St. Patty's Day

I love almost all holidays. I strongly believe we should have more of them, as a matter of fact. I know that if we had more things to celebrate in this country, then everybody would be happier. Today, I celebrated St. Patrick's Day. This is always a fun holiday because anything that involves the color green, leprechauns, gold, and alcohol can't be anything but great. But as much as I do love holidays, I don't always love people on holidays.
St. Patrick's Day is one example of a day where I am not too fond of the people. It reminds me of frat parties where everybody is drunk and acting stupid and a lot of people have red faces.

Today I dressed up for the occasion. I tried to wear as much green as possible with as little coordination as I could get away with. In walks a man. We'll call him Patrick.

Patrick: How come you're not in a bikini
Me: Oh shoot, I must have forgotten to wear it today
Patrick: You would make more tips if you had it on
Me: I know that. Too bad that tomorrow is bikini day
Patrick: Well I'm not going to be here tomorrow
Me: That's too bad. You're going to miss it
Patrick: You can give me a preview
Me: Not allowed
Patrick: Come on, nobody is watching
Me: The cameras are
Patrick: We can go in the back room
Me: Would you like a coffee or not?
Patrick: I would like a latte. Come one, let me see
Me: No. You should know a little mystery is better
Patrick: A bikini is a mystery.
Me: I'm sure, but clothes are even more of a mystery so I will stick to that
Patrick: I can picture you in a bikini now...and I like it

Then right before I punched him in the face he said "Here's a dollar tip. I would have given you more if you had on a bikini"

Pregnant

I began my shift, 30 minutes later in walks in the 1 person I was hoping to never see again...Goldtooth!

He came in and sat down. I immediately made myself extremely busy in the area that was furthest away from him. After I completely ignored him for half an hour, he got up and left to my amazement. I started to think, "wow, this guy is finally getting it. I am not interested."

I was feeling pretty good about everything and then a pregnant lady walked in. Usually I think being pregnant is very cute. This lady, on the other hand, was not at all cute. To use the words spastic would be putting it nicely.

Preggers: Do you know the number for Greyhound?
Me: No. Sorry.
Preggers: Look at me. I bought a $4 popcorn. I paid $4 for this
Me: That's a bit steep. Sorry. At least you have popcorn though
Preggers: I don't even want it. I should have bought the $3 popcorn, but now I have to eat all of this
Me: I bet you can save some for later
Preggers: I'm a mess. I paid so much money for popcorn that I don't even have. And I'm pregnant
Me: Sorry
Preggers: And I'm leaving my boyfriend. He got me pregnant. I'm having his baby. But I'm leaving him
Me: Oh
Preggers: Should I leave him? What should I do? This is my only baby I'm going to have and it's his. I only want one baby
Me: I have no idea. You should be treated well
Preggers: I keep hoping he will show up running after me, but he won't. I have to leave him. He got me pregnant. I'm having his baby!
Me: I'm really sorry. I hope things work out
Preggers: And I paid $4 for this popcorn!! Do you think I can catch the greyhound in 30 minutes?
Me: Lady, I have no idea. I wish you the best of luck
Preggers: I can't believe this. I'm leaving my boyfriend and I'm pregnant! But I love him. He's the father of this baby!

All I know is that if that's how people get when they are pregnant, I am in absolutely no rush.

Garbage Day

Taking out the garbage is one of my all time favorite tasks. I like it for the smell, mostly, but also for the thrill of throwing a large bag into an even larger bin.

I was down at the garbage station trying to toss in the trash bag but there was a man in front of it with all the garbage from the whole terminal. I asked if he could toss mine in for me (I was trying to be nice and give him double the thrill). He looked at me strangely and goes "is this from your car?" I thought this was funny. Why would someone have a huge trash bag in their car? I started to laugh and said no, this is from the caffe. Then I left to go back to the store. I was almost inside when I hear someone shouting "Hey!" So I turn around and look and this joker is down below shouting at me. First, I thought I was in trouble for something. Then he says

Javon: "I don't even get a name?"
Me: Why would you get a name?
Javon: Because I want one
Me: Well not everybody gets what they want
Javon: Just tell me
Me: No. You can guess it?
Javon: How am I supposed to guess it?
Me: You pick a name and guess it, that's how
Javon: That's not fair

Let me tell you a little something Javon, life's not fair. Better to learn that now rather than later. Sorry I have to be the one to teach it to you.

Jobs

I love it when people talk about jobs. Either they have one or they don't. There can be many reasons for this and I like to think this my personal goal to find out the particular reasons from each customer. Today there was a short man who chatted me up for a good half hour about his numerous jobs.





4'11: Do you like working here?
Me: Yeah, it's pretty interesting. You see a good mix of people. I was hoping for something I studied in college, but the economy's rough right now
4'11: What did you study?
Me: Graphic Design and Economics
4'11: So what are you looking for?
Me: I don't even know anymore. Something creative
4'11: I used to do IT for a huge company. I was working a lot
Me: That's good
4'11: You need to talk to people. Tell everyone you are looking for a job. I bet you see lots of Microsoft people
Me: I tell people
4'11: Well you should tell more. I am the best at getting jobs. Now I am a taxi driver
Me: Well that's great.
4'11: Yeah, I can't believe it. And I can make $100 an hour which is more than I ever made
Me: That sounds good. (so how come you didn't give me a tip?)
4'11: It's great being a taxi driver. I still do IT. I also used to own a business.
Me: Aren't you the jack of all trades?

And before I could find out more, another customer walked in to inform me of his days as a dishwasher in a restaurant. Currently he's unemployed. And also his daughter is a brat, according to him.

Greatness

The best kind of greatness is the kind that is discovered. Some people are impatient and instead like to self-proclaim their greatness to anybody who is forced to listen.

I was chosen as the listener. This customer asked me one question, not to know the answer, but as a way to start talking about himself.

Sir Dbag: Do you like your job?
Me: Yes I do. It's interesting
Sir Dbag: I don't really like it over here in the city. I have to come over to visit my girlfriend
Me: I bet that makes her happy
Sir Dbag: I just pierced her tongue
Me: Great
Sir Dbag: Yeah, I mean I already have mine pierced. I am a self-titled piercer and tattoo artist. I just got into it myself
Me: Nice...
Sir Dbag: I am also a published poet. I write poetry and it keeps getting published. I am hoping to go to school so I'll probably go to a 2 year but then this one place is offering me a full ride to go to their school because they like my work
Me: I'm sure they do. Congratulations
Sir Dbag: But I am in a bit of trouble because I got caught pirating music but now Microsoft is threatening me to work for them because I am really good at pirating.
Me: Seems to me you have a bright future
Sir Dbag: Why are the cops all standing right there? I hate cops
Me: (Well I hate you but that doesn't make you go away)

Why? That is only question I can ask myself.

Reading Minds

Reading minds is a gift. I don't really think I have this gift, but I can sometimes make people think that I do. I can do this by deciding for them what they want to drink. Usually I will just guess silently in my head what someone is going to order, but sometimes I like to say out loud, "Let me guess...a white chocolate mocha!" Sometimes people say "no." Sometimes, people say, "you know, that actually does sound good." And sometimes, people just say "ok." I prefer all answers except for "no."

Today, however, people were reading my mind instead. I say this because people brought me gifts. First I got popcorn, then I got chocolate bars, then someone brought me an order of spring rolls (they must have known I was tired of sweets), and then finally, someone brought me an entire pineapple. I like to call today "my lucky day."

Gettin the Ladies

I am all for relationships. I am also all for the single life. I am pretty much for whatever floats your boat. But if someone is looking for a relationship, I will be there to help.

Today, an old man came in, and talked to me about meeting a lady. He was so cute about it, that I had to chip in and help the poor guy out. So what did I do? Helped him pick out a shirt. I figured, if after 75 years you still can't ask a girl out, then you need to exercise all your options. One of these options being a shirt. This way he can advertise what kind of girl he wants and instead of having to approach someone, they can flock to him. Of course, if he looked like Brad Pitt it might be a bit easier, but everybody has different taste. So, what kind of shirt did I pick out for him? One that said "I like my coffee strong, my women sweet." He seemed pretty confident with it on, so I am just waiting for him to come back in with his new girlfriend to tell me thanks.

Peeing

A normal person has a fine time going pee. This doesn't seem like something difficult to do. But to some people, it can be very hard. And usually to those same people, it can also be a topic of conversation.

As I was walking to work, I was greeted by my homeless friend, Larry, who wanted to walk with me to work. As we walked, he talked to me about peeing. I had no idea what he was talking about but he was very animated about the whole thing, so I thought I should be polite and look interested.

Larry: Heya stranger
Me: Hey Larry, how's it going today?
Larry: You know how hard it is to go pee these days?
Me: I didn't know that
Larry: Yeah, you can't always pee in the same spot
Me: Yeah...
Larry: Sometimes you just have to pee on yourself because you can't make it to the bathroom
Me: That doesn't sound good
Larry: But then you are warm
Me: Alright (trying to escape)
Larry: I tell that to the other guys. Sometimes you just have to go in your pants
Me: Good luck Larry. I've got to run. I hope that you can work out a better bathroom system
Larry: Haha yeah. I know. Oh well. See you tonight!

I thought I escaped to the caffe safely, but then Phoenix was there. Then he handed me my poem.

Awkward

There are lots of awkward people in this world. There are also people who like to make awkward situations. And then there are professions that breed awkward people. One of these professions is police work. The police in uniforms tend to be the most awkward. It's almost as if they have no idea how to act when wearing a gun belt and/or bulletproof vest.

I thought that my awkward days were over, but I was wrong. I was working on my computer and trying to look as involved in my work as possible. This didn't seem to phase the police officer who kept standing at the counter just watching me. No, he didn't want a coffee. He just wanted to stand there and try to make conversation. I knew I was doomed after he told me he had no friends. For the time being, we will call him Phoenix.

Phoenix: What are you doing?
Me: I'm working. What are YOU doing?
Phoenix: I'm bored
Me: Shouldn't you be doing work too?
Phoenix: I thought I would come over and say hi. Try to make some friends
Me: Hi. I'm trying to apply for jobs. You have a whole world out there to make friends with
Phoenix: Oh! What kind of jobs?
Me: All sorts. I never have time to do it so it's nice right now
Phoenix: Yeah, I know how that goes. So what kind of jobs?
Me: Something creative
Phoenix: I used to write poetry
Me: Fascinating. Then write me a poem
Phoenix: Maybe
Me: Well, it's my birthday soon, so why don't you go think about a poem and get back to me when you finish it
Phoenix: What are you working on right now?
Me: A book
Phoenix: That sounds cool.
Me: Maybe you should go try to write a book and make friends at the same time
Phoenix: How am I supposed to meet people? It's hard
Me: You have to do stuff to meet people
Phoenix: Like what?
Me: Anything...volunteer, sports, at your JOB
Phoenix: Nobody wants to hang out
Me: I wonder why...

Well Phoenix, good luck with that. Maybe if you didn't bother people when they are trying to work, you would have an easier time trying to make friends.

Guess who's back?

If you guessed Goldtooth, you are wrong. If you guess Silver Fox, you would be correct. He came in special today to visit me. As usual, he stayed and chatted for a bit, until a friend called out to him. Instead of leaving, he called his friend over into the caffe and brought me another customer. What a guy. Then he called me a princess. After that, I remember nothing.

Naked Pictures

I like to make my transactions as fast as possible. I do this for a few reasons:

1) I work by myself so I have to
2) I don't want people talking to me for too long
3) I don't want to have awkward moments

I was making this man his drink. I rang it up so he would have time to get his money ready while I was finishing his drink. He had a different idea in mind and wanted to take as long as possible. In his doing this, I handed him his drink while he left his wallet open on the counter. Instead of rushing to get his money out, he just sat there staring into space long enough for me to notice the picture sitting on top of his money. This picture showed him with his children naked laying across a sheet in some photography studio. To me, this just seemed wrong. At least Anne Geddes dresses the naked babies up like fruits, trees, or vegetables.

Caffeine Overdose

I don't really think there is something as too much caffeine but maybe there is something called caffeine overdose. Since I've grown up on coffee, I figure I am immune to the effects of caffeine. But sometimes, I like to push the limits and see what happens. I think coffee is better than alcohol in this way because you don't wake up feeling sick.

Today, I was feeling a bit overtired so instead of my usual caffeine intake, I added an extra cup of coffee and 4 extra shots of espresso. This, at the time, seemed like a great idea. Once all of it hit my system, I quickly realized that maybe this wasn't the best thing to do. I was having a lot of fun, but I think some of the customers were taken aback.

Number of times I got asked if I was drunk: 4
Number of times people asked me where I was hiding the bottle of Kahlua: 3
Number of times I started to laugh for no reason: 10
Number of times I dropped something in the caffe: 6
Number of times I scared a customer: Every time

Hey, at least I found myself amusing. Will I do it again? Probably.

Back in Action

I see thousands of people on a daily basis, and lots of times, I see the same people. For some reason, I hadn't seen newspaper man for quite some time. I thought, maybe he has gotten sick? Maybe he learned to talk and got a job doing something else? Maybe he has gone on to become a model for flared jeans? But all these questions didn't need to go on unanswered for too much longer because he was back in action today. I tried to ask where he had been.


Me: Where have you been?
Newspaper Guy: Ouwa in yanow me
Me: Hmmm, right
Newspaper Guy: Upsairs!
Me: No!
Newspaper Guy: Sunay papah go up
Me: Ok
Newspaper Guy: Yeah
Me: Good to know
Newspaper Guy: You upsairs! Papa Sunay
Me: NO!

And looks like we are right back where we left off.

Verbal Handcuffs

"Verbal Handcuffs" is a concept that I am well versed in working at the caffe. Most people don't know what this means, but you should.

Verbal Handcuffs:
When someone won't stop talking (usually about a subject you have no interest in).
The talker has verbally forced you to stand there and listen, even though you have given many clues that you have checked out.

Even though I am at work and have many excuses to escape customers, I never seem to be able to do it gracefully. I get stuck in verbal handcuffs more often than not. I try to give lots of clues to let them know that I am no longer paying attention. Some of these clues consist of:

- counting money
- washing dishes
- closing my eyes
- moving to the farthest corner in the caffe
- pick up the phone and pretend to be giving someone information
- turning the music up

For some reasons, these clues will usually go unnoticed. Someone will ask me to please lower the music because it's hard for them to talk over the music. Some will shout to me from across the caffe. No matter how many times I say "what? I can't hear you" they don't give up.

The worst is when someone purposefully misses their ride so they can hang out with me for an extra hour. And that is exactly what happened today. Maybe I should invest in a taser?

How are you?

I like to think the most common question asked besides "can I get your phone number?" is "how are you?" Because the common knowledge behind this question is that the person asking doesn't really want to know the answer, you should always answer briefly and somewhat positively.


Some examples of good answers to this question are:


- fine
- I'm doing well
- Great
- Excellent
- Alright
- ok
- Tired

This question, in my opinion, is asked mostly to be polite. Most people don't really care about the answer unless they are your friend. In some cases, they may care but don't have the time to hear it. That is why most people answer with one word. Keeps things short and simple without getting too involved in someone else's business. Unfortunately for me, this concept goes over more peoples heads than I would like. I tend to get longer answers or just people talking about how bad their day was, even if I have a line of customers after them. My favorite answer came today from a middle-aged woman. She was clearly having a rough day, maybe even month.

Me: How are you?
Lady: I guess I could always be dead
Me: That doesn't sound too good
Lady: Well it isn't
Me: I'm sorry to hear that
Lady: Everything is going wrong. I missed my bus, I've been traveling all day, they messed up my lunch order, and now I have to wait here for another hour
Me: Well, at least you get to have a nice cup of coffee and enjoy the view
Lady: No, that's not what I want to do
Me: I hope you can find something you want to do. Hey, you didn't get pooped on by a bird. That's always a good thing right?
Lady: I want to get out of here
Me: Okay, well good luck. I hope the rest of your day goes better
Lady: It won't

Cheeseburgers

There are lots of things the caffe sells. There are lots of things any caffe sells, and these things usually fall all into the same genre. Pastries such as scones, muffins, croissants, and cinnamon rolls. There are even desserts like cookies, donuts, and cakes. If you are hungry, there are more savory options as well. These tend to be more on the "elegant" side of things like little sandwiches, quiches, etc. We, on the other hand, like to be different in that we also sell hot dogs. I suppose one might assume we also sell cheeseburgers, but that is wrong. We do not and will not sell those ever.

A lady came in today. She looked a bit frazzled. I thought she was talking to me at first, but then I realized she was talking to herself. I didn't question it since I get these kinds of people a lot. She starts to talk to me about a football stadium, nothing about the sport, just the stadium, and then orders an ice cream. I scoop it and hand her a cup of ice cream when she starts to act completely absurd. She can't find her wallet then takes out a little key and starts trying to "unlock" her purse. I am not sure she understood the concept of a purse and that one usually is not locked. Maybe a suitcase, but definitely not a purse. Once she figured out the key wasn't working, she asked if she could just come back and pay me another time. I'm sorry lady, but I don't think that's how a business works. And then she told me that she would like a cheeseburger at the stadium. I told her I'm sure she could find a cheeseburger there. She looked at me, proceeded to put on bright red lipstick, and then walked off talking about her cheeseburger.

Pity

There are lots of things you can say to a girl to make her feel good. Some of these examples are:

- You look absolutely beautiful today
- You make me want to be a better person
- When I'm with you, I lose track of time
- I can go to any caffe but I like coming here because you make me happy

On the other hand, there are lots of other things you can say to make her feel not so great about herself.

- Have you been eating too many of the pastries lately?
- You look really tired
- I pity the man who marries you

Now guess which comment was said to me? If you guess "I pity the man who marries you," then you would be correct. He quickly followed it up with, "he will have to put up with you and all your flirting." I am not sure if he was trying to make up for the previous comment or just wanted to continue making me feel like a real princess.

Then he brought me chocolate truffles. And chocolate doesn't solve problems, but I was craving it, so this time it did.

a Sequence of Events

1) Homeless Larry showed up today as I was walking to work. He decided to walk with me. As he smoked on his cigar (don't ask me where he bought that), he talked to me about the going-ons around the street that day. I had just missed a fight between a lady and a set of cups. The lady was screaming, then she got a cup of chowder, then the cops told her to calm down, then she threw her cup of clam chowder in a cop's face. I didn't quite get the rest of the story because I was entering the caffe and Larry has a restraining order.

2) Panamanian Disguise gave me another present. Among the shirt, loofah, place mat, and hat, today he brought me jicama. I asked for steak and lobster. I think jicama is pretty close, especially when topped with a lime.

3) I get a phone call at the caffe 30 minutes after I closed. This person wanted cannolis. I told them that I had already closed. That didn't matter to them because they REALLY wanted the cannolis. I, being in a nice mood, told them that I would hold off on closing out the register and make them their cannolis. Though I was trying to be nice, I also thought this would mean a big tip. I made the guy 6 cannolis, then he paid with a credit card. I looked at the receipt...no tip. I was about to be pissed but then I saw him reach for his wallet. I thought I would be getting at least a fiver. But then instead of money, he handed me his business card, "owner of a luxury car service." And instead of any sort of tip, he said "here, let me give you my business card. Why ride in a taxi when you can go in a Mercedes or jaguar?" He better have meant I would be getting a free ride to somewhere far away.

Radiation

I learned all about radiation today. I didn't know how it worked or who got it but a man enlightened me while I was making his coffee, and then more after his coffee was finished. He explained that he needed an extra large coffee because he hadn't slept in over 24 hours.



Me: Oh wow, that's a long time. Lots of work?
Ray: Not really. I just am not supposed to sleep for 36 hours.
Me: Oh. That's weird. I couldn't do that
Ray: Yeah, if I fall asleep, and the radiation hits, then I could die, so I have to be awake.
Me: I am not sure I understand
Ray: I am going through radiation. You don't really know when it's going to happen so you are required to stay awake for 36 hours
Me: Ok. That makes sense (not really)
Ray: So I have another day to go without sleeping
Me: I definitely couldn't do that
Ray: I have medicine I can take to stay awake too
Me: Well isn't that convenient? At least you can be extra productive
Ray: Yeah, I guess so. But it's hard when you are so tired.
Me: I'm sorry
Ray: This radiation...blah blah blah blah

Now, I am not sure if I heard everything correctly. I may or may not have zoned out after he said the word "radiation," but all I know is that radiation is not for me.

Reflections

There is that song by Christina Aguilera in Mulan called Reflections, but that's not the "reflection" I'm talking about. I love watching people check out themselves. I find it so entertaining. I wonder if people think nobody else can see them readjusting their outfit, or other things for that matter. I know for sure that I am always on the lookout. I wasn't even on the lookout today when I came across a lady checking herself out. I thought she was coming for a coffee. But then as I approached her, I realized that she was not looking at a menu or in the caffe. She was actually just checking out her reflection. She had enough time to fix her hair before I approached. She got all flustered and walked away, but not before she checked herself out one last time. The caffe must look like a one-sided window, like the kind they have in jail. If only it were, then my job would be EVEN more interesting.

Explosions

Explosions are only good in the form of fireworks. I can't really think of another type of explosion that is fun to have. I wish that I could bring fireworks into the caffe so that way I could make certain customers feel very special. Just imagine if I could surprise customers with fireworks every time they did a good job ordering. I have this feeling that sales would increase immensely once it caught on.

Today, however, I didn't have fireworks. Instead I had a coffee explosion. And no, it's not what you are thinking. I didn't put the filter in tight enough and when I tried to pour the shot, the filter flew off and I had coffee grounds all over. All over, meaning all over my face. And because I had a line, I didn't have time to clean it off. I think people started to tip me extra just because they were feeling sorry for me. Sad.

Japan!

I love Japan. I love everything Japanese (well, almost everything).

I love
- peace signs
- sushi
- Samurais
- Sumo wrestling
- Japanese characters
- the fact that you can buy food in a 7-Eleven and it's normal

The 1 thing I don't like
- wasting $20 on a vending machine in an arcade trying to win a key chain of a stuffed bean. (Don't worry, it had a cute face on it)

Today a cute little Japanese girl walked into the caffe. She was nervous ordering, but she did it. She ordered a large coffee. I wanted to make sure everything was ok, so I checked on her at the cream counter, but she was talking with her friend. It looked like she was trying to figure out how to say "you have something on your face." When she finished, she came back over to the counter and did the same sort of motion to me. I started to to rub my face and she started to look confused. Then she was finally able to muster up "you have a very pretty smile." Then she smiled, waved and walked away. Cutest girl ever. Man, I love Japan.

Perceptions

I like to think that I give off a certain vibe, that my own perception of myself is the same as other peoples. I must be totally off because I'm starting to think people see me differently than I see myself. I only realized that when people started to give me handouts of things they think I might like to do. The best handout was the one I received today about a women's seminar on spiritual healing and living. I went through a mental checklist of things that might attract a person to this

- hemp clothing
- yoga
- meditation
- drugs
- no shaving
- butterfly tattoos
- mystical creatures

I don't really do anything in this checklist, though I did attempt yoga for a couple months. I acted grateful for the information and pretended to be interested. Needless to say, I didn't attend. Almost.

the DUI

There are things that are embarrassing and/or shameful. I like to keep these things to myself. Other people, apparently like to share these little tidbits.

When working in the customer service industry, one tends to ask questions to be polite. I always like to make small talk with people. I don't usually expect honest answers. I especially don't want to hear an honest answer if it's complaining about something.

Me: Hi, How are you?
Joe: I'm just alright. Getting ready for a long day
Me: Oh yeah? I know those well
Joe: Probably not the kind I'm about to have
Me: Hmmmm, maybe not
Joe: Yeah, my day is going to be horrible
Me: I am very sorry to hear that. Whip cream?
Joe: I'm really going to need all I can get for what's going to come
Me: Well how about I throw in an extra shot of espresso for you
Joe: That would be nice. Maybe it will make the next 6 hours go by faster
Me: I hope so
Joe: So, do you know what I have to do
Me: (I was trying not to hear...)
Joe: I have to go to a DUI class. I got a DUI a bit ago so I have to sit through a class with a bunch of drunks.
Me: (Aren't you one of them too?)

And for me, none of this needed to be said. He could have stopped right before DUI class. But thank god he didn't. I might have stayed up at night wondering what he was going to do after he got the coffee.

Holding Hands

As we all know, I am not a big fan of PDA. It makes me uncomfortable, unless I am the one partaking, then I think it's ok. In my opinion, holding hands can be considered a form of PDA. This is only considered bad when inflicted upon someone involuntarily. Today I involuntarily acted in a PDA. This unfortunately took place with newspaper guy. He paid for his coke with a dollar bill and as he handed it to me, he grabbed my hand and held it. I didn't have any words except for a silent scream. When he finally let go, he walked off smiling. That's when I noticed his high waters. I think that I prefer his flared jeans. Another thing I prefer is that he doesn't touch me.

If you can't lose em...

You might as well join them. Today was the last of the Hawaii days. In honor of this, I decided to celebrate. I decided to celebrate by joining them in their Hawaiin activities. This consisted of me getting lots of leis. By the end of the night, I had on 5. And I must admit, it felt pretty good.

Yelling

If there's one thing that I hate, it's getting yelled at. I used to get super embarrassed when I was younger, but now, being all grown up, I just get mad. Unless I've done something totally and utterly wrong, I don't think shouting at me is a good approach to get something done.

I had a male customer today who must have thought I was deaf when he walked in because the entire time he was in the caffe, he proceeded to yell at me. First he yelled out his order. Then he yelled for me to bring him napkins. Then he yelled at me because he couldn't find something. The last straw came when he yelled at me to turn off the music because he needed to make a business call. I gave him my meanest look to which he responded "I'm not trying to be a bother..."

Well, sir, you are. You are being a huge bother. I wish I could have thrown him to the ground. That would have taught him a lesson.

Therapy

It's always the people who need therapy the most, who have no idea they are crazy. I see these sorts of people all the time. Sometimes I interact with them multiple times a day. There is a lady who comes in a few times a week. She has a very high-pitched voice and likes to laugh a lot instead of ordering her drink. At first I thought she was always just nervous, but then I soon realized that, no, it's just how she is.

Each time she comes in, she tells me something she's doing. After 2 weeks, it started to seem like this lady had 5 different jobs. I have no idea how she would be able to operate such a schedule if she was also a college professor, as she claimed to be. It soon came out that besides being a professor, she also works at the Goodwill, is also a student, and also teaches at another college. Besides the multitude of jobs, she is married. Instead of an actual wedding ring, every year her "hubby" gets her a new ring from a vending machine.

Today she told me how she went into a counselors office at her college to talk to someone about a job search. (If she already had 5, I am not sure why this was needed). So the counselor apparently handed her a list of therapists instead. She then proceeded to show me the list, then laugh, and say "I'm not crazy!" I laughed back, because I think she is crazy. But then she looked at me with sad eyes and repeated, "I'm not crazy, right?" I felt bad, lied and said "of course not," to which she replied, totally relieved, "it must be my newly dyed pink hair. It doesn't look fake does it?" To this, unfortunately, I had no response.

High Fives

There are lots of things in life which call for "Congratulations." Some of these things might include, but are not limited to:

- Graduating from school
- Winning an event
- Getting married
- Receiving a promotion
- Getting the day off from work


There are also lots of different ways to give congratulations. Most commonly one will say "congratulations." Other times it comes in the form of a card, money, or balloons. Sometimes, it will come as a high-five.

Today, a man high-fived me, not once, not twice, but three different times. Not for anything I did, but because his wife was getting a boob job. Why I needed to know that, I have no idea. Why he was celebrating with me, I also have no idea. Whey he was drunk at a caffe instead of with his wife, again, I have no idea.

What a day.

Judy's Diet

Like Shoniqua, Judy has now officially started a diet. "My pants are getting tight," she informed me. What I didn't say was "Actually Judy, your pants are always tight." Instead, I responded "that always happens to me around the holidays as well. I say, eat what you want, just do a bit of exercise." But Judy and exercise don't go together. It gives her a headache. Well, then Judy, I guess I can't really help you out on that one. But you should have known that would happen when I guess every day you have 3 large lattes, 2 hot dogs, a cookie, and a cobbler bar. She decided to cut out the cookie. Hey, that's a start!

Work Ethic

Despite my efforts to lower Confused Gerbil #2's caffeine intake, I think someone else is undermining my power. He seems to continuously come into the caffe acting more and more hyped up. Though he generally talks about boxing, drugs, or ladies. This time to my surprise, it was something else. Much appreciated Confused Gerbil #2. Confused Gerbil #2 took up the topic of work ethic and endurance. These two attributes are very important. He has both, he told me.
CG2: Young people these days don't have worth ethic
Me: Yeah, I don't know. I think it depends on how your parents raised you
CG2: In my boxing days, I was traveling all over. I was offered so many drugs. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think drugs are good, but I used to do them and drink. I've been sober for 25 years now.
Me: Congratulations. I am proud of you. (now, what that has to do with work ethic, I don't know)
CG2: I digress. Excuse me. Back in my boxing days, you know, I worked hard. I was a fighter. People just want money without working
Me: Yeah...
CG2: But you, you're so fine, with people in line, making things rhyme, in my time, coffee so fine...
Me: (oh no, and here we go again)
CG2: But you have great work ethic. And lots of endurance.
Me: Thanks Confused Gerbil #2.

And once again he kills me with the compliments.

Oy Vey!

There are many expressions one can use to express emotion or amazement. In a conversation, generally speaking, someone will vary their expressions. Instead of saying, "wow" after every sentence, they will say "wow" or "cool," "very neat," and maybe even "awesome." Today, a lady came in who has never heard this concept before, because after every 5 words, she would say "oy vey!" It was amusing to me at first, but then it stopped being amusing, especially when certain things didn't call for an "oy vey" at the end. I wanted to ask her where she learned this trick, but I was afraid the answer would have consisted of "oy vey" being repeated twenty times over.

To make this day even more remarkable on the repeating front, Confused Gerbil #2 was back. He had a coffee before coming in, so I knew I was in for some fun. He repeated the same rhyme from last time, told me about his boxing days...AGAIN, and then stood at the end of counter telling me I should receive a standing applause because I am so great. I would've been annoyed if it weren't for the last comment, so maybe I should start giving him extra caffeine. After all, who doesn't love a compliment?

Split Shots

Sometimes caffeine can be a good thing. Other times, caffeine isn't so great. I like to think it's only one-sided for me, and that is that it's always great. Without caffeine I am clumsy, not very nice, and not as good at multi-tasking. But it's amazing what a few shots of espresso can do. I think for other people, like my customers, it might seem like I shouldn't have as much caffeine as I normally do, but that's beside the point.

Confused Gerbil #2 is a special case where caffeine isn't the best idea for him. Maybe it was all those years boxing, or the drugs, but the caffeine makes him crazy. He starts to talk to paper cut-outs of people, shouts, and recites "poetry" to anybody who is in his near vicinity. Unfortunately, that person usually is me, and as much as I love hearing things that rhyme with "fine," it gets old after about 30 seconds. Today, I decided to take matters into my own hands and gave him part decaf, part regular. I consider myself doing everybody a favor, unless he falls asleep at work, and then I will confess to my wrongdoing.

Peaceful creatures

When someone says Native American, different words come to mind. Some of these words are:

- dream catchers
- peace
- fireworks
- casinos
- Indian Reservations
- Feathers

Fighting and drunk, however, are two words that don't come to my mind. When I looked out the window the other day I saw a group of Native Americans fighting. They were all shouting incoherently at each other and looked like they were fighting. Then I realized they were drunk. Then they started hugging each other. Then it looked like they were fighting again, but maybe it was something I didn't understand. At least they almost had a balance between fighting and hugging. That has to count for something right?

Sugar

Jabron likes to try to "steal some sugar" as he calls it. I wish he were talking about real sugar, or brown sugar, or any kind of sugar that one can bake with. But he is referring to a different kind of sugar. This is a normal conversation held between a girl and Jabron








Jabron: Hey baby. I miss you
Female: Hey
Jabron: Miss you
Female: Yup
Jabron: Miss you
Female: Miss you too
Jabron: Now give me some sugar
Female: no
Jabron: Miss you

and this can go on for another 5 minutes. Today I was carrying supplies. My arms were full and I could barely see over the pile of cups I was holding. That's when Jabron approached without my noticing. Then he came over and kissed me on the cheek. I was so startled and horrified at the same time that I dropped everything in my hands. And that's when he spurted out his signature comment "I stole me some sugar!"

I guess I must have told people that I would be handing out free sugar all day because later, Panamanian Disguise came and tried to take some away from me too. He wanted it in the form of a wave and blown kiss. Unfortunately, (for a random passerby) he was waving so frantically that he knocked a girl in the face. No sugar for you Panama.

Mission Accomplished

As you've heard me before, I like to complain a bit about Hawaiian day. They just keep coming back. They are like an annoying dog that won't go away, maybe one can put them in the same category as SoyJoys. This time, however, it was much better. These people didn't' take their job overly seriously and so instead of playing for 4 hours straight, took a few breaks. I was feeling so happy and excited about Hawaii that I almost didn't notice Silver Fox walk in. Luckily I came too right in time.


SF: So you're still here?
Me: Of course! Just waiting for you
SF: Does your father know you talk like that
Me: Yes, that's why he pays me so much. I just rake in the customers
SF: You are nuts
Me: (only for you)
SF: So I see you got a lei
Me: Yes I did. It's a special one too. Inside a flower was a ticket for a free trip to Hawaii
SF: No kidding
Me: Yup. I can go with 5 friends
SF: So when are you leaving
Me: Tomorrow morning
SF: Oh really
Me: Yes. I am getting picked up in the morning by my private plane.
SF: So is that all part of the deal?
Me: Yes
SF: So are you just going by yourself
Me: No, you are going too. Have to meet here at the caffe at 6am though, then we will catch our limo to the private plane

And then he smiled at me, told me he would be there at 6am sharp, and the old man in line behind him said he would be there too. Now that's what I call Mission accomplished

Divorce

I don't really know much about divorce. I know that you have to file papers. I also know that divorce means you become separated from someone you were previously with. Other than that, I don't know anything else. Well, I guess I also know that it starts with the letter D and ends with an E.

Short man enters...

Shorty: I just saved a lot of money today
Me: That's great. I love it when that happens
Shorty: Yeah I saved $280 dollars
Me: Wow that's a lot of money. How did you do that?
Shorty: I filed for divorce!
Me: That's all you got?
Shorty: No, that was how much the paperwork cost.
Me: ummm, ok
Shorty: But I don't make enough to pay that, so I saw the judge
Me: Fancy
Shorty: Then I explained how I don't make any money and he stamped my papers saying I don't have to pay the divorce application fee
Me: Almost like college. So what would you like? Something to celebrate?
Shorty: a tea. Do you have chai?
Me: Would you like a chai tea latte?
Shorty: No. I want the cheap tea. The kind that comes in a bag

And that's the thing about divorce. It usually costs $280 but sometimes it's free.

Audio Books

I think bus drivers are very interesting.

First, they can drive a bus.
Second, they deal with more crazies than I do on a daily basis.
Third, they get to speak through a microphone.
Four, they tend to be crazy themselves.

Then there is Fred, formerly a rock star musician, now a bus driver. For the longest time he referred to me as the Italian. No matter how many times I would tell him I wasn't Italian, he still continued to begin every single order with "Ciao Bella." Maybe from all his days as a rock star, his hearing has gone and he wasn't ignoring me, but rather, couldn't hear me tell him I wasn't Italian.

Today he started talking in a Scottish accent. I know for a fact he is not Scottish nor does he have an accent. Naturally, I ask why today he has an accent.

Fred: Oh Darling. It's because I have just written a novel
Me: Wow, that's impressive. So is this your way to advertise your book?
Fred: It's actually an audio book.
Me: Ok. And the accent is for...?
Fred: I am going to be reading the book, so I have to practice my accent
Me: I don't think you need a Scottish accent to read a book
Fred: Oh Darling...It's for one of the characters. I have to speak like a Scottish man during the day if I want the character to come to life.
Me: That makes sense. Of course.
Fred: I heard that if you practice enough, then it comes naturally. I don't want to be making any mistakes while speaking in the microphone
Me: So, what's your book about?
Fred: It's actually part of a trilogy. Science Fiction. I don't mean to brag but it's going to be as great as Star Wars.

Unless all the characters have accents, I know I won't be listening to his book on tape.

Selling

There are lots of things someone can sell.

- phone cards
- cakes
- candy bars
- Clothes
- coffee




Usually when I am working, I am the one selling things. I try to sell lots of things using my good sales techniques. Today, however, someone came in trying to sell something to me. This something was a box of batteries.

Vendor: You want to buy some batteries?
Me: No thanks
Vendor: But they're batteries
Me: Yes they are
Vendor: So you wanna buy them then?
Me: No. I don't need batteries
Vendor: yes you do
Me: Do you want to buy some coffee?
Vendor: No
Me: Why not?
Vendor: Batteries
Me: You don't need batteries when you have coffee

And then he walked away. I almost had him

Fake Tans

Tanning is an interesting concept. It's ok when it's real, but when it's fake, then it's pretty ugly. I saw the fakest tanned lady in my life. She was also in her 50s. I wanted to talk to her about her health but then got distracted by somebody calling out my name. I looked up to see who this could possibly be and was shocked to see Goldteeth. He has returned. This is why I should own a motorcycle. Then I could join a motorcycle gang, look tough, and wear a cool leather jacket with my name on the back, and be able to hop on my bike and leave whenever Goldteeth is in a nearby vicinity.

Hi Drunky

Unannounced to me, today was another day celebrating Hawaii. I like Hawaii. I want to go there. I just don't want to listen to the same Hawaiian music on repeat for 4 hours. I should have taken this as a sign that today was going to be an "interesting" day but I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt.

First entered a man who smelled horrible. He wanted a coffee so I got it ready for him. When I tried to get his money, it looked as if he was stuck trying to count. I waited. Then I waited some more. Then I thought he had fallen asleep, so I took the bills for him. When began to tip over at the counter, I realized that no, he doesn't have a sleeping problem, he is just drunk. Then I imagined the conversation I would have with him.

Me: Hey there buddy. Thirsty?
Drunk: Heya. Really thirsty. Give me a brewsky
Me: I don't serve those here. But I wish I did. I would have one too
Drunk: Oh don't worry, I have a couple in my pocket
Me: Perfect
Drunk: Do you have a bottle opener?
Me: No, only a can opener
Drunk: That's ok. I can use my teeth
Me: Wow, what a man.
Drunk: I've had practice.

And I couldn't even think of the rest of the conversation because I was interrupted by his presence a 2nd time. And this time he had poo smeared on his face.

Breaking Diets

There is a younger, military man who comes in almost every single day. I like to secretly call him Sven. He usually gets the same thing. For the first month, every single day he came in to buy a yogurt parfait. Then the 2nd month, he started to add in a bottle of water. At 3 months, he threw in a banana too. Recently, he's started to show up sweaty and also in a t-shirt. I couldn't quite figure out how this could be. I was always freezing in 5 shirts and a sweatshirt.

Me: I'm impressed with your ability to wear short sleeves in such weather.
Sven: Yes. It's because I have started to work out
Me: Oh that's great. I guess working out will make you hot
Sven: I've started to run, getting myself into shape
Me: I think it's an excellent plan
Sven: It's hard to run with my backpack. Especially with my computer
Me: Yes, I would agree
Sven: I'm also trying to eat healthier. It's my New Years resolution
Me: I always forget to make those. I think you're doing a great job on eating healthier.
Sven: Thanks. I feel good.
Me: When you get a 6-pack, let me know. I'll tell you my evaluation of it.

5 minutes later...

Me: Hey Sven, do you want to try a little bit of a milkshake
Sven: Sure
Me: Do you like coffee though?
Sven: Not really. (after a comment like that, how he first decided to come into the caffe, I have no idea)
Me: Well, it's an espresso milkshake but it's not that strong
Sven: Wow, this is delicious

Then the next day guess who ordered an espresso milkshake instead of the usual banana and yogurt? Oops. And he got it with whipped cream.

Speaking of breaking diets, poor Shoniqua hasn't been able to keep hers for even a day. Those damn cobbler bars.

Missing Teeth

I wish I didn't have to deal with a lot of crazy people on a daily basis, but unfortunately, I do. These crazy people today didn't have front teeth. They also liked to sing at the counter, and no, they didn't have good voices. And then I had to kick out two people. I felt bad at first but not when they started asking all my customers for their money.

Judy's Big Day

Big Day can mean lots of things. Big Day can mean

- win the lottery
- Land a new job
- Have a baby
- find a boyfriend (or girlfriend)
- win at a circus game

But for Judy, big day means something totally different. For Judy big day means

- She purchased 3 egg nog lattes
- She also purchased 2 hot dogs
- She did it all with lipstick on her teeth

Congratulations Judy.

Accomplishments

Today was a day of accomplishments.

1) Humpty Dumpty came in and bought his very first coffee. Though it was the smallest cup of coffee ever, he made an actual effort to become a customer. Then he called me "Dear." I let it go the first time. But then he called me "dear" 4 more times. Excuse me Humpty Dumpty but the word "dear" should be reserved for your little bicycle pants.

2) Confused Gerbil #2 professed another accomplishment to me today. I learned that he was married multiple times. Usually bigger numbers means more accomplishments, but sometimes it can mean the opposite. For example, the more times you have been married doesn't count. But then again, weddings are fun. Confused Gerbil wanted to talk about multiple marriages, I assume, because he brought it up without me asking. He professed "third time's a charm," but then immediately took that back because now he's on his 4th wife. And I guess he never really did write poetry, he just spoke at funerals, and sometimes he rhymed.

3) Judy bought her largest amount of Egg Nog lattes at one time. She purchased three 20 oz lattes then stood at the counter while I helped the next customer. The next customer was a man. After he left, she told me to be careful, because men are scary. Right Judy. The scariest kind of man is one who orders a double Irish cream latte.

New Year Celebrations

Most people have New Years Day off from work. I, fortunately, got to work. I didn't mind too much because people were very thankful for having me be there and therefore were extra nice. The nicest customers of the day were the ones who were still drunk. Three guys showed up and at first they looked hungover from the previous evening's activities, but within a few seconds, I realized they were actually just still drunk. They let me select all their beverages and then the just kept throwing more money in my tip jar. I wish everybody was drunk all the time every day.