Space Case

The crazy old lady came back today. She was still wearing her safari hat and also still pulling her suitcase. This time she was intent on having a sparkling orange beverage. I told her she had two options:

1) SanPellegrino sparkling Orange
2) Orange Italian Soda

After I announced the options, she took another 5 minutes to discuss these options and this is how it went:

Bernice: I really want something sparkling and orange
me: Well you can have a sparkling orange beverage in a can or I can make you an Italian Soda
Bernice: How much will the can cost?
me: With tax $2.48
Bernice: How much will the soda cost?
me: With tax $2.59. It's only a bit of difference so it just depends on what you want
Bernice: Are they sparkling?
me: Yes (I thought that was one of the only two requirements)
Bernice: Okay so they are carbonated?
me: yes
Bernice: They are sparkling you say?
me: Yes, sparkling
Bernice: They are both Orange?
me: Yes they are both Orange
Bernice: And it's sparkling?
me: Yes
Bernice: How much for the can?
me: $2.48
Bernice: How much is the other one?
me: $2.59
Bernice: How big is the Italian Soda
me: That's the price for a 12ounce
Bernice: How much is in the can?
me: I don't know. You can see right there
Bernice: I guess I will have the can
me: Nice decision

Then she proceeded to walk out without collecting her sparkling orange drink. I think she needs help or she needs a boyfriend. I guess I better quickly get her that shirt.

Crazy for Shirts

The caffe can sometimes look like a bit of a convenience store with a high-end Italian flare. Based on the clientele, we have to change the look to more of a convenience store since generally speaking, customers can't tell the difference between a doughnut and a bagel. Besides the wide array of food, we also sell t-shirts. These shirts, however, are very cute with genius phrases on them. Most people get a kick out of them and some decide that they too need to have one.

In walks this little old lady wearing a safari hat and pulling a suitcase. I am guessing she is coming in for either an ice cream or a sugar free vanilla latte. But then she manages to astound me with her request. She wants a shirt. She doesn't want the shirt that says "Just Give me my coffee and nobody gets hurt." She wants the shirt that says "Single Short (Extra Hot)." She is a little under 5 feet, and is in her late 70s. But she's a real tiger, a feisty one at that. Green isn't her color, neither is Brown, she needs a red shirt and it needs to be that color with that exact phrase. She then tells me that she's looking for a boyfriend and summer is almost over. The shirt, she tells me, is going to be her golden ticket. I really do hope she finds a boyfriend. Then I will wear the shirt and get me a boyfriend too and then we can double date.

Infomercials

I am completely and totally obsessed with infomercials. For some reason, I just can't get enough. Maybe it's the persuasiveness of it all, or the realness of the product. I have been talked into buying a few too many things on infomercials. I have rarely been disappointed. Some of the things I would like to purchase are:

1) magic bullet
2) pedEgg
3) Hip Hop Abs
4) 5-in-1 egg slicer
5) Battery Operated Hot Dog Grill
6) Strap Perfect
7) Neckline Slimmer
8) Turbie Twist
9) Bedazzler

I currently only own one thing and that thing is a Snuggie. And then one of my regular customers came in. I told she looked really nice because she did. Then I asked her if she changed her hair. She said no. Then she said, "it's my eyelashes!" She purchased Latisse from the infomercial and now her eyelashes hit against the lenses in her glasses. Amazing. She was so enthusiastic about the infomercial product that I wanted to see if she could film a video advertising Latisse while wearing a snuggie. But then I got busy.

Panamanian Disguise

There is a man. This man plays the accordion. It's not actually an accordion. It has a different name which he tells me every time but I still refer to it as accordion. He also has a very large belly. He usually wears suspenders. He has a mustache. And he seems like he could work in a circus. I also wish he would work at a circus and entertain people who pay him. I would like to pay him to stop trying to entertain me. Unfortunately, he always picks the wrong time to come into the caffe. He shows up when I don't have any other customers so he has unlimited time to chat. He makes lots of bad jokes. I never understand them.

Today was no exception to his usual antics. He showed up wearing his normal attire but this time accompanied with a straw hat. This was apparently his "Panama Disguise." Then he proceeded to talk to me in a different voice, with an accent, and also in 3rd person. So then I had to talk back to him in the 3rd person just to get his order, which he changed because a Panamanian wouldn't drink a hot tea, he would drink an iced mocha (after working in the fields...). I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. And then I thought maybe I am working in a circus disguised as a caffe.

Is this Caffeinated?

I was minding my business, drinking some coffee, when a lady walks in wearing a boat hat. First off, boat hats are completely out of style. They are even more out of style when paired with a rain poncho and shorts. I have a feeling that I am going to have to deal with a very difficult and annoying lady. My assumption proves to be true when she starts by saying "Is there a Starbucks in here?" I quickly give her my meanest look so she knows she is being rude and tell her "No." I am loving this word these days. I've never said it so much in my life. Quite refreshing. I sort of hope that ms. annoying leaves but she doesn't. Instead I am forced to deal with her for another couple of minutes.

Francine: Is there a Starbucks in here?
me: No
Francine: Well where can I find a Starbucks?
me: Just keep walking down that way and eventually you will find one.
Francine: Well, do you have samples of your coffee so I can see if I like it?
me: (do you have a sample of a boat hat that you can give me?) Here, try this.
Francine: Do you have cream and sugar?
me: (Lady, I've just given you less than an ounce of coffee. If you want to taste it, you should taste it black) It's at the end of the counter.
Francine: (Stands there sipping on her coffee which she has now poured 6 ounces of cream into)
me: So, how did you like the coffee?
Francine: Doesn't taste like there's caffeine in it. Is there any caffeine in this?
me: That's because you diluted all of it with cream. And also, for the record, yes there is caffeine in it. All coffee has caffeine, even decaf.
Francine: Well, it doesn't taste like there is caffeine in it.
me: Well there is. You are just used to the taste of burnt coffee which is what Starbucks tastes like.
Francine: I guess so. How much does it cost to take the train from A to B?
me: I have no idea. I am not an information center.
Francine: (gives me a dirty look)
me: If you aren't going to buy any coffee here, you really shouldn't steal all of our sugar packets
Francine: (walks out of the caffe...but with the sugar packets hidden in her pockets)

10 minutes later...

These police start to roll in and there seems to be something going on. Of course I am curious so I leave the counter to see what is going on.

And guess who's getting arrested...Maybe somebody should think twice before they steal sugar. Ask a neighbor instead.

Flexing

Recently I was caught watching a body building competition special on TV. Maybe I was bored. Maybe I was interested in the body building outfits. And also maybe part of me was fascinated by the muscles and how they are accentuated by spray tans.

But mostly I think bodybuilding is a bit gross to me. I like muscles of course, but not huge ones. My issue comes when someone can't put their arms down next to their body. It always looks like they are hugging something when they are not. And that is confusing because you think they are trying to hug you but really they are just standing there.

At the caffe today I was talking to one my friends. Then he mentioned something about my arms. After all this bodybuilding business I decided to try my hand at it. First I had to see how much extra fat I had hanging off my arm. I like to call it the chicken dangle. Don't worry, I don't have a dangle yet, but this could be a future problem. So we had to measure the dangle before I could start flexing, so we could really see how big my arm muscles are. My friend was laughing, I was looking part constipated trying to hold a good flex, and then Big Cop was apparently standing at the doorway observing all of this. Oops. I guess I should save my bodybuilding practices for the privacy of my own home.

Sales

My day started even before I got to work. This time it started on the bus. I pay my way and get on trying to mind my own business. I even have my headphones in because I felt like the only thing I wanted to hear was my music. But about 10 minutes in, I realized that this idea probably wouldn't work. I realized this when I saw a newspaper shaking right in front of my face. I tried to pretend I didn't notice, but it kept getting closer and shaking more violently. Finally I looked up and there is a man standing in front of me holding the coupon section of the newspaper asking me if I would like to read it. I still don't know why I looked like I would like to read the coupon section when there were a lot of other people on the bus (who looked more like coupon readers). Then he continued to remind me that the sales are very good. Then he asked me what day it was, I told him, then he threw down the paper and said, "Damn, they're expired."

More Bagels

To me, a caffe seems pretty self-explanatory. To some people, you need to ask a million questions. Today I had a clueless customer. I should have known it from the start when he tripped over a rug and then looked all confused at the menu.

He didn't even want to order a coffee. He ordered a bagel. I, however, am all out of bagels. I tell him I'm sorry I have no more bagels because it was quite busy today. He looked like he didn't understand what I told him. Maybe he was paralyzed by the "No" before I said "bagels". Or maybe he thought I said quiet instead of quite and so chose not to respond. I gave him a couple seconds to compose himself, and then he started again.

Mr. Bagel: I would like a bagel
me: I'm sorry sir. We don't have any more bagels
Mr. Bagel: What? No more bagels
me: That is correct. It was really busy today
Mr. Bagel: Okay, so then what do you have?
me: All I have left are donuts and cookies
Mr. Bagel: How about a bagel and cream cheese?
me: No more bagels
Mr. Bagel: You don't have bagels anywhere?
me: No. I'm all out of them
Mr. Bagel: Okay I will take that then. That looks like a bagel
me: That's a donut
Mr. Bagel: Well, I just want a bagel
me: On the weekend you have to come a bit earlier for a bagel
Mr. Bagel: You're sure you don't have any more bagels?
me: Oh wait. I just remembered. I was saving one up my ass. Would you like it? It's blueberry?
Mr. Bagel: Really?
me: No. But you can have the donut and pretend it's a bagel. One time I really wanted a donut and I saw something that looked like one but it was really a bagel.
Mr. Bagel: I really wish you had bagels
me: Trust me, right now at this very moment, I too wish I had bagels. I have never wanted to have bagels so badly before.
Mr. Bagel: Okay. I will just have a cinnamon roll then.
me: All I have are donuts and cookies left. You can see them right in front of you.

and so it continued on...Until he ended up with
1 sandwich
1 ice cream
1 coffee
0 donuts

Girly Hands

There are some professions that just make a person sexy. Some of these categories are

- Athletes
- Musicians
- Bartenders
- Doctors (real ones and preferably wearing scrubs)
- Dancers
- Cristiano Ronaldo impersonators
- Actors on something other than a music video and soap opera

I like to imagine what peoples professions are when they order their coffee. It's sort of a fun game I play with myself, mostly in my head, and sometimes out loud. The ones I am really good at guessing are the construction workers, police officers, and the painters. The construction workers are easy to spot with their neon shirts. The police officers...well that's no surprise. And painters, usually they have on those special painting pants. Everybody else, I just stare and assume.

Today I pretended that a famous musician came in. He was older so I assumed he was probably in a rock band in the 70s. He wasn't really with it and had a hard time counting out his money. I assume this was the case because you don't really have to be smart to be a musician, just know how to play music. Then the part that really had me believe he was a musician was his long nails. I thought that I had only a few pet peeves; these being lazy eyes, guys who order girly drinks, and people who don't tip. But also, I hate long nails. Usually there is no excuse for long nails, especially on a guy, but because he was a musician in my mind, I allowed it. I asked him if he played guitar. He didn't. And then I realized that all his nails are long except for one, so guitar is out. Then I asked him if he played drums (without sticks). He didn't play drums either. I don't know any other instrument you need long nails for so I wonder what kind of musician he is anyhow? Clearly not a very good one if he can't even play an instrument.

Hot Chocolate is Back

Hot Chocolate man used to make frequent appearances. However, he has been away for quite some time so things were quite enjoyable. I didn't have to worry that he would show up and try to touch my hand as he was paying. Usually, hot choc man comes in the evenings. He also likes to blabber on about his life even when there is a line behind him. He also likes to ask girls for their phone numbers. When the don't give him their phone numbers, he asks for e-mail. Sometimes girls give him their e-mail address. Usually he writes within 2 hours of receiving the address. When he doesn't get a response, he likes to come back to the caffe to say that he was worried because he hadn't heard a response. This is hot choc man. Girls = me.

I was working the morning today so I didn't even think that hot choc man might be making an appearance. I was carrying the yogurt parfaits that I had just made. Then he walked in. I looked up. Immediately I was shocked. Then what happens? I drop the yogurt parfaits. Yogurt and granola is all over the floor and on my pants. He runs over to help clean up the mess and brushes his hand against mine. Gross. I run back behind the counter and leave the yogurts on the floor. Then he starts to tell me how he hasn't heard from me in a long time and wants to know, seriously, how things are going in my life. Then he interrupts me to tell me how he has been in Philadelphia and it's so hard to get his life started in this new city. He then said that one more trip to Philly and he would get the last of his belongings. I have no idea what he is talking about. nor do I care. Nor do I ever want to know what he's talking about. Then I made him his hot chocolate. Then he leaves, comes back, and asks for my e-mail address since every time I refuse to give him my phone number. Just for kicks I gave it to him. Not the one I use, but a different one. Within an hour I get an e-mail from him. What does the e-mail say?

Hello Coffee Princess!

How's it going? It was good to see you there...as you can see I am like zooming all over the place so fast here...again I am going through a lot of changes and still trying to adjust here even after being here almost one year...it is taking time...but I will be ok. Well gotta go here...take care and ciao!!

~~Hot Choc man

Milk Man

Every week we get a milk delivery. Actually, twice a week we get the milk delivery. There are two different guys who do this delivery. One takes his job very seriously, the other does not. I guess to pick up lots of crates of milk and whip cream and chocolate jugs, you have to be pretty beefy. This guy is quite beefy. As he's loading the milk into the fridge he decides to start talking to me. I cannot hear him because he's talking behind a refrigerator door. I am curious as to what he would say, probably something about milk, so I go over there and ask him to repeat. Then what he says has nothing to do with milk or deliveries or chocolate, but rather about dating.


Milkman: I bet you get hit on a lot here huh?
me: I guess, sometimes. It used to be flattering but not anymore
Milkman: Yeah, I can see that. I mean I bet people just come in here and act all dumb and ask for your number
me: How'd you know?
Milkman: So how do you feel about that?
me: I find it quite disgusting. Especially when it's older men who have families.
Milkman: Yeah, I can see that. And now you hate it because you have a boyfriend. So how old do you usually date? How old are you anyway?
me: I'm in my mid 20s. I definitely wouldn't date anybody past 30.
Milkman: Probably 28 is your limit huh?
me: ummmmmm, yeah sure.
Milkman: Yeah, I am in pretty good shape for my age so usually I date younger girls. I am 42 you know. You probably couldn't tell. But my last girlfriend was 24, just like you.
me: That's interesting. I guess it depends on your maturity level
Milkman: I still have a lot of energy and go to the gym and workout so younger girls find me attractive. I don't really look that old. One time I met a lady who took good care of herself and we were jiving on the dance floor. Then I found out she was 54 so I told her no, the age difference is just too much.
me: Let's see...42-24 is 18. 54-42 is 12. I think you date more of an age difference.
Milkman: Yeah I mean, that's just what happens. But now I'm single just doing my thing.
me: Ok. Well good luck with that. Maybe you should try to work at a caffe instead of delivering to them. You might meet more people
Milkman: Smart idea. Okay well hopefully I delivered enough milk for you to last for the week otherwise give me a call and let me know if there is a problem
me: Okay milkman. See ya.

Detached Hood

It would be awesome if everything could be detachable. Life would be so much easier. But you also wouldn't be as stylish. Take those zip off cargo pants. But if you could have a detachable outfit without zippers, then we'd be talking. And I don't mean to replace the zipper with Velcro.

This morning a lady walked in wearing a detachable hood. I kept looking to see where her rain jacket was but she didn't have one. She did, however, have a belly shirt, and also some stain washed jeans. Her red lipstick was the topping on the cake. I had a hard time listening to her order because I was so distracted by this hood. First, it wasn't' raining outside. Nor was it cold. Maybe she was having a bad hair day and couldn't find a hat? But then she had it velcroed at the neck. Then I started to think maybe she is secretly a wrestler and her nickname is "The Hood." But then "The Hood" wouldn't order an almond latte.

Housewives

There are some things that call for celebrations. Some things meaning birthdays, getting a new job, winning a cool contest, eating the best tasting watermelon, and/or sleeping for over 24 hours. However, some things just have celebrations. The celebration that happened today was marijuana. Lucky for me, I got to see all the people celebrating weed. I prefer to celebrate the people not high and annoying. I tried to do just that but but then everybody was deciding to be crazy today.

High Customer #1: Comes into the caffe. Of course orders the largest white mocha. Then he adds a sandwich. Then a doughnut. Then also wants a cookie. Then a cup of ice cream. And finally throws in a bag of chips and a pack of gum. I thought, if everybody were high every day, then our business would be booming. If only...

Not High Customer #1: An older lady who comes into the caffe. Very excited to order some sort of espresso beverage. She starts off pretty well...a latte. Then she adds in some sugar free flavors, nonfat milk, and then continues to talk to me about diets. I don't have the heart to tell her that I don't care and also that I like to eat cookies and ice cream (sometimes even for dinner). Then she asks me if I know Bethany. I start to wonder if I SHOULD know Bethany. I say, I don't think so, who is she? Then I hear all about this Housewives of New York show and how Bethany has a diet plan. She, obviously, is following her plan strictly. Apparently she hasn't seen the results yet but she knows that soon it will happen. Then I heard all about her eating habits. I told her that she should probably drink more coffee because then she can at least get her digestive tract moving a lot faster. Then I waved goodbye to her and busied myself by sampling a doughnut.

Fed-Ex

I love special deliveries. I wish I could get special deliveries everyday but then they wouldn't be as special. I wish that special deliveries consisted of more than biscottis or Italian pastries. I would go for a cake with my name on it. I could take an Italian boyfriend. I would even accept a little plant like a little plum tree.

The Fed-Ex guy showed up today. He didn't have any special delivery for me specifically, but it was still a delivery for the caffe. I was wearing my shirt (I like my men like my coffee beans...Foreign) when he came. After I signed the necessary paperwork he said, "I'm Foreign, do I qualify?"

Man I love this shirt.

Serious hotties

There are not very many attractive people who come by the caffe on a daily basis. If they are, they are usually married. I wish there were more because then work would be more entertaining for me instead of just for the customers. I usually get the complete opposite of attractive kind of customer. I also get creepy, awkward, nervous, smelly, and homeless.

Not everybody quite understands the clientele. Especially one customer of the day. She shows up wearing a big flowered print boob shirt. Also she has missing front teeth and a few missing molars. She is nice enough and I'm happy to make her drink. Then she goes "I bet you see some serious hotties down here. I should get a job in this area." I don't even really know how to respond to that. I tell her she can come down anytime and just stand with me and check out all the people she wants.

I suppose that we have different definitions of hotties. Seriously different definitions. That's okay, that's why there's someone for everyone. Maybe she will like Goldteeth?

Brazil

I love foreigners. Most people know that. I can clarify foreign by many different characteristics. Some of these are:

- accents
- looking foreign
- Dressing in foreign clothes
- Having a foreign name
- Be able to speak a different language (preferably in an accent)

There is a man who walks into the caffe wearing scrubs. He has an accent. Then I ask him where he is from. He is from Brazil. This is exciting. Then we are talking for a bit. This is amusing for me mostly because I like to hear him pronounce certain words. Also, I was bored. Then he moved the conversation to asking me things that I like to do. I don't really like that question when I am at work. Before too long, he is asking me out. I think this could still be exciting, maybe I will learn Portuguese. I'm not really attracted to him other than his foreignness, but I decide to try anyway and I don't have the heart to give him a fake number. Then I realize he is not a doctor and only wearing the scrubs. Duped again.

Plastic Gloves

Every morning there is a lady. This lady has two front teeth missing. She also wears plastic gloves. I have seem people wear gloves. Usually they are cotton or leather or some other kind of useful and versatile glove. She however, looks like she is prepared to work in the food industry at all times. Although I should inform her that it doesn't work when you touch everything wearing the gloves.

God's Grace

Jesus man is back. I thought that he was a one time customer, but with my luck, he has now turned into a regular. Apparently, I shouldn't have listened to his speech the first time around. This time he took the liberty to talk to me more about God and his Glory for the 30 seconds it took to get his drink made, plus an extra 4 minutes.

Customer 231: Hey there how are you today?
Me: I'm great. How are you?
Customer 231: That's so great. God is on your side today. I too am excellent. God's grace is with me today
Me: That's great. Happy to hear it
Customer 231: God...blah blah blah....jesus....the Lord...blah....let's pray
Me: Okay have a nice day
Customer 231: Oh I will. God always makes it a good day. God Bless you

Adult Braces

Besides lazy eyes, one thing that sort of peaks my curiosity are adult braces. I find them most fascinating when also accompanied by outfits that should be worn by little girls.

Today there was a lady who was in her late forties. I don't really know because I didn't ask to see her license or verify her age but she had some wrinkles and looked old. But then she had a side ponytail. Some side ponytails are actually stylish. Hers, however, was too high to be stylish. It was like the style from the 80s. Then she opened her mouth to order and there they were, adult braces. I was expecting her to act like an adult for a few short minutes, but then she ordered a raspberry white chocolate mocha with only half a shot of espresso. Another check in the child category. Then she pulled out her fanny pack and put on her lipstick. Then she said she would like a cookie but the parts might get stuck in her braces. Then I told her that I had braces once in the 4th grade.

Thunder Tornado Cloud

After a long day at work, only two customers stick in my mind. One I keep wishing to forget, the other, I also wish to forget, but at least he was funny. The first one was an older man who was really excited about everything. At first it was almost inspiring, that was right before he got super annoying.

He decided, as is the usual thing to do when I'm working, to guess my ethnicity. He went through the usual ones- Italian, Spanish, Greek. I told him that he was close but I'm neither of those. Then he gave up and I told him. After I told him Syrian, he about died. I thought, wow, I've never seen anybody so excited to meet a Syrian before. Then he came back to the counter after I handed him his drink to say "you are going to die when I tell you this." I thought, hmmm, what's he going to tell me and am I really going to die? Then he continued with "This is so funny. This is such a small world. Oh man, you are not going to believe this." I really wonder what could be this hilarious. Then he pulls out his camera, shows me a picture of him with 2 girls, and says, "I met 2 Syrians in San Diego and one had similar hair to you!!!!" I personally thought this was ridiculous, but clearly he thought this was some sort of amazing phenomenon, so in order not to burst his bubble, I said "Cool! Maybe I am related to them (since all Syrians are related)."

I thought that dealing with one interesting customer today would meet my quota but unfortunately for me and my sanity, Goldteeth returned yet again. He had some great ideas today. I tried to ignore him but he kept yelling at me. Then he came over to me stroking his beard and laughed and smiled as he said, "I have a new nickname for you." Then he also told me that I would die when he told me what it was. I am not sure why today everybody had the same line and also why I am supposed to keep dying today. I waited for what he would tell me next and it met all my expectations of Goldteeth and more. My new nickname according to Goldteeth is "Beautiful Latte Girl." He thought that was clever. I thought it was over. Then he came back to tell me the nickname that he gave his beard..."Thunder Tornado Cloud."

Fresh off the boat

There are a lot of things that make me happy in life, but there are two things in particular that really make me happy. First one is when people think that I am foreign. I love foreigners and also accents, so of course I would love to be one, even in my own country. The second thing is funny t-shirts.

Fortunately, two of the things I love happened to me today. First a man came up to order his drink. At first he wasn’t very funny. It also wasn’t funny when he ordered a huge blended mocha with extra whip cream. From the front view he was wearing a plain black t-shirt with khaki pants. When I handed him his drink, as he turned to walk away, that is when my happiness hit. Mr. Mocha had a shirt on that said BITE ME in huge letters across the back. What makes it even better is that only the back of his pants were sagging because he had (hopefully accidentally) tucked his shirt into his underwear. I didn’t think it could get any more perfect.

Then a smaller lady comes up to the counter. I am talking to her about coffee, explaining the differences with certain blends and drinks. Then she asks me if I am from “the motherland.” I ask her what the motherland is because from how I have heard it used, it could mean really anyplace. Then she says Italy. I love Italians! I say, no I am actually not from Italy. I explain to her that I am here but my mother is Syrian and my dad is German so I am sort of a mixture child. I never said they were from those countries though I guess she could have gotten confused. And then for the next 5 minutes we had a strange conversation, one that didn’t involve me having an accent.

Lady: ooooooooooo so you’re fresh off the boat
Me: No, I have grown up here all my life
Lady: So how do you get into this country? Isn’t it hard for you? I know the green card process is tough
Me: Well, I’m sure it is. I have no idea. I didn’t need to go through that process. I have a friend from India who did and I think it’s difficult
Lady: Wow, so I’m just so fascinated by you. You speak English very well. I hear Syria is beautiful.
Me: Ummmmmmmm
Lady: I watch on TV sometimes about immigration
Me: Yes it’s an interesting process. Good thing I live here
Lady: Ok, well I better let you go. Welcome to this country! I hope you enjoy it here
Me: Now that I met you, I am enjoying it a lot more. Thank you!

Free Stamps

Since I usually am bothered by the taxi drivers who all come in, I realized when 20 of them came in at the same time shouting orders, that I needed to handle this with a new approach. Since they are a bit obnoxious, I decided it would be smart to do the same back to them. So as they are shouting out their orders of coffees, lattes with only half a shot of espresso, and toasted bagels, I shout back to them wrong prices. It was really quite a fun game I had going. Then they started to argue with me and we all ended up laughing. After the whole block of them left, 5 more stragglers walk in. They are also obnoxious and keep wanting more punches on their punch cards. I said that I can’t punch their cards but I can do it imaginarily (not a real word in the English Language but it still sounds like it could be one). Then I get this brilliant idea about the punch cards (since that is their motivation). And I start to tell them that Thursdays if they come in at 2am, it’s five punch Thursdays. But only for the customers who come in at 2am. For every single drink they get, they get 5 punches. For some reason, unknown to me since this clearly makes no sense, they believe me, and I have them going for a good 10 minutes until they finally realize I am not open at 2am, nor ever will be, and that I am lying.

Luckily, they thought that was a funny joke I played on them and walked out laughing. I waved and pretended to give them fake punches on their card.

What a day!

Rich Men

I decided this morning to wear a different t-shirt since the last one worked a little too well. This one today said, “I like my coffee sweet, my men rich.” I don’t quite agree with this one as much as the other but it works out pretty well. I don’t like my coffee that sweet, and a man with money is all right, unless he’s a stingy rich man, then that’s not ok. Once again, the first customer of the day decides to make his statement. Maybe he was too nervous to actually say anything yesterday, so today was his big day.

Customer 1: So yesterday, you liked your men foreign, today you like them rich, do you want one or the either, or are you looking for a rich foreigner?
Me: What would you like to drink today sir?

Customer 30: (A Lady from Jordan) Oh Honey, that’s right. You should always go for the rich ones. That’s the only way to go.
Me: Yes, my grandmother always said that too. She said First time marry for Love, 2nd time for money.
Customer 30: Your grandmother was right. Oh yes, you must marry for the money. That way if you don’t really like them, you can at least get them to buy you nice things
Me: Like a car?

Customer 52: (Ethiopian taxi driver who I previously hated) So do you like Ethiopian food?
Me: Yes! I love it. I don’t really eat it here though, but I love the spongy bread with the stews on top. And I also love eating with my hands
Customer 52: I can take you to Ethiopian Food sometime.
Me: Oh yeah, well I work a lot so I don’t really have much time for that.
Customer 52: Why don’t’ you give me your number and we can go get some sometime?
Me: That’s ok. I don’t give out my number
Customer 52: Do you have a piece of paper? I will write down my number for you and you can call me when you want to go to Ethiopian Food.
And that is why today has been so successful. Thank God for my shirt. Thank God for my God speech the other day by Customer 231.

God

I was wearing a new shirt to work today. This new shirt states “I like my men like I like my coffee beans… Foreign.” I personally agree with this statement so I was so happy to be wearing it. It also relates to coffee so I figured what a perfect uniform.

Customer 1: (stares at my chest, smiles, then tries to order his drink without laughing)
Customer 2: Nice shirt!
Customer 3: Wow, that’s a great shirt. That’s why I married a Mexican.

Customer 231: Is that how you really feel about men?
Me: Yes. Pretty much yes. But I guess it depends on the guy. Do you feel the same way about girls?
Customer 231: Well, you know, if I were going to find myself a girl, I wouldn’t be able to do that. Only God has the power to find who I should be with. With God’s love and blessing he will find who I should be with.
Me: Wow, yes that makes perfect sense. So have you found your perfect girl then?
Customer 231: Well you see, Perfect does not mean without faults, perfect means all knowing and with faith. And so someone who follows God’s path and accepts themselves as who they are for what they have and don’t have, is perfect.
Me: Ok. So then do you have a girlfriend?
Customer 231: Yes, God has given me a girlfriend. With him I have found my way. I speak through the lord
Me: Nice. Well, have a nice day
Customer 231: You too and God bless you

And then Customer 231 walked out in his gray muscle shirt holding a mocha with whip cream and talking about God.

Goldteeth Returns Part IV

Goldteeth came back today. He is really starting to bother me. Today he pulled over a stool and sat and watched me worked behind the bar. Then he decided it was a good idea to tell me, "I really love to watch how you move behind that bar." 

Right after I almost vomited in my mouth, I thought to say, "I love to watch you leave." 

Big Cups in Large Sizes

I thought it would be a good idea to joke around today. It makes the day go faster and I have a lot more fun. Sometimes the most fun are the people who joke back. Other times it's the people who are the least suspecting. Usually never is it the person who doesn't get my joke.

Today, I misinterpreted a customer. He looked like the joking type. Big Belly, handlebar mustache, hair in ponytail, and he wanted a big white mocha. I told him that we just got a special size cup. I saw that his interest was peaked so then I continued on to say that this new size is the first 100 ounce cup. He replied that he didn't need a cup that big but a 32 ouncer would be just perfect. I thought he was playing along with my joke. So I made his white mocha. Then I handed him his drink in the biggest up we actually had, a 20 ounce one. I was still smiling. He wasn't. Then he looked at the cup and said, "hey, I thought you said you had a 32 ounce cup back there." I then had to let him in on my joke and followed up with "but you can imagine that your cup is bigger than it is and then everybody is happy." Unfortunately, he didn't really find my joke that amusing. I blame it on the fact that he wasn't quite awake yet.