and it seems that almost ever day they are getting drinks after work together. I think it’s really cute. I’m also jealous at the same time because I want to do that. I told them the other day that next time, I’m coming with them for a drink no matter what (I’m sure they wanted an extra daughter). Today, they showed up with a little surprise for me! I was so excited because I love surprises and this surprise was in a backpack! When they unzipped it, inside were 2 bottles of sake. No, they didn’t give me the 2 bottles but they took 2 small cups and poured me some so I could try both. I flashed them a quick peace sign before they ran off, and began my taste test. It was pretty amazing. I knew one day this job would lead me to drinking.

Shoniqua on a diet Part II

Some of my new food obsessions consist of hot chocolate, pumpkin anything, and of course, as usual, nachos. I think Shoniqua also likes a bit of sugar. I think she has maybe lost 1 pound, or gained 2 pounds, I am not sure, because she keeps changing her hair which throws me off. Today she came in and I was expecting her to get some Kashi cereal again. She threw me for a loop and instead ordered herself the largest Italian Soda with cream and whip cream and a piece of pumpkin pie. At the point I figured she dropped her diet. As she was eating her pie she told me “Oh man, this is horrible for my diet. I really shouldn’t be eating this but it’s so good.” I had to laugh of course. But then she came back a few hours later, starving, and bought a banana. That’s a start Shoniqua. Nice work!

Muslims

Some people are very happy all the time. Some people are cynical and pessimistic. I put those two together mostly because I get to meet more of those people on a daily basis. There is a man who comes in a few times a week, and it’s the same thing every time. He loves to complain. Mostly about how people don’t like him and how people are rude. Apparently he’s never looked in the mirror, but perhaps I should bring one to work next time. He always wears a green stocking hat, these oval glasses, and has really bad teeth. We’ll call him Chaz, mostly because I don’t like that name.

Chaz thinks that I am Italian. I let it go the first couple of times but after week 2 I realized that I should probably tell him that I’m not Italian so he can stop making Italian comments to me. I told him that I was Middle Eastern (big mistake) and immediately he assumed I was Muslim. I told him no, I wasn’t, but he kept telling me how Muslim people are the nicest people. Also Buddhist people. Then he ended by saying that he met a person with a Turban once.

The Gangs all Back

The motorcycle/bowling team came back today. I was hoping they might have forgotten about me, but they didn't. They remembered I was the girl who made the "ball" comment. I tried to ask if they remembered to bring me my jacket but they didn't. Then they said that I had to earn the jacket. Somehow to earn a jacket one must leg wrestle the members of the motorcycle gang. I don't know about you, but this does not seem like an equal deal to me. I think I will just make my own jacket and wear it next time they come in. That will show them. I don't have time to play games.

Then a man came in and he seemed really cute. Future boyfriend? I think I should start having an application for them to fill out before I get involved, just to make sure they are at least the same age as me. However, I had a good feeling about this one. I mean, he had a suitcase with him and he didn't look homeless. He even told me that I could make him whatever drink I wanted. I made him close his eyes so that it could seem like a real surprise. I think he really appreciated the fact that I made it like a real surprise. So I presented him with my newest made up drink. He seemed to like it. I thought this was good flirting. Then I asked him if he was traveling or what. And he said no. Then I said, well why do you have a suitcase then. He answered, for clothes. I had no idea what that meant. Then he continued, "yeah, this way I can just change my clothes when I want." Of course I would find him cute. But then he said, "Just kidding!" What a guy, he knows how to joke. Then we were talking for a bit. He introduced himself as Johnny. Then another customer came and he started to walk backwards and crashed into our display case. Cute. Maybe he'll be back...with a surprise for me!

Herbal Teas

As I was walking to work today, it was raining. I was thinking about different things, like hot chocolates and cars, and then I slipped in a puddle. I think it was pretty funny, at least I had to pretend because I happened to fall right in front of a bus stop full of people. I slid down the hill, did something similar to the splits, and screamed OOOOO. Nobody helped. I still made it to work on time despite the quick obstacle. I was hoping this wouldn't be an omen for what my day would be. But it was...

- dropped a milk jug on my foot
- had milk explode onto my shirt
- flipped over a container of chocolate
- cut my hand on a yogurt container

Just kidding. Those things didn't happen, just the cut with the yogurt container. But I did have a lady order an herbal tea. She was quite annoying. Then I started to think about herbal teas instead of hot chocolates and realized that I find most people who get herbal teas to be very annoying. This lady especially. I heard about her nature camps, how herbal tea affects her digestive system, and how she makes all her own shirts out of hemp. After hearing all this I told her that I liked to drink just hot water and smiled. She smiled. Then I told her I met a lady who poked her eye out the other day. I bet herbal tea can't cure that.

Diets

I like the word diet, but only when it is said backwards. Then it sounds cooler and also like it's a word in German, Steid. Diets are too hard to follow in my opinion. Once I tried to be on one, but then all I could think about was food so clearly I gave that one up. I think it lasted all of 3 days. I also love when people come to order drinks and inform me they are on a diet. I especially love it when they order a blended 20 ounce mocha immediately after, but tell me to forget the whip cream because of their diet. I always want to say, well, the whole drink sort of contradicts your diet anyway so why not add the whip cream, but then again, I'm not the one on a diet.

Antonio has recently informed me of his diet. I forgot to tell him that I don't really care, but he comes in every single day to let me know of his progress. Apparently, today, he is down to 198 pounds. The things he can now do at 198 pounds are:

- bend over and tie his shoes
- sweep the floors with more energy
- Be a jerk for longer with his newly increased stamina
- Wear his zip-up fleece vest, zipped up

I tried to ignore him but it's hard when someone is standing directly in front of you demonstrating their new skill set and rubbing their belly at the same time.

Then another man came in shortly afterwards. He was a boxer in his day. We will call him Ken. He comes in every single evening. He also repeats the same things every single time. It is going on month 6 of me hearing about his days as a boxer. I think he got punched one too many times that he can't seem to remember ever telling me any of this. Poor Ken. Where's Barbie? Before he left, he told me about the pimples developing on his forehead. He seemed unhappy about this, especially since he's over 50. Hmmmm....

And then just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I spied Silver Fox, and then everything was ok.

Russian has finally returned

I was starting to think that Russian had actually made it in the music business. It had been a few months since I had seen him. Last thing I heard, he was headed to Miami to meet with some serious producers. I thought he was lying, then I thought, maybe I should have been nicer. Then today, he showed up out of the blue. I decided to ask him about his trip to Miami. Turns out, he never went. "Work" got in the way. I'm sure. So he never even went to Miami. I mean MIA, excuse me. So I asked if he was still doing music. Honest question. But now, apparently, he's over it. And to think I ALMOST thought he was serious about a music career. Now, he's focusing on taking a trip to Europe, to go back to his Russian roots. Maybe he will learn to speak some Russian before he goes. Perhaps next time I will suggest that to him.

Missing Eye

I think because I have an issue with eyes, I keep meeting people with eye issues. I try not to focus on it too much, but sometimes, it's very difficult and I can't help myself. Most times I wonder what happened, and other times I have to wonder where they are looking. I try to find these answers tactfully but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes I walk quickly back and forth behind the counter to see which eye is following me. Other times I try to talk about a personal accident and see if they tell me about theirs. Today, I didn't even have to do anything special. This lady just came right out and told me.



Yunis: Hey!
Me: Hi
Yunis: It's my birthday today
Me: Happy Birthday
Yunis: Yeah, but I poked my eye out 4 days ago
Me: Ouch, yeah, it looks like that happened
Yunis: Yeah, it was really bad. I almost died
Me: I'm sorry. Well I am happy you are alive now
Yunis: It was so scary. I mean, look at my eye.
Me: I did
Yunis: I have these glasses now. I guess I had them before but now I only see out of one side. I almost died! Then I wouldn't have been able to celebrate my birthday

And then she kept going. I went into the back room to re-stock and came out 3 minutes later and she was still going. I guess it was devastating. To me too Yunis. Maybe you should consider getting a glass eye so that your eye flap doesn't just hang over. I know someone who can help you out.

Hand Sanitizer

With the flu going around, everybody is in constant fear of getting sick. I like to think that I am immune to these kinds of sicknesses. Maybe that's because I also already had the swine flu and lived through it.

In honor of the flu we decided to put hand sanitizer on the counter so people can keep germ free hands. Sometimes I don't really like the smell of it, but other times, I appreciate the strong smell because it beats the smell of B.O.

Today Big Cop wrote $0.25 per pump on the container. And then everybody thought I was actually charging for the sanitizer. I thought it was funny. Big Cop thought it was even funnier. Some people didn't get the joke so I was forced to wipe it off. Reminded me of the time I wrote "Liquids = Death" on the trash can.

Gay Jokes

Everybody loves a good joke. I especially love jokes. I used to memorize a joke a day to be cool. I think I used to do this because I was shy and didn't know how to make friends and this for some reason, made me more popular. Then when I stopped being shy, I switched to pick up lines and forgot all my jokes.

Antonio the janitor still likes to tell jokes. This, however, doesn't make him cooler. If the jokes were good, then I might like him more, but they aren't. His joke repertoire began with mostly sexual jokes but now he has switched to telling only gay jokes. These I find even less amusing mostly because they are offensive and also because they all have the same punchline-"and he was gay!" You'd think he would stop telling me them since he's always the only one laughing, but that doesn't seem to stop him. Then he showed me a picture of him in his younger and hotter. This picture consisted of him in tight white pants and a tight white shirt plus pointy black shoes. Antonio, are you sure you aren't gay?

Syrians

A cute couple walks into the caffe. They ask for a cup of coffee. I say "we're out!" Funny joke huh? Not really. I just made it up.

But seriously there is a very cute couple. They sit for at least an hour and have coffee and talk. The man is from Libya, the girl is from here. He has an accent so naturally I asked him where he was from. And then I shared my roots with him. He found out that I was middle Eastern. I thought this was great except for the fact that I can't speak any Arabic. That seemed ok for him too because he said, well, Syrian women are the best. They take very good care of their men.

I think that this is only true in Syria. But I made sure to tell him that I would inform my Dad of this well known fact so he knows how good he has it.

Thank you Libya + girlfriend.