Naked Pictures

I like to make my transactions as fast as possible. I do this for a few reasons:

1) I work by myself so I have to
2) I don't want people talking to me for too long
3) I don't want to have awkward moments

I was making this man his drink. I rang it up so he would have time to get his money ready while I was finishing his drink. He had a different idea in mind and wanted to take as long as possible. In his doing this, I handed him his drink while he left his wallet open on the counter. Instead of rushing to get his money out, he just sat there staring into space long enough for me to notice the picture sitting on top of his money. This picture showed him with his children naked laying across a sheet in some photography studio. To me, this just seemed wrong. At least Anne Geddes dresses the naked babies up like fruits, trees, or vegetables.

Caffeine Overdose

I don't really think there is something as too much caffeine but maybe there is something called caffeine overdose. Since I've grown up on coffee, I figure I am immune to the effects of caffeine. But sometimes, I like to push the limits and see what happens. I think coffee is better than alcohol in this way because you don't wake up feeling sick.

Today, I was feeling a bit overtired so instead of my usual caffeine intake, I added an extra cup of coffee and 4 extra shots of espresso. This, at the time, seemed like a great idea. Once all of it hit my system, I quickly realized that maybe this wasn't the best thing to do. I was having a lot of fun, but I think some of the customers were taken aback.

Number of times I got asked if I was drunk: 4
Number of times people asked me where I was hiding the bottle of Kahlua: 3
Number of times I started to laugh for no reason: 10
Number of times I dropped something in the caffe: 6
Number of times I scared a customer: Every time

Hey, at least I found myself amusing. Will I do it again? Probably.

Back in Action

I see thousands of people on a daily basis, and lots of times, I see the same people. For some reason, I hadn't seen newspaper man for quite some time. I thought, maybe he has gotten sick? Maybe he learned to talk and got a job doing something else? Maybe he has gone on to become a model for flared jeans? But all these questions didn't need to go on unanswered for too much longer because he was back in action today. I tried to ask where he had been.


Me: Where have you been?
Newspaper Guy: Ouwa in yanow me
Me: Hmmm, right
Newspaper Guy: Upsairs!
Me: No!
Newspaper Guy: Sunay papah go up
Me: Ok
Newspaper Guy: Yeah
Me: Good to know
Newspaper Guy: You upsairs! Papa Sunay
Me: NO!

And looks like we are right back where we left off.

Verbal Handcuffs

"Verbal Handcuffs" is a concept that I am well versed in working at the caffe. Most people don't know what this means, but you should.

Verbal Handcuffs:
When someone won't stop talking (usually about a subject you have no interest in).
The talker has verbally forced you to stand there and listen, even though you have given many clues that you have checked out.

Even though I am at work and have many excuses to escape customers, I never seem to be able to do it gracefully. I get stuck in verbal handcuffs more often than not. I try to give lots of clues to let them know that I am no longer paying attention. Some of these clues consist of:

- counting money
- washing dishes
- closing my eyes
- moving to the farthest corner in the caffe
- pick up the phone and pretend to be giving someone information
- turning the music up

For some reasons, these clues will usually go unnoticed. Someone will ask me to please lower the music because it's hard for them to talk over the music. Some will shout to me from across the caffe. No matter how many times I say "what? I can't hear you" they don't give up.

The worst is when someone purposefully misses their ride so they can hang out with me for an extra hour. And that is exactly what happened today. Maybe I should invest in a taser?

How are you?

I like to think the most common question asked besides "can I get your phone number?" is "how are you?" Because the common knowledge behind this question is that the person asking doesn't really want to know the answer, you should always answer briefly and somewhat positively.


Some examples of good answers to this question are:


- fine
- I'm doing well
- Great
- Excellent
- Alright
- ok
- Tired

This question, in my opinion, is asked mostly to be polite. Most people don't really care about the answer unless they are your friend. In some cases, they may care but don't have the time to hear it. That is why most people answer with one word. Keeps things short and simple without getting too involved in someone else's business. Unfortunately for me, this concept goes over more peoples heads than I would like. I tend to get longer answers or just people talking about how bad their day was, even if I have a line of customers after them. My favorite answer came today from a middle-aged woman. She was clearly having a rough day, maybe even month.

Me: How are you?
Lady: I guess I could always be dead
Me: That doesn't sound too good
Lady: Well it isn't
Me: I'm sorry to hear that
Lady: Everything is going wrong. I missed my bus, I've been traveling all day, they messed up my lunch order, and now I have to wait here for another hour
Me: Well, at least you get to have a nice cup of coffee and enjoy the view
Lady: No, that's not what I want to do
Me: I hope you can find something you want to do. Hey, you didn't get pooped on by a bird. That's always a good thing right?
Lady: I want to get out of here
Me: Okay, well good luck. I hope the rest of your day goes better
Lady: It won't

Cheeseburgers

There are lots of things the caffe sells. There are lots of things any caffe sells, and these things usually fall all into the same genre. Pastries such as scones, muffins, croissants, and cinnamon rolls. There are even desserts like cookies, donuts, and cakes. If you are hungry, there are more savory options as well. These tend to be more on the "elegant" side of things like little sandwiches, quiches, etc. We, on the other hand, like to be different in that we also sell hot dogs. I suppose one might assume we also sell cheeseburgers, but that is wrong. We do not and will not sell those ever.

A lady came in today. She looked a bit frazzled. I thought she was talking to me at first, but then I realized she was talking to herself. I didn't question it since I get these kinds of people a lot. She starts to talk to me about a football stadium, nothing about the sport, just the stadium, and then orders an ice cream. I scoop it and hand her a cup of ice cream when she starts to act completely absurd. She can't find her wallet then takes out a little key and starts trying to "unlock" her purse. I am not sure she understood the concept of a purse and that one usually is not locked. Maybe a suitcase, but definitely not a purse. Once she figured out the key wasn't working, she asked if she could just come back and pay me another time. I'm sorry lady, but I don't think that's how a business works. And then she told me that she would like a cheeseburger at the stadium. I told her I'm sure she could find a cheeseburger there. She looked at me, proceeded to put on bright red lipstick, and then walked off talking about her cheeseburger.

Pity

There are lots of things you can say to a girl to make her feel good. Some of these examples are:

- You look absolutely beautiful today
- You make me want to be a better person
- When I'm with you, I lose track of time
- I can go to any caffe but I like coming here because you make me happy

On the other hand, there are lots of other things you can say to make her feel not so great about herself.

- Have you been eating too many of the pastries lately?
- You look really tired
- I pity the man who marries you

Now guess which comment was said to me? If you guess "I pity the man who marries you," then you would be correct. He quickly followed it up with, "he will have to put up with you and all your flirting." I am not sure if he was trying to make up for the previous comment or just wanted to continue making me feel like a real princess.

Then he brought me chocolate truffles. And chocolate doesn't solve problems, but I was craving it, so this time it did.

a Sequence of Events

1) Homeless Larry showed up today as I was walking to work. He decided to walk with me. As he smoked on his cigar (don't ask me where he bought that), he talked to me about the going-ons around the street that day. I had just missed a fight between a lady and a set of cups. The lady was screaming, then she got a cup of chowder, then the cops told her to calm down, then she threw her cup of clam chowder in a cop's face. I didn't quite get the rest of the story because I was entering the caffe and Larry has a restraining order.

2) Panamanian Disguise gave me another present. Among the shirt, loofah, place mat, and hat, today he brought me jicama. I asked for steak and lobster. I think jicama is pretty close, especially when topped with a lime.

3) I get a phone call at the caffe 30 minutes after I closed. This person wanted cannolis. I told them that I had already closed. That didn't matter to them because they REALLY wanted the cannolis. I, being in a nice mood, told them that I would hold off on closing out the register and make them their cannolis. Though I was trying to be nice, I also thought this would mean a big tip. I made the guy 6 cannolis, then he paid with a credit card. I looked at the receipt...no tip. I was about to be pissed but then I saw him reach for his wallet. I thought I would be getting at least a fiver. But then instead of money, he handed me his business card, "owner of a luxury car service." And instead of any sort of tip, he said "here, let me give you my business card. Why ride in a taxi when you can go in a Mercedes or jaguar?" He better have meant I would be getting a free ride to somewhere far away.

Radiation

I learned all about radiation today. I didn't know how it worked or who got it but a man enlightened me while I was making his coffee, and then more after his coffee was finished. He explained that he needed an extra large coffee because he hadn't slept in over 24 hours.



Me: Oh wow, that's a long time. Lots of work?
Ray: Not really. I just am not supposed to sleep for 36 hours.
Me: Oh. That's weird. I couldn't do that
Ray: Yeah, if I fall asleep, and the radiation hits, then I could die, so I have to be awake.
Me: I am not sure I understand
Ray: I am going through radiation. You don't really know when it's going to happen so you are required to stay awake for 36 hours
Me: Ok. That makes sense (not really)
Ray: So I have another day to go without sleeping
Me: I definitely couldn't do that
Ray: I have medicine I can take to stay awake too
Me: Well isn't that convenient? At least you can be extra productive
Ray: Yeah, I guess so. But it's hard when you are so tired.
Me: I'm sorry
Ray: This radiation...blah blah blah blah

Now, I am not sure if I heard everything correctly. I may or may not have zoned out after he said the word "radiation," but all I know is that radiation is not for me.

Reflections

There is that song by Christina Aguilera in Mulan called Reflections, but that's not the "reflection" I'm talking about. I love watching people check out themselves. I find it so entertaining. I wonder if people think nobody else can see them readjusting their outfit, or other things for that matter. I know for sure that I am always on the lookout. I wasn't even on the lookout today when I came across a lady checking herself out. I thought she was coming for a coffee. But then as I approached her, I realized that she was not looking at a menu or in the caffe. She was actually just checking out her reflection. She had enough time to fix her hair before I approached. She got all flustered and walked away, but not before she checked herself out one last time. The caffe must look like a one-sided window, like the kind they have in jail. If only it were, then my job would be EVEN more interesting.

Explosions

Explosions are only good in the form of fireworks. I can't really think of another type of explosion that is fun to have. I wish that I could bring fireworks into the caffe so that way I could make certain customers feel very special. Just imagine if I could surprise customers with fireworks every time they did a good job ordering. I have this feeling that sales would increase immensely once it caught on.

Today, however, I didn't have fireworks. Instead I had a coffee explosion. And no, it's not what you are thinking. I didn't put the filter in tight enough and when I tried to pour the shot, the filter flew off and I had coffee grounds all over. All over, meaning all over my face. And because I had a line, I didn't have time to clean it off. I think people started to tip me extra just because they were feeling sorry for me. Sad.

Japan!

I love Japan. I love everything Japanese (well, almost everything).

I love
- peace signs
- sushi
- Samurais
- Sumo wrestling
- Japanese characters
- the fact that you can buy food in a 7-Eleven and it's normal

The 1 thing I don't like
- wasting $20 on a vending machine in an arcade trying to win a key chain of a stuffed bean. (Don't worry, it had a cute face on it)

Today a cute little Japanese girl walked into the caffe. She was nervous ordering, but she did it. She ordered a large coffee. I wanted to make sure everything was ok, so I checked on her at the cream counter, but she was talking with her friend. It looked like she was trying to figure out how to say "you have something on your face." When she finished, she came back over to the counter and did the same sort of motion to me. I started to to rub my face and she started to look confused. Then she was finally able to muster up "you have a very pretty smile." Then she smiled, waved and walked away. Cutest girl ever. Man, I love Japan.

Perceptions

I like to think that I give off a certain vibe, that my own perception of myself is the same as other peoples. I must be totally off because I'm starting to think people see me differently than I see myself. I only realized that when people started to give me handouts of things they think I might like to do. The best handout was the one I received today about a women's seminar on spiritual healing and living. I went through a mental checklist of things that might attract a person to this

- hemp clothing
- yoga
- meditation
- drugs
- no shaving
- butterfly tattoos
- mystical creatures

I don't really do anything in this checklist, though I did attempt yoga for a couple months. I acted grateful for the information and pretended to be interested. Needless to say, I didn't attend. Almost.

the DUI

There are things that are embarrassing and/or shameful. I like to keep these things to myself. Other people, apparently like to share these little tidbits.

When working in the customer service industry, one tends to ask questions to be polite. I always like to make small talk with people. I don't usually expect honest answers. I especially don't want to hear an honest answer if it's complaining about something.

Me: Hi, How are you?
Joe: I'm just alright. Getting ready for a long day
Me: Oh yeah? I know those well
Joe: Probably not the kind I'm about to have
Me: Hmmmm, maybe not
Joe: Yeah, my day is going to be horrible
Me: I am very sorry to hear that. Whip cream?
Joe: I'm really going to need all I can get for what's going to come
Me: Well how about I throw in an extra shot of espresso for you
Joe: That would be nice. Maybe it will make the next 6 hours go by faster
Me: I hope so
Joe: So, do you know what I have to do
Me: (I was trying not to hear...)
Joe: I have to go to a DUI class. I got a DUI a bit ago so I have to sit through a class with a bunch of drunks.
Me: (Aren't you one of them too?)

And for me, none of this needed to be said. He could have stopped right before DUI class. But thank god he didn't. I might have stayed up at night wondering what he was going to do after he got the coffee.

Holding Hands

As we all know, I am not a big fan of PDA. It makes me uncomfortable, unless I am the one partaking, then I think it's ok. In my opinion, holding hands can be considered a form of PDA. This is only considered bad when inflicted upon someone involuntarily. Today I involuntarily acted in a PDA. This unfortunately took place with newspaper guy. He paid for his coke with a dollar bill and as he handed it to me, he grabbed my hand and held it. I didn't have any words except for a silent scream. When he finally let go, he walked off smiling. That's when I noticed his high waters. I think that I prefer his flared jeans. Another thing I prefer is that he doesn't touch me.