Free Shi(r)t!

Panamanian Disguise decided today to give me a tshirt.
Was the shirt new? no.
Was it maroon? yes
Was the saying on it cool? no
Was it huge? yes.
Did he used to wear it? Yes.

Now he's too fat, as he told me so it doesn't fit him. Just to put this in context, it IS a men's EXTRA LARGE. Along with the t-shirt, he threw in some "scrunchies." I looked later to see what kind of scrunchies because that could be fun and I keep losing mine. Since he is going bald I figured those at least wouldn't have been used. But then the supposed scrunchie turned out to be a loofah.

A gun to killing

So you remember Todd Rocks. I wish I didn't remember Todd Rocks but how many stingy diamond traders do you meet in your lifetime? I hadn't yet arrived to work. Todd Rocks was 5 minutes ahead of me. When I arrived to work, Tatiana was pissed about something. Usually she's in a pretty good mood. Today I knew that something went wrong because on the list of supplies, she wrote "A gun to killing." Of course I laughed. Of course I also would like one, just to keep behind the counter. Then Tatiana starts to tell me what's wrong, and before she even began, I knew it was going to be about Todd Rocks.

Tatiana had never met him before. Today she was lucky enough to finally meet Todd Rocks. She made him his Americano as usual and told him the price. He didn't have "enough" money in small bills so he told Tatiana to take it out of her tip jar. The best part was that he pulled out a wad of cash from his pocket. He had 10s and lots of 20s. But apparently he only had a couple $1 bills. (Who carries those anymore anyway? They are almost in the same category as pennies.) She said no. Then he said, "yes." She looked at him appalled until he said, it's ok, I threw in some change here the other day.

Todd Rocks, you better watch your back and also your diamonds.

Tatiana takes on Cheap Bastard

I love Polish people. Really, as you already know, I love all people from different countries. One of the things I love are their accents. The other thing I enjoy is their straight-forwardness. They don't skirt around things like Americans, the think it's fine to tell you the truth no matter what it is. If you are looking fat, don't expect a foreign person to sympathize with you, they will instead point it out. I secretly wish I could do that, but sadly I am still American when it comes to that part of my personality.
A man showed up today whom I dislike. he thinks that buttering us baristas up in conversation excuses his general manner, that being CHEAP. I made sure to tell Tatiana about him because he tries to steal extra things like chocolate and also newspapers. So Cheap Bastard showed up to the counter with one of our frequent punch cards. It revealed that he had a free drink. It also revealed that he punched the card himself. Tatiana made him his drink while he tried to strike up a conversation with her. Being Polish she didn't take his "attempt" at getting a free drink very lightly. And as I sat back and observed, Tatiana handled the situation like a Polish ninja would handle a Russian robber.

CB: You know I had such a rough week and the weekend went by so quickly. I can't believe it's already Monday.
T: Yes
CB: My kids are really into learning about other countries. You're polish right?
T: Yes
CB: So how are you today dear?
T: I am fine as long as my customers are honest to me
CB:What do you mean, did someone try to steal your tips?
T: I think you know exactly what I am talking about

And at that point, Cheap Bastard grabbed his drink, threw a tip in her jar (his first ever) and ran out of the store. Nicely done Tatiana, nicely done.

Nachos

My day today started with Nachos. Usually if Nachos are involved, then I know it's going to be a good day. But I wasn't eating the nachos. Nor did I order them. I was at the gym. I went into the locker room to shower and change for the day. Then I started to smell something, something like food. I was starving so I thought I might be imagining this smell. But then I turned around and right behind me, on the bench, is a lady eating nachos from a take-out box. Apparently, someone couldn't wait until they were done at the gym to eat that. The best part of all of this is that she started to talk to me and eat her nachos at the same time. Did she offer me some nachos? No. Did she ask me if I was Greek? Yes. Did she follow me out of the locker room? Yes. Did she ask me if she has seen me at the gym before? Yes. Did I feel awkward about this? YES. YES. YES.

Then I left for work. I was hoping the nachos might be a sign that I would receive nachos as a tip from someone. But alas, I received no nachos. Instead, Big Cop came back in to the caffe. This was surprising to me. I tried my best to make sure that nothing would be awkward. He didnt' get the memo apparently. Because then he informed me that he was going to be moving location and wouldn't be working there after October. My response? awwwww, well that's fun. A little change of pace. I hear it's fun over there. His response? Well, you are going to have to come up with another reason for why you can't go out with me. My final response? Well, perfect. I've got a couple months to come up with the best excuses.

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know here's a quick recap. Big Cop asked me out. I cancelled. I said I have a personal rule, no dating customers or coworkers. Then he stopped coming in. Then he started to buy his coffee from Krispee Kreme.

You're a Jerk

There are a few people who I don't like.

- People who pretend to look like Lil Wayne
- People with really bad breath who are also close-talkers
- Rude people
- Judy

Judy for some reason really bothers me. I try to get along with her but every moment gets worse. I don't know whether it's the hair, the lipstick on her teeth, the way she carries her rolly backpack, or the way she repeats her drink after me.

Now, she has taken to avoiding me at the caffe and comes in a bit earlier to catch the girl who works before me. I apparently don't make her drink correctly. She doesn't want any foam because she wants more milk for her "money" and I guess a couple times I gave her a bit of foam. I mean, she's getting the largest cup size and only half the espresso shots. So she handed Tatiana the credit card and told her to please make her drink. So then, what did I do? I made her drink, of course. Then I left. Then Judy came back and said to Tatiana, "this is the best latte. You always make them so perfect." I wish that I could have jumped up from behind the counter and told her the "surprise," that I made her drink, but I held back. Next time. So you better get ready Judy or I'm stealing that rolly backpack.

Rap World and Grandmas

I love rap music. I think it's the best. Some of my favorite artists are people like Lil Wayne, TI, T-Pain, and Fabolous. One time I thought I saw a man who resembled Lil Wayne. I quickly became obsessed and decided that instead of pointing at him all night, I must talk to him. And then I realized that he looked nothing like Lil Wayne, he only had the dreads, and I was very quickly disappointed. I am still recovering from the shock and it's been 7 months.

Since most older people I know (my mom and dad) don't like rap music, I assumed all older people don't like rap music. They prefer the oldies since they are oldies themselves. Today, that assumption was proved wrong.

A young man walks him. Let's call him Soulja Boy. He ordered a frappucino (the drink that all rap stars order). Then after he paid he said that when he makes it big in the music business, he will come back and give me a huge tip. The older woman behind him, who is around 70, asked him what he does. Then we found out that he dances like "Chris Brown" and "pops and locks." This older woman is very fascinated by this young boy and I am fascinated by all of this. The woman looks at both of us and says she loves watching hip hop dancing. And then she informs us both that her son is a hip hop artist. I love this woman and also maybe I love her son. I wanted to ask her if her son resembled TI but she was out before I could spit out the question. I'm preparing a rap and dance routine just in case she comes back.

the Circus...

...and not the same kind of circus that Britney Spears sings about. It all started off with Judy (the pigeon-toed lady who works in the area). She comes rolling in with her rolly suitcase behind her and a fresh application of bright pink lipstick. As usually she repeated her order 3 times even though she never changes it and comes in every single day. This time, however, she really thought it was funny and started to laugh after she ordered it, making some joke about how she's already had one coffee today. I unfortunately couldn't laugh with her and her "joke" because I was distracted by the pink lipstick that wasn't on her lips and instead was coating her front teeth.

Then when she finally left, in walked in Antonio (the janitor) to inform me that I looked really "hermosa" yesterday. I didn't want to be rude so I said "gracias" and went back to reading my book. He didn't feel like stopping and decided to add one more comment. That comment was how he loves to see girls dressed "bien femenina." I started to wonder if he is often confused with men dressed as women, or if he sees a lot of women dressed as men. The life of a janitor...

Panamanian Disguise came in again. This is unfortunate to my mental health. But today he told me I looked like an Asian Princess. I am not sure how I did that, or why, or how he knows what an Asian Princess looks like, but I'll take it. I gave him a peace sign with his change to make sure he got the full effect.

Math Projects

I looked at the calendar and realized that it wasn't December, but it was September. Then I thought about all the holidays in September. I couldn't think of any except of Labor Day. There were no parties that I knew of going on. So I had to wonder, why was this woman dressed like a Christmas elf?

I tried to take her order but was secretly awaiting my present. I got no present, but I did get her drink. It took me only a few tries to understand what she wanted because she had a cotton ball in her mouth. I didn't want to be rude and ask her to take it out. I thought I was done with her once she had her drink in hand but she kept coming back. I guess to her I was her Santa Clause. Too bad I can't give my own self surprise presents.

Elf: So I bet you love your job.
Me: Yeah, it's fun and also funny. You see some crazy things
Elf: So do you prefer to work at Starbucks or here?
Me: I don't know. I have never worked at Starbucks
Elf: But if you did
Me: I wouldn't work there
Elf: But just imagine if you had to chose between the two
Me: I would obviously work here
Elf: What do you get paid
Me: Minimum wage plus tips
Elf: Oh ok, so how much is that about?
Me: Not very much. That's why if you have any job in the service industry you have to depend on the tips
Elf: Okay so about how much is your salary
Me: I don't get a salary I get paid hourly
Elf: So how much is that?
Me: (Seriously????) Why don't you go over there and figure this out. Do you like math?
Elf: I am not very good at it.
Me: Well you can practice today.

And then I wrote out some numbers and broke it down by day, then made her figure out what could be the weekly number, and then told her to figure it out yearly. Then to throw in a little extra surprise since every Santa needs a helper, I had her take out the "taxes." It was funny to watch to say the least. I could tell she kept trying to come over to ask me more questions about the math homework I assigned her, but then I had a line of other customers. I wonder if she ever figured it out?

Keep the Change

There is a man. He somehow has 2 last names because it changes between one and the other each time he comes in. He is married. Him and his wife make up the most annoying couple I know. He is a diamond trader. She is something annoying too. She never orders her own drink but makes Him order it. He likes to make dumb jokes while he orders his drink. He gets the same thing every time yet always feels like he needs to repeat his order after I say "your usual?" He is also one of the cheapest people I know. Today he really overdid himself. So today, I will call him Todd.

Todd: Heya there stranger
Me: Hi
Todd: Make sure to punch my card. (we have punch cards so that after 12 drinks, you get a free one). It should be under Todd Tulip or Todd Rock.
Me: I put it under Rock. Your usual?
Todd: Yes, a double tall americano
Me: I know. How's business?
Todd: It's pretty good.
Me: It's going to be $2.04
Todd: Here's $2.25. You can put the rest in your jar and how about next time I need a few cents I will just keep borrowing from you
Me: How about you just give me a real tip?

Oh Todd. He's like the cubic zirconium of diamonds but the fake cubic zirconium (if that exists) that you get in a vending machine. I think next time I will give him most of his drink but not the whole thing and tell him that on his next visit he can collect the rest of his drink.

Nickels and Vanilla?

One of my least favorite customers came in today. I will call him Frank because sometimes that can be an annoying name. He is the one who orders decaf coffees and carries a huge man purse and wears only sweatpants. He never orders without his ipod and has never not knocked over something on the counter.

Today he ordered his usual coffee. Then Frank decided that he didn't want to give me any quarters or dollar bills and sat there counting out nickels while all the people in line behind him were rolling their eyes. He finally got out the correct amount and then goes to add in all the "fixings." As I'm taking the next order he starts to shout out "what happened to the vanilla powder?" I remind him that we have never had vanilla, but we have always had white chocolate. Apparently though, Frank is more of an expert than me, and said that he was sure that we had vanilla. I said, no, we have never had that, it's always been white chocolate. He refused to believe me and said "yes, you did. 2 months ago it was vanilla and now it's changed to white chocolate." Since he was being a smart-ass, I decided to be one too. Then I asked Frank if it had tasted like vanilla or if it tasted the same as it does now, like white chocolate. That shut him up. Oh Frank. Maybe you need bigger sweat pants. I think those are cutting off the circulation to your brain.

Whistling

I wish that I knew how to whistle. I used to know. Well, actually that's a lie. I used to be able to whistle by sucking in air but now, I can't even do that. I can still suck in air, of course, it just doesn't make a sound.

I was taking about the garbage and on my way back to the caffe I hear this whistling. It's not like a whistle song, or a whistle tune, it's more like a cat call. So I look into the parking lot. I don't see anything. So I turn around and hear it again. Then I hear it again. I keep looking but don't see anything. I finally go into the caffe to finish up a couple things. Then when I am outside again, I hear the whistle 3 times more. I think this person is crazy. And little do I know that I am right. This person is GoldTeeth and he is waving and whistling from the parking lot. Thank you GoldTeeth for my special call.

Holistic Healing

Things that go well together:

- ketchup and mustard
- pants and shirts
- peanut butter and chocolate
- Horses and Dogs that look like horses
- snuggie and Me

Things that don't go well together:

- Sweatshirts and sweatpants
- socks and sandals
- short hair and long hair on the same head at the same time
- snakes and necks
- Yoga masters and ice cream

Today I met a yoga master who travels all over giving yoga seminars. I thought that sounded pretty cool. She didn't look like a typical yoga teacher but she was very friendly. Then she got a coffee. Then she also got some ice cream. I, for some reason, found this a bit strange since she was talking about yoga and seemed to only talk about it. I guess I imagine all yoga masters to be vegan and look like stick bugs with a few muscles. I applauded her for eating the ice cream.
Then I learned about how I had a good aura and how she could see some things in my future. Then I got the business card. She was not really a yoga master. She was a holistic healer and body calmer. I consider her the Mary Kay Cosmetic representative of the yoga world. I wonder if those people get really cool Yoga mats like the Mary Kay people get those pink Cadillacs?
And does everybody she meets have a good aura?

Panamanian Disguise Part II

Man in the Panamanian Disguise came back today. I am starting to not like this disguise and usually I love all things Latin. Unfortunately he is not Latin, nor does he look it, and he definitely doesn't act Latin. Therefore, this disguise is not one of my favorites because I am not duped, not even from the beginning before he opens his mouth.

Once again he thought he was humorous. This time though, I didn't laugh. Not even a courtesy laugh.
Fat Panama: Heya
Me: hi. How's it going today
FP: Smashing
Me: That's great. I'm happy to hear your day is going so great
FP: You didn't ask me what I was smashing...
Me: No response
FP: You see, you should have asked me what I was smashing and then I would have told you something funny
Me: (No, you wouldn't have. Maybe we should stick to a 2 sentence limit from now on so pick wisely.)

Wheelchairs

Some of the things I used to be obsessed with:

- crutches
- kettle corn
- corn nuts
- gummy candies
- over sized sweatshirts

and of course......

- wheelchairs!!!!!

I am not sure why or how, but I always wanted one. Sometimes I would practice in the airport. I always wanted to use the motorized shopping cart at the grocery store but I was always too afraid someone would yell at me.

Today an old man in a wheelchair came in. He didn't quite look like the precious old wheelchair man you might be envisioning right now. He looked more like Patches O'Hoolihan from Dodgeball. And he was also crazy. At first I thought i forgot to give him his drink since he was waiting there for a good 10 minutes, but I realized that he just liked to talk. I tried to stop paying attention but he kept shouting at me, so then I listened. I learned about elevators and how sometimes they go down to the basement. Then other times you take the elevator down and you end up in a different building and you go up again and you end up in another different building. I wanted to ask him where this "magic" elevator was, but I chose to just drop the conversation. And then he started on communism...

You're Ugly

I woke up this morning tired. Then I had 3 shots of espresso. Still was feeling tired. I attempted to go for a bike ride. I use the word attempted because I can't honestly remember the last time I was on a bike. But I wanted to try because for some reason I have become obsessed with bike riding for the last 2 days. I was still tired after that and came to realize that I was just going to be that way all day. This would mean my patience level wasn't going to be very high. In order to have a successful work day I would need to pretend to be busy and/or have no voice so I would not have to deal with very many customers.

To start off the day...

I walk into the caffe and who is sitting there waiting for me? GoldTeeth!!!!!! I immediately ran behind the counter only to hear him shouting at me that he is so happy to see me and has been waiting for the last 30 minutes. I "get supplies" in the back and when I come back 20 minutes later, he is gone. I think I have done a good job avoiding him but then, he comes back. He never really has anything to say except now he asks me about going to Spain all the time.

GT: So when are you going to Spain?
Me: As soon as possible
GT: Awww baby, well hopefully you will go after I leave?
Me: I will hopefully go before you leave and also still be there when you get back
GT: Well what's holding you up?
Me: My job
GT: They work you too hard here.
Me: That's the life. Now I have 2 jobs and am working a good 60 hours a week
GT: That is too much. This boyfriend of yours needs to help you
Me: No he doesn't. And he can't. He lives in Spain remember. Plus I don't need help
Gt: Yes you do. A man should help his woman
Me: I don't want any help. I am not working this much because I am in desperate need of money. I am working this much because I'm getting real life job experience. This is called Independence. It is also known as "I am doing what I want."
GT: Do you have any kids?
Me: No. Are you serious?
GT: Well then why are you working so much? You need money? Why don't you leave that boyfriend and then we can go out.
Me: That would never happen
GT: Why not?
Me: Because I would never date you, even if I didn't have a boyfriend
GT: Why not?
Me: You're too old
GT: But that's good. You need an older man to help take care of you.
Me: I don't need to be taken care of. How old are you anyway?
GT: 54
Me: Yup, that's older than my dad. That's gross. You are 24 years older than my maximum dating age.
GT: Come on
Me: You're also ugly
GT: I know, I need to lose some weight.
Me: You need to do more than that. You can start by throwing out all your cut-off tees. And I prefer silver to gold by the way.
GT: Oh come on baby. I can leave you all my money when I die
Me: (there were so many good comebacks to that...) You have got the wrong girl
GT: Well you look busy so I will leave you alone today but I will come back to visit you again this week. My beautiful latte girl with those big brown eyes
Me: I'm getting colored contacts tomorrow...


To continue with my annoying day

Overtalker decided to come in just for a visit. I still can't figure him out. He obviously still can't figure out the meaning of customer service because he keeps trying to ask personal questions when I have a line of customers. Maybe it's a good thing he can't see the faces they are all making behind him?

And finally, on Saturday, I cancelled my date with Big Cop. I didn't want things to be awkward. I also wasn't interested. Today he didn't come into the caffe once. Then he finally showed up with all his other cop buddies and in his hand was a coffee from Krispy Kreme.

Dating Customers

I try to have a general rule not to date any of my customers. Sometimes I break this rule but mostly I think it's a good idea. Sometimes when you date your customers these things can happen:

- they become obsessed with coffee and want to visit all the time (that is annoying)
- they become awkward and start buying their coffee elsewhere
- they stop tipping you and think inviting you to dinner is compensation enough
- they think they should receive free baked goods

Sometimes I wish that I could date my customers but then they are usually the ones who are married or are gay and therefore are not interested. Sometimes, people are confused by a little thing called customer service. They think it's flirting. It's not. And then sometimes awkward times happen.

Today, I got asked out by Big Cop. I tried to deflect the question so that things would stop being awkard (apparently, mostly for my own sake since he wasn't feeling awkward).

Big Cop: would you like to go out with me Saturday?

Me: I work Saturday

BC: Until what time?

Me: Late. Really late. I don’t get off until 10

BC: 10???????

Me: Yeah, at the earliest 9:30

BC: Well I can come in and kick everybody else. I can pick you up?

Me: I am not sure. I usually cancel on people whenever I make plans. I’m too tired trying to entertain people at work

BC: I know this place with great chocolate cake

Me: I will only go if we can put a candle in the cake to celebrate my sister’s birthday and also presents need to be involved.

In walks another customer…BC leaves and I think that I have done a good job deflecting the “ask-out.” But then 10 minutes later he is back

BC: I am serious about Saturday night

Me: Yes I know

BC: I wonder what it will be like to have an uninterrupted conversation with you

Me: Probably overwhelming. And we would probably continue to get interrupted. Crazy things like that always happen. So do you want a coffee this time or what?

Then he gets his coffee and leaves only to come back 5 minutes later.

BC: So can I have your phone number?

Me: No you may not

BC: That’s rude

Me: Yes. You can have it if you can guess it

BC: Are you serious?

Me: Dead Serious.

Then he guessed my number digit by digit. And now let’s see if things get awkward. To go out on Saturday or not? I’m not very interested. Although I do like chocolate cake…But he’s very cheap so he would probably not even let me get my own piece.

Welcome to Food Handlers Class

My food handlers permit recently expired so in continuance with my title as #1 Barista, I had to renew it. I took this as an opportunity to stake out my future boyfriend. In watching the video, I also realized that you would have to be a complete idiot to not pass the test at the end. In order to receive your card of honor, you must understand the concept of wearing plastic gloves, washing your hands, and a bit about storing food. It is also helpful to be fairly fluent in English. Unfortunately, all my future boyfriend prospects didn't pass the test. The lady monitoring the exam kept repeating in very bad Spanish "Senor, no es bueno," and there in the section for failures sat all the future bfs. I mostly felt sad for them, and also for myself. I wish I could have translated their test for them, but the lady would have thought I was cheating. Looks like I will have to look elsewhere for my future boyfriend.

Fake Blind People

Today I learned about "Bumps." I always wondered why some streets had bumpy strips of yellow going down it and now I know. These bumpy strips are for Blind People! This way they know where they are and how to get where they are going. Whoever thought of this is pure genius.

When a person is not blind, however, they should not use the bumpy part in the street. Just like how you shouldn't use the handicap bathroom when you are actually not handicapped (unless you have to pee very badly and all the other stalls are taken, then I think it's allowed).

These rules apply to people who pretend to be blind mostly because they are lazy or dumb or need better glasses. I had two fake blind people in a row. The first guy wanted to know if I had any food. The whole counter is surrounded by food but of course I had to name everything. Then I told him about our sandwiches. Then I pointed to where the sandwiches were. Instead of looking at them (up-close as was necessary) he asked me the kinds of sandwiches. I then described the sandwiches to him and he responded "well, I want a turkey sandwich because I had a ham sandwich for breakfast." (I guess the guy loves a good sandwich). So I tell him that the turkey sandwiches are in the back, behind the ham sandwiches. I go ring it up at the counter and wonder where he is at. As I look over, I see him standing in front of the sandwiches holding up a bag of sliced apples and asking me if he grabbed the turkey sandwich. I took it upon myself to move from behind the counter to the front of the deli case and get him his sandwich personally. Maybe he really was blind and just forgot his cane?

Immediately after FB1 (Fake Blind 1) walked in FB2. She also had glasses but "couldn't really see anything.) She picked up an apple first and asked what it was. I said "apple." Then she picked up a cliff bar and asked what it was. I said "cliff bar." Then she picked up another cliff bar and asked the same questions. I repeated "cliff bar." Then she pointed to a few more things. This went on for a good couple of minutes until FB1 walked back in to ask about napkins. I handed him some napkins then went back to FB2. She decided at this point to get some ice cream to which I had to name all the flavors even though each one had a sign in front of it describing the flavor. I would have hoped she could have gone for Caramel Chameleon or Salted Caramel with Gingersnap after all my efforts, but instead she went for a plain vanilla. Then she wanted some napkins too. Then FB1 came back over for more napkins and FB1 and FB2 started to talk. For some reason, I don't think this will make a very successful couple. That is unless they both get better glasses or Lasik eye surgery.

Russian is Back

Returning from his recent trip to MIA (Miami), Russian is back in the game. He apparently produced a CD. I am not sure why he is still working in construction if he is as big a deal as he says he is, but who am I to talk?

His launch party is happening Thursday. Maybe I'll go?

Inappropriate

If I worked at a strip club I would understand all the inappropriate comments. If I worked at a bikini coffee stand, I would also understand a few gross comments. But at a reputable caffe, I don't really quite understand what prompts people to comment so much and so inappropriately. Some areas of talk which are considered inappropriate by your barista are:

- sex
- marriage proposals
- drugs
- drinking (unless the barista is involved in this said activity)
- Lace
- Beer bellies
- Bikinis
- Issues of your boyfriend or girlfriend cheating on you (unless you pay me to be your therapist, and in that case, do I need to purchase glasses and a notepad?)
- Virginity


On a daily basis, all these issues are generally covered. Sometimes not in very much detail, which I am thankful for, and other days, people decide they just need to get everything off their chest.

Today that person was Antonio the janitor. He decided to come over and talk to me about my "club." I had no idea what "club" he was referring to but he seemed very positive about it. He even added the air quotes around it a few times just to emphasize the importance of my "club." I had this dream to own a nightclub a while back so I somehow thought he was referring to this. Then I realized that the club he was talking about was the "Virgin Club". At this same time I also realized that he has no idea what he is talking about EVER but thinks he knows everybody and their business.

Antonio: I know why you don't have a boyfriend
Me: Thanks Antonio. That's nice of you to say
Antonio: What? It's just because they can sense your virginidad (virginity) and don't want to taint you
Me: That must be it
Antonio: Si, es la verdad (yes, it's true). The men can sense purity. I sense your innocence. That man you end up with is going to be very lucky
Me: Antonio, that is disgusting. You are disgusting. And maybe I do have a boyfriend right now
Antonio: No, you don't. I can sense that too
Me: Well then maybe you shouldn't be a janitor
Antonio: If you had a boyfriend and he was pleasing you correctly, then you wouldn't be in a bad mood.
Me: I'm only in a bad mood when you walk in
Antonio: Why are you so mean to me?
Me: Because you disgust me.
Antonio: Is Veronika also in you "club?" And what about that Christina? She is in your "club" too no?
Me: That is none of your business. Why don't you start your own club and called it sleazeball?
Antonio: What is that?
Me: Your new club.
Antonio: We are friends right?
Me: No
Antonio: Come on baby
Me: I think someone spilled popcorn outside. You should probably go do your real job and clean that up.
Antonio: You keep your virginidad. You will make some guy very happy. If only I were younger and not married...

And to think that this is how he would talk to an "Innocent Girl". Thank God Antonio has so many other senses. Hopefully the other 5 work better for him.

and GoldTeeth Returns Again

I feel like my life and Goldteeth is like the number of Fast and Furious movies. They should have stopped making them after the first one, but they just don't. Goldteeth should stop visiting. He should have stopped after the 1st visit yet he keeps coming back. How does one go about making it go away, both the Fast and Furious Sequels and also Goldteeth?

I think that I am almost done for the night and then walks in Goldteeth. Since I don't know how to handle him, my best solution is just to laugh. What happens is that I laugh in his face while he is talking to me. Luckily or not luckily, he never seems to get it.

GT: I thought you were supposed to be in Spain?
Me: Yes, I was, but it didn't work out
GT: Didn't you already buy your ticket?
Me: (forgetting that I had told him that) Oh yes, but I actually was able to postpone my ticket
GT: So is your boyfriend paying for that?
Me: No, he's not. I paid for it
GT: Well, he should pay for it since you are going all the way over to see him
Me: I'm an independent girl. I can pay for my own ticket (I also don't have a boyfriend you crazy)
GT: Well I will go with you to Spain
Me: No Thanks. I am going to go with my friends in March
GT: Oh dang sweetie. I will be out to sea, you know, since I am a Merchant Marine
Me: That's too bad. Enjoy that sea
GT: Yeah, you know, I'm a seaman. I'm a merchant marine
Me: yes, I know. You tell me every time
GT: Well, baby, if I were your boyfriend, then I would buy you plane tickets to come see me. I would buy you a car so you wouldn't have to walk to work
Me: That's nice. (So how come you never even give me a tip if you have so much money?)
GT: Yeah, well, you know, you better watch out for this boy. He's probably looking for a green card
Me: Well, YOU KNOW, Spain isn't a poor country. They don't really want or need green cards to be in the United States. They like their country
GT: Well, you better not let him get you pregnant with his baby
Me: I already have (I mean if you have an imaginary boyfriend you can technically also have imaginary kids)
GT: WHAAAAT?
Me: Yes, I already have 2 kids with him
GT: And he doesn't pay for your plane ticket?
Me: Child Support you know...
GT: Well when you are ready for a real man...I'm going to keep coming back and visiting you. Don't worry. I leave in a month.
Me: Great
GT: Yeah, don't be worried you know, because I'm going to keep coming to visit you before I go.

Me: (Okay. Please bring a car next time. My feet get tired of walking from the bus stop to work)

Sometimes I think there is a silver lining in every black cloud. But what does that mean when the silver lining is more commonly known and seen as gray hair in his black beard?

I LOVE CONSTRUCTION!

Some things I want to learn to do:

- sew
- cook like an Iron Chef
- fix a car
- blow glass
- sail
- how to meet someone nice of the opposite sex
- CONSTRUCTION

In my love for construction, I also share a love of construction workers. My parents don't always appreciate that love, but I know some day, somebody out there will. My younger sister and I can be walking down the street, talking about something important, when we hear the sound of a jack hammer. All else will go on pause so we can check out the construction sight and who might be involved. I always pray for some muscle tees, and if I'm lucky, a tool belt.

I have a customer who comes in every single day. He likes to get ice cream (after all, these days, who doesn't?). He is a construction worker. I know this by his bright orange or green shirts that he usually wears, and also by his burly tan. He is one of my few favorite customers. He won this title not only because he is a construction worker, but because he likes to sass, and also he takes his mother out for dinner a few times a month. I think that's cute and shows he's sensitive and generous. His order never comes to more than $3 but he always leaves me a $5 tip. If only he weren't the age of my father and/or Hispanic...

Not Funny

Jokes are always a great way to pass the day. Certain jokes, however, should never be told. Also, people who think they are amusing but really are not, should be told to shut up. I, unfortunately, cannot tell my customers to shut up because that would be rude service. But I can give them my "shut up" eyes. I can also refuse to laugh. You would think that these methods would get someone to shut up, but I must not be doing them correctly because people continue making bad jokes even after their coffee is done. And here is Mr. not Funny today.

Me: Hi! How are you?
Curtis: As good as my twin, whatever that means
Me: Ok. I don't know. Never heard that expression before. Hopefully your twin is doing well
Curtis: Lemme have that (pointing to a pastry)
Me: The cinnamon roll?
Curtis: That
Me: The cinnamon roll?
Curtis: I want what I'm pointing at. How much is it going to be
Me: the CINNAMON ROLL is going to be $2.45
Curtis: And I want a small coffee
Me: Our smallest is 8 oz. Did you want that one or the 12 oz. (the cups are arranged in order so I continue...)
Curtis: Small
Me: The one on the far right or the 2nd to right
Curtis: The far right. Even though I'm not right winged
Me: Ok. It's going to be $4.13
Curtis: It's going to be or it already is?
Me: It IS $4.13
Curtis: (hands me the money) Wow it sure got to that fast
Me: (You're not funny just so you know)

One Scoop Two Scoop

I love ice cream. I think everybody loves ice cream. If they don't, then they aren't a person who I would be friends with, so therefore don't count. As much as I love ice cream, I hate to scoop it. However, on the brighter side, it can also be said that ice cream is one of my favorite foods. I don't usually like the fruity flavors, but sometimes I can go for those as long as chocolate or coffee is involved in the mixture as well. Some people just like plain vanilla. I usually equate this to boring people. But some people far exceed my expectations.

In walks a lady who is a bit older, probably in her mid 60s. She's got short spiky gray hair and really wants some ice cream. She orders the plain vanilla. Then she talks about how much she loves ice cream so much. I hand her the ice cream cone and she looks like she's about to cry she's so excited.

Five minutes later I see her standing in line again with an empty cone in her hand. I start to get scared. I imagine she has dropped her ice cream and now she wants another one and I will have had to scoop the ice cream yet again. But then she arrives at the front of the counter, raves about how good the ice cream is, and asks me to put another scoop on top of her cone. Even though I have to scoop another ice cream, this is somehow more exciting.

Then she receives her cone for the 2nd time and proceeds to talk to everybody in line about how good the ice cream is and just how much she loves ice cream.

Me too lady, me too.