Business Cards

Things that Malaysians love to do:
- Name their kids English names that are not popular anymore
- Swarm single tasks like bees
- Shop
- Hang out in shopping malls
- Hand out Business cards

Since I landed here, I have collected 10 business cards. No matter where I go, someone hands me their card and wants to know if there is a place for them to work too. Here are the top 5.

1) Keith: Certified Barista
2) Henry: Store Manager of Tony Romas
3) Leroy: Public Relations of the caffe
4) Daniel: Manager of the caffe
5) Brittany: Radio Host

Testing

I am tired of testing drinks. I can't even tell the difference between a good mocha and a bad mocha. Then all the employees leave for a lunch break. I just want something refreshing. I see a can for Cucumber drink. I say Drink because I really have no idea what it was but it had a cucumber on the front. As the Malay people say Cucumber is great for cooling (they have all these theories on food and whether they are for cooling or heating). I feel proud for remembering this detail, purchase the cucumber drink with great excitement. Then take my first sip. What is my reaction you might ask? HORRIFIED. This tastes like somebody ground of caramel corn and then pureed it into a can. Such disappointment. Back to the blended mochas I guess...

Drunk Uncle

Today is the big Wedding Reception. Another day of half-training at the caffe since the wedding is more important. I wonder if I can wear my sari again? I want to but then people will know that it's the same one and I only have one sari. I can't let them think that.

The wedding dinner has about 800 people. These are the people I am sitting by:
- Daryl
- Julia
- Leroy

I am not sure where they get their names but I LOVE IT! I make it all the way through dinner. Then the music starts. I have been practicing my Bollywood dance moves but to my dismay they play American music instead. And that's when I meet the Drunk Uncle. There always is one at every event. He keeps telling me that I have to dance with him. I politely refuse. He won't let me. But then he continues to run off, probably in search of more drinks. Thank god for drinks. He then leaves for the restroom. I decide that's my cue to sneak out. But of course right as I start leaving he comes out of the bathroom. I give my best tired face accompanied with a hug, then tell him his drink is waiting for him.

Coffee princess = Saved
Uncle = Drunk

Levels of Productivity

The day was supposed to start at 10am. I am ready. Nobody shows up. Then I wait some more. Start to dose off. An hour and a half later people show up. Apparently Malay time is different than real time. I can get used to this as long as we aren't trying to be very productive. So I took it upon myself to compile a list of all the people I have met up until now.

Things that people in Malaysia are not:
- On time
- Efficient
- Productive
- Fluent in English
- Tall

Things that people in Malaysia are good at:
- Speaking Malay, Chinese, or some form of Indian language
- Eating spicy foods
- Being small
- Laughing
- Delivering things to you
- Getting undercover right before it starts to rain

What really is a monsoon?

I have only read about monsoons. I have never witnessed one. I maybe still haven't witnessed one but I will just say that I did because that sounds cool. What's even cooler is that I got stuck in this so-called monsoon. I was out taking a break from the shopping mall where the caffe is located. I decided to make a little tourism. Then the clouds started to move in. I thought quickly and decided it was a good time to head back to the hotel for a little and grab my umbrella. I'm half-way when the first drop falls. Then 2 seconds later, it just starts pouring (really hard I might add).

I picked out the best rain day outfit too. A white dress. Leather shoes. No umbrella. So I arrived back at the hotel dripping wet, wearing a see-through white dress. I tried to laugh it off. But then everybody was staring at me. And I was leaving a wet trail on the nice marble floor. Oops.

Land of the Small

Finally I arrived to Malaysia. It only took a good 22 hours! I was expecting something like the tropics of Costa Rica or Hawaii even. However, it's quite the opposite. I am in the middle of a city, surrounded by huge buildings which are actually shopping malls and food courts, and also at the same time surrounded by really tiny people. I feel like a giant which is quite fun because I have never felt that way before. I also have come to realize that I don't really want to ever be a giant.

We were taken from the airport by a driver and the manager of the new caffe. Then some of his friends met us and I was taken to find an outfit for the Indian Wedding I would be attending that evening. I think that my excitement to own a sari was daunting to the soon to be trainees. They didn't know whether to laugh or be scared. They started laughing so I figured I could get a little carried away. After all, I was trying to fit in.

I was fitted for my very own sari. In the dressing room I put it on wrong a total of 3 times, correctly 1 (with the help of the sales lady). Then I tried to get some bindis. Then I also decided to get some bangles. I attempted to get henna but apparently that was overdoing it. So I left with my sari, a set of bindis (for future occasions where I need one), some bangles, and the hope that I would be able to put together this ensemble by myself.

I arrive at the wedding. I thought it would be a nice idea to wear heels. My sari, after all, was still dragging. High heels in Malaysia = bad idea. Again, was a foot taller than everybody else. I bet they thought I was powerful. Especially since I got to sit right in the front in the seat of honor. I flashed them a peace sign to say "what's up." I think that was a very smart move.

Singapore

I arrived to Japan. Enjoyed the airport for a good 2 hours. Then I hopped on the flight to Singapore. These are the things that I learned in my short time in Singapore.

1) It's not as close to Japan as I had thought
2) The women are gorgeous
3) They speak English
4) A big shopping sale is going on all over the country
5) Thank god I am just spending the night otherwise I (and also my wallet) could have had potential damage
6) It's very clean

When I landed in Singapore, I also noticed how nice it felt to stand on my own two feet instead of sitting down. It was the first time in 18 hours that I got to use them for something other than kicking the seat in front of me (just a little nudge, all for good reason I assure you).

Big Day

Today is the Big Day. Today I leave for Asia. My very first time. I am so excited. I started to practice my peace sign in hope that it will turn out elegantly in all of my pictures.

We are setting up a caffe in Kuala Lumpur. Should be interesting to see how it all comes together. Start my morning off with coffee. This time, I serve myself. Then I decide that I probably will need another coffee.

Arrive to the airport. Not excited for an extremely long flight. Start to realize that 2 coffees beforehand probably not the best idea. The flight is headed to Japan. I get on. Realize that I am one of 5 "white" people so to speak. I have never really felt that outnumbered before. It was sort of fun, also funny. Then I felt quite large. I have never felt that tall before so I enjoyed that part the most. However, everybody was stick thin, so comparatively, I could be seen similar to a whale. That part wasn't as much fun. Neither was trying to get up and use the bathroom multiple times.

Bloody Heel on Father's Day

Father's Day is a very special day. I like to pretend that I celebrate it as well. People always look confused when I say this, but they never question, so I consider that ok to do.

So, I'm enjoying the holiday wishing people a happy day when all of a sudden, terror hits. This terror involves the push cart. The push cart decided to attack. The person it attacked was me. It got me right on the back of the heel. The cart has done this to me multiple times, it always hurts, but usually no problem. This time, however, was completely different. This time, it decided to rip off the back of my skin so I had a little blood issue. I tried to cover it up because who wants to be served coffee by someone with a bloody heel? Not me, that's for sure. First I tried paper towels. Then it wouldn't stick. So then I tried wet paper towels. But that wasn't working either. Mostly because for some reason, people were drawn to the white paper towel stuck to my leg. Then I tried limping (just because). And then I found a bandaid and we solved the problem. Potential disaster destroyed (PDD). And Father's Day was saved!

Gyro Factory

The theme of today was "approachment." I am not sure why or how or why again, but people just kept approaching the counter. You might think this is a good thing, especially for business, but not when the approachee is not ordering anything. And that is why the theme is called "approachment" instead of "Ordering."

First I get two older men. They are missing some teeth. Then they want to know if I know of anyplace that has gyros (pronounced jay-rows). I didn't know what a "jayrow" was so I politely asked them to repeat themselves. When they added in "factory" I realized they were talking about the Greek food. I politely told them that I had absolutely no idea, but we sold sandwiches, which could be imagined to be a gyro. They didn't quite understand. I didn't understand them. Then before they decided to leave, they went for another type of approachment by asking me how they could get a girl like me to work in their "shop." I apparently gave enough of a disgusted look that they did the opposite of approach and instead retreated. Thank god I've been practicing this look.

Then another man approached. He was huge. He looked like he was a football player but one who drank too much beer. And instead of wearing the tight pants, he was wearing Hawaiian print shorts instead that just barely covered anything since his stomach was a bit large. He looks friendly. I even briefly pondered crossing the counter to give him a huge bear hug. But then he opened his mouth. Then his mouth stayed open...for another 30 minutes. I stopped listening after 5. He started off talking about the shoulders of fish and how he likes to eat them, then he talked about his deals with fishermen to get those parts, then something about the number of pounds, then something about the deal being lost, then something about finding another fisherman, then something about another business, then something else about fish, then something about Samoans, then more about fish, then more about fishing, then something about his diet. And then he finished it off by saying that he borrowed $3 from me a few years ago and wanted to pay it back. I had no idea what he was talking about but I like extra money so I decided to listen. But then he never gave me the $3 and started talking more about fish. WHY ME?

The Happiest day of the year

Today was supposed to be the happiest day of the year. I felt pretty happy. I think some other people felt happy. Not sure if it was the happiest, but it makes you feel really good when you say it. And also I think it forces people into feeling happy because they don't want to be the one going against the flow.

Thank god it was the happiest day or some people might have been slapped. This older woman walks in and orders an ice cream. Then I have to tell her the price 3 times because she doesn't understand. After she fails to count out her money, I do it for her. So she pulls out all her money and I count it and then she starts asking me if I accept "paper money." I almost joked and said no, only coins, but quickly realized that would be a horrible idea. So I said yes. Then she asked me again. I said yes again. Then she asked me how much I owed her. Then I told her again. Then she asked me if I had paper money to give her back as change. I said yes. Then I thought, what kind of business does she think I am running? A big game of monopoly? So I finally take her money, give her her change, then she looks at me one more time, and says, how much money was my ice cream? I have one word for her. Unbelievable.

But I was still happy because it was the happiest day as proven by Scientists. And so I was made happier by a man who walked in with the worst wig I had ever seen. I could tell he thought he was hot, and that just made it all the more better. Thank god for bag wigs and old men who keep buying them. And just to paint the picture a little better, he was an old man, about 60 years old. He was maybe 5'5, wearing those old fashioned blue jeans that aren't really jean but painted blue pants, and his hair was golden blond, parted down the middle. I wanted to call him Rico.

Barbaric

Things that are barbaric:

1) Seemingly manly men ordering girly drinks
2) Anorexic Girls ordering sugar free nonfat drinks
3) Business men who think they are better than everybody, and also don't tip
4) Taxi Drivers
5) People with dentures who are still drinking coke (and consequently losing more teeth)

The best part is that all these BARBARIC things happened to me today. My favorite is the last. One day he brought in a whole case of coke that he had already purchased. But for some reason, he must have felt compelled to buy one more from me. It made no sense, but I didn't tell him that. Maybe he forget he was carrying around a 12-pack. Must be all the sugar. Or perhaps the denture cream. But the good news is that he is getting his cat back today. I have no idea where it was, or even that he had a cat, but he made sure to let me know that along with the return of his dentures is the return of his cat. I hope they weren't in the same place...

Then I got called a Spice Girl. Then I responded that since I am responsible for "spices" I added a bit of "swine flu" to his mocha. I thought that was funny.

Then I got into an argument with newspaper man. I stood strong and shouted no. He got mad because he couldn't say anything. Then he resorted to waving his arms around. I usually never win arguments but this one made me feel pretty good. Such progress.

CDs

As I'm headed to the back room to get a few supplies a man stops me. I am guessing he needs help. Usually that is the case even though I am not wearing a sandwich board that says information. So I stop and wait for the question. The question, however, is "do you speak Spanish." I answer yes, then he starts talking to me in Spanish. What he is talking to me about you might ponder. I can assure you, nothing good. Then he starts to tell me he is a singer and would love for me to listen to one of his songs. For love of the arts I say that when I am done and have a little break, I will listen to one song.

He's wearing MC Hammer pants. He is carrying an old fashioned discman. And he also has a large gold chain. Before I am ready to listen to "his" music, he tells me that he is a romantic. Surprising, I think. But he keeps going. How romantic he is and how I will see it in his music. Then he says that once I fall in love with his romantic words, we can get married immediatlely, afterall he is free tomorrow for a short ceremony.

So I listen to a song, mostly out of curiosity. I am waiting for some Spanish love song. Instead I get some reggaeton. If romance means "slapping a girls ass" then he really is romantic. And for some reason the rest of his band is in New York. He likes to travel alone and sell the Cd's. And the singer sounded like Akon. So I had him sing for me, and he sang a quick 5 seconds and then trailed off. I wished him luck in his music career. And now I wonder if he knows Russian since they both seem to be signing big record deals at the same time.

Children and Puppies

Apparently children and puppies don't mix. I always thought that they were the perfect combination in that they are very similar. Both are small, both don't clean up after themselves, and both like to focus on making small noises and playing with anything that looks like a toy. To me, that seems like they are two peas in a pod. So you can imagine how shocked I was when this woman told me that puppies and children DO NOT MIX. This is also the woman who is always mad about everything. She was so mad about this that she felt she needed to tell me why they don't mix for another 10 minutes. The main reason (or really, the only reason that I was paying attention to) is that the child will antagonize the puppy and the puppy will in return attack the child and both will end up yelping. I then wanted to tell her that we are like the child and puppy. She's the mean child and I am the puppy. She yelps at me with complaints and I yelp after her exit of the Caffe, mostly out of excitement, but also out of exhaustion for having to pretend I was paying attention for so long. Thank god she never asks me any questions or I would be at a total loss.

So before Meany can continue complaining, another customer approaches. I think I am saved. But then before too long I realize she must have overheard Meany and now thinks I am a therapist. She then complains to me too. But she complained about her daughter and how she spent all this money on her and how ridiculous that is. I held my tongue from mentioning to her that a child actually costs money and maybe she should have thought about that before having one. She was sporting a fanny pack so I figured her daughter was probably a "mistake." This doesn't really make sense but I decided that a fanny pack is a bad decision, so anything else that person does in life is also a bad decision, AKA have children. So she is doing things with her daughter around the city, spending more money, and finally she had had enough and stopped talking to her daughter who couldn't figure out why her mother was so mad. And I guess she left her sitting on a bench and she had to come and get a coffee. How she became a mother in the first place...that is far beyond me.

Idiot Wife

An older couple walks in. The wife looks pretty dumb but I let that slide. The man orders his drink and then asks his wife what she wants. She then gives me a blank stare, then him a blank stare, then back at me. I sit and wait. A good minute passes. Then nothing. Then he suggests ice cream. She seems to like this idea and starts to look at the ice cream. Then she orders a blackberry ice cream. I tell her we don't have that flavor. Then she orders another flavor that we don't have. Then I tell her to please look at the flavors which are listed below. She looks at me, then says that she's looking at a different list of flavors. I say, yes, I can see that, but those are syrup flavors...FOR DRINKS. Thank god her husband stepped in. He told her to look down below, not at the syrup flavors. She then looks at him and says "yes, well I am looking at these flavors." I look at him confused. Then he orders her a vanilla ice cream cone. Thank god he understands basic English and also has a piece of brain in his head. I think he felt embarrassed because he said thanks for all my help and gave me a $5 tip. I could deal with his dumb wife a whole lot more for that. At least as long as after 5 minutes of incorrect ordering, I could just hand her a "surprise."

A matter of Instances

Today people were really friendly. Maybe even a little too friendly. And some people were still just plain weird but I guess that's what makes the days go by.

Instance #1
Man walks in and walks up to the counter. Then he answers his phone and starts his conversation. I give him a stare down for a few seconds, then get bored so decide to do some other things. He finally hangs up the phone and of course orders one of the girliest drinks ever. The largest blended nonfat caramel frappe. Then he asks me if I have ever considered being a financial advisor. I answered no. Then I thought to myself that if I ever did consider it, I probably shouldn't mention my recent shopping activities which are probably not advisable. Then my thoughts were interrupted by him telling me that I should consider working for him. I thought it could be sort of cool but
a) I don't work for people who drink girly drinks (not even girls)
b) I don't work for rude people who talk on their phones and order at the same time

But then he gave me a nice tip, so maybe I should consider...

Instance #2
A woman orders a coffee. Then leaves. Then comes back. I think Oh no, something is wrong with her coffee. But then nothing is wrong with her coffee. She wants to know where there is a store that sells Crocs (those rubber shoes with holes in them).

a) Why would I know that? Do I look like I own a pair myself?
b) I don't think more people need to buy Crocs
c) I can't be held responsible for bad fashion

But then I thought maybe these shoes are special so I headed her in a general direction of where to find them. Maybe she will find a pair of cute shoes on her way.

Instance #3
My sister came to visit me at work today. We were both behind the counter helping people when a couple came up. Then they started to tell us about their sons. The lady mentioned her sons are SOOOOOOOO HANDSOME upward of 6 times. It was pretty funny. Then her husband pulled out his camera and showed us pictures of their sons. We both agreed, handsome, not 6 times handsome but maybe 2 or 3. And then they simultaneously decided that we should date their sons. I guess I could consider, but only if the parents come along too because they are funny.

Like a Bird

First customer of the day hits me like a mosquito crashing into an elephant. If that didn't make sense, at least just picture it. This guy clearly likes to talk. I am not in a talking mood today, mostly because I am losing my voice, so I am not excited. I start getting his stuff ready. Then he wants to know my name. As we make small chit chat he then pulls out these little leaves from a tree. I don't even remember what they are called but they look similar to a boomerang. He handed me one and then peeled it open and first stuck it on his nose, then stuck it on mine. It looked like he had a beak. I wanted to laugh until he asked me to wear mine just for a little bit. I wanted to tell him that this is a caffe, not a circus. I think I was just too tired to argue anyway, so I served him his bagel wearing the "beak" and also feeling like an idiot. But not as much of an idiot as him because he wore it while he ate and while he drank, and then he still had it stuck to his face when he left the caffe.

The best part of all of this was that he tried to ask me out, with the "beak" on.

He started by asking me if I liked New Yorkers. I of course said yes because my friends live there. But then he changed subject and said he was new in town and asked me if I would be interested in going out with him sometime, maybe for a coffee. First, I work in coffee. I see it, drink it, smell it every single day. Of course I do not want to go to another caffe when I'm not at work. Two, I don't date fake birds.

Coffee and Baileys

I constantly wish that the caffe would have things such as baileys and Kahlua and whiskey. I think those are all perfect mix-ins for coffee. It also would mean my work day would be even more fun. Unfortunately, it doesn't so I have to depend on my customers instead.

Like today a woman came to order herself a drink. Then she told me to leave a couple inches at the top. I start to think she doesn't want to spill, or she just likes her coffee extra strong. But instead she tells me she needs that extra room so she can pour in some baileys. I, for some reason, think she's joking. Hand her the drink. She then proceeds to whip off the lid, pull out this bottle of baileys she has in her backpack and pour it in. I know this lady means business.

And then I imagined this following scene taking place...

I tell her how awesome I think that was. I've never met anybody who carries around a whole bottle of alcohol in their purse. Then she takes it out again and tells me to have a drink with her. Then we laugh and talk together and she starts to throw all this money in my tip jar. Then she leaves and tells me that she will be back tomorrow since I'm her new favorite barista.