Wednesday, March 17, 2010

St. Patty's Day

I love almost all holidays. I strongly believe we should have more of them, as a matter of fact. I know that if we had more things to celebrate in this country, then everybody would be happier. Today, I celebrated St. Patrick's Day. This is always a fun holiday because anything that involves the color green, leprechauns, gold, and alcohol can't be anything but great. But as much as I do love holidays, I don't always love people on holidays.
St. Patrick's Day is one example of a day where I am not too fond of the people. It reminds me of frat parties where everybody is drunk and acting stupid and a lot of people have red faces.

Today I dressed up for the occasion. I tried to wear as much green as possible with as little coordination as I could get away with. In walks a man. We'll call him Patrick.

Patrick: How come you're not in a bikini
Me: Oh shoot, I must have forgotten to wear it today
Patrick: You would make more tips if you had it on
Me: I know that. Too bad that tomorrow is bikini day
Patrick: Well I'm not going to be here tomorrow
Me: That's too bad. You're going to miss it
Patrick: You can give me a preview
Me: Not allowed
Patrick: Come on, nobody is watching
Me: The cameras are
Patrick: We can go in the back room
Me: Would you like a coffee or not?
Patrick: I would like a latte. Come one, let me see
Me: No. You should know a little mystery is better
Patrick: A bikini is a mystery.
Me: I'm sure, but clothes are even more of a mystery so I will stick to that
Patrick: I can picture you in a bikini now...and I like it

Then right before I punched him in the face he said "Here's a dollar tip. I would have given you more if you had on a bikini"

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I began my shift, 30 minutes later in walks in the 1 person I was hoping to never see again...Goldtooth!

He came in and sat down. I immediately made myself extremely busy in the area that was furthest away from him. After I completely ignored him for half an hour, he got up and left to my amazement. I started to think, "wow, this guy is finally getting it. I am not interested."

I was feeling pretty good about everything and then a pregnant lady walked in. Usually I think being pregnant is very cute. This lady, on the other hand, was not at all cute. To use the words spastic would be putting it nicely.

Preggers: Do you know the number for Greyhound?
Me: No. Sorry.
Preggers: Look at me. I bought a $4 popcorn. I paid $4 for this
Me: That's a bit steep. Sorry. At least you have popcorn though
Preggers: I don't even want it. I should have bought the $3 popcorn, but now I have to eat all of this
Me: I bet you can save some for later
Preggers: I'm a mess. I paid so much money for popcorn that I don't even have. And I'm pregnant
Me: Sorry
Preggers: And I'm leaving my boyfriend. He got me pregnant. I'm having his baby. But I'm leaving him
Me: Oh
Preggers: Should I leave him? What should I do? This is my only baby I'm going to have and it's his. I only want one baby
Me: I have no idea. You should be treated well
Preggers: I keep hoping he will show up running after me, but he won't. I have to leave him. He got me pregnant. I'm having his baby!
Me: I'm really sorry. I hope things work out
Preggers: And I paid $4 for this popcorn!! Do you think I can catch the greyhound in 30 minutes?
Me: Lady, I have no idea. I wish you the best of luck
Preggers: I can't believe this. I'm leaving my boyfriend and I'm pregnant! But I love him. He's the father of this baby!

All I know is that if that's how people get when they are pregnant, I am in absolutely no rush.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Garbage Day

Taking out the garbage is one of my all time favorite tasks. I like it for the smell, mostly, but also for the thrill of throwing a large bag into an even larger bin.

I was down at the garbage station trying to toss in the trash bag but there was a man in front of it with all the garbage from the whole terminal. I asked if he could toss mine in for me (I was trying to be nice and give him double the thrill). He looked at me strangely and goes "is this from your car?" I thought this was funny. Why would someone have a huge trash bag in their car? I started to laugh and said no, this is from the caffe. Then I left to go back to the store. I was almost inside when I hear someone shouting "Hey!" So I turn around and look and this joker is down below shouting at me. First, I thought I was in trouble for something. Then he says

Javon: "I don't even get a name?"
Me: Why would you get a name?
Javon: Because I want one
Me: Well not everybody gets what they want
Javon: Just tell me
Me: No. You can guess it?
Javon: How am I supposed to guess it?
Me: You pick a name and guess it, that's how
Javon: That's not fair

Let me tell you a little something Javon, life's not fair. Better to learn that now rather than later. Sorry I have to be the one to teach it to you.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


I love it when people talk about jobs. Either they have one or they don't. There can be many reasons for this and I like to think this my personal goal to find out the particular reasons from each customer. Today there was a short man who chatted me up for a good half hour about his numerous jobs.

4'11: Do you like working here?
Me: Yeah, it's pretty interesting. You see a good mix of people. I was hoping for something I studied in college, but the economy's rough right now
4'11: What did you study?
Me: Graphic Design and Economics
4'11: So what are you looking for?
Me: I don't even know anymore. Something creative
4'11: I used to do IT for a huge company. I was working a lot
Me: That's good
4'11: You need to talk to people. Tell everyone you are looking for a job. I bet you see lots of Microsoft people
Me: I tell people
4'11: Well you should tell more. I am the best at getting jobs. Now I am a taxi driver
Me: Well that's great.
4'11: Yeah, I can't believe it. And I can make $100 an hour which is more than I ever made
Me: That sounds good. (so how come you didn't give me a tip?)
4'11: It's great being a taxi driver. I still do IT. I also used to own a business.
Me: Aren't you the jack of all trades?

And before I could find out more, another customer walked in to inform me of his days as a dishwasher in a restaurant. Currently he's unemployed. And also his daughter is a brat, according to him.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


The best kind of greatness is the kind that is discovered. Some people are impatient and instead like to self-proclaim their greatness to anybody who is forced to listen.

I was chosen as the listener. This customer asked me one question, not to know the answer, but as a way to start talking about himself.

Sir Dbag: Do you like your job?
Me: Yes I do. It's interesting
Sir Dbag: I don't really like it over here in the city. I have to come over to visit my girlfriend
Me: I bet that makes her happy
Sir Dbag: I just pierced her tongue
Me: Great
Sir Dbag: Yeah, I mean I already have mine pierced. I am a self-titled piercer and tattoo artist. I just got into it myself
Me: Nice...
Sir Dbag: I am also a published poet. I write poetry and it keeps getting published. I am hoping to go to school so I'll probably go to a 2 year but then this one place is offering me a full ride to go to their school because they like my work
Me: I'm sure they do. Congratulations
Sir Dbag: But I am in a bit of trouble because I got caught pirating music but now Microsoft is threatening me to work for them because I am really good at pirating.
Me: Seems to me you have a bright future
Sir Dbag: Why are the cops all standing right there? I hate cops
Me: (Well I hate you but that doesn't make you go away)

Why? That is only question I can ask myself.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Reading Minds

Reading minds is a gift. I don't really think I have this gift, but I can sometimes make people think that I do. I can do this by deciding for them what they want to drink. Usually I will just guess silently in my head what someone is going to order, but sometimes I like to say out loud, "Let me guess...a white chocolate mocha!" Sometimes people say "no." Sometimes, people say, "you know, that actually does sound good." And sometimes, people just say "ok." I prefer all answers except for "no."

Today, however, people were reading my mind instead. I say this because people brought me gifts. First I got popcorn, then I got chocolate bars, then someone brought me an order of spring rolls (they must have known I was tired of sweets), and then finally, someone brought me an entire pineapple. I like to call today "my lucky day."

Friday, March 5, 2010

Gettin the Ladies

I am all for relationships. I am also all for the single life. I am pretty much for whatever floats your boat. But if someone is looking for a relationship, I will be there to help.

Today, an old man came in, and talked to me about meeting a lady. He was so cute about it, that I had to chip in and help the poor guy out. So what did I do? Helped him pick out a shirt. I figured, if after 75 years you still can't ask a girl out, then you need to exercise all your options. One of these options being a shirt. This way he can advertise what kind of girl he wants and instead of having to approach someone, they can flock to him. Of course, if he looked like Brad Pitt it might be a bit easier, but everybody has different taste. So, what kind of shirt did I pick out for him? One that said "I like my coffee strong, my women sweet." He seemed pretty confident with it on, so I am just waiting for him to come back in with his new girlfriend to tell me thanks.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


A normal person has a fine time going pee. This doesn't seem like something difficult to do. But to some people, it can be very hard. And usually to those same people, it can also be a topic of conversation.

As I was walking to work, I was greeted by my homeless friend, Larry, who wanted to walk with me to work. As we walked, he talked to me about peeing. I had no idea what he was talking about but he was very animated about the whole thing, so I thought I should be polite and look interested.

Larry: Heya stranger
Me: Hey Larry, how's it going today?
Larry: You know how hard it is to go pee these days?
Me: I didn't know that
Larry: Yeah, you can't always pee in the same spot
Me: Yeah...
Larry: Sometimes you just have to pee on yourself because you can't make it to the bathroom
Me: That doesn't sound good
Larry: But then you are warm
Me: Alright (trying to escape)
Larry: I tell that to the other guys. Sometimes you just have to go in your pants
Me: Good luck Larry. I've got to run. I hope that you can work out a better bathroom system
Larry: Haha yeah. I know. Oh well. See you tonight!

I thought I escaped to the caffe safely, but then Phoenix was there. Then he handed me my poem.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


There are lots of awkward people in this world. There are also people who like to make awkward situations. And then there are professions that breed awkward people. One of these professions is police work. The police in uniforms tend to be the most awkward. It's almost as if they have no idea how to act when wearing a gun belt and/or bulletproof vest.

I thought that my awkward days were over, but I was wrong. I was working on my computer and trying to look as involved in my work as possible. This didn't seem to phase the police officer who kept standing at the counter just watching me. No, he didn't want a coffee. He just wanted to stand there and try to make conversation. I knew I was doomed after he told me he had no friends. For the time being, we will call him Phoenix.

Phoenix: What are you doing?
Me: I'm working. What are YOU doing?
Phoenix: I'm bored
Me: Shouldn't you be doing work too?
Phoenix: I thought I would come over and say hi. Try to make some friends
Me: Hi. I'm trying to apply for jobs. You have a whole world out there to make friends with
Phoenix: Oh! What kind of jobs?
Me: All sorts. I never have time to do it so it's nice right now
Phoenix: Yeah, I know how that goes. So what kind of jobs?
Me: Something creative
Phoenix: I used to write poetry
Me: Fascinating. Then write me a poem
Phoenix: Maybe
Me: Well, it's my birthday soon, so why don't you go think about a poem and get back to me when you finish it
Phoenix: What are you working on right now?
Me: A book
Phoenix: That sounds cool.
Me: Maybe you should go try to write a book and make friends at the same time
Phoenix: How am I supposed to meet people? It's hard
Me: You have to do stuff to meet people
Phoenix: Like what?
Me: Anything...volunteer, sports, at your JOB
Phoenix: Nobody wants to hang out
Me: I wonder why...

Well Phoenix, good luck with that. Maybe if you didn't bother people when they are trying to work, you would have an easier time trying to make friends.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Guess who's back?

If you guessed Goldtooth, you are wrong. If you guess Silver Fox, you would be correct. He came in special today to visit me. As usual, he stayed and chatted for a bit, until a friend called out to him. Instead of leaving, he called his friend over into the caffe and brought me another customer. What a guy. Then he called me a princess. After that, I remember nothing.