Cleaning

There are obviously a lot of things that I love. Some of them are normal things like gifts and surprises, and other things aren't quite as obvious, something such as cleaning. But I love cleaning. I also love organizing. I like to say "I love to do my Cs and Os!" But there are only certain types of cleaning that I like since cleaning can fall into many categories. These categories can be but are not limited to:

- dentistry
- janitorial
- Plumbing
- Chimney Sweeping
- Pipe cleaning
- Zoo keeping
- Gardeners
- Doctors
- People similar to Cinderella

I like to do the cleaning work of Cinderella but only for myself, and also not sweeping, mopping, or dusting. Mostly I like to just clean my own room. Jabron, on the other hand, even though he is a janitor, doesn't like to clean at all. I think part of it is because he can't bend down over his large stomach to pick up any trash. But today he informed me of another kind of cleaning he was getting done. That's when he told me he was going in for his colonoscopy. Too much information Jabron. Way too much information.

Hugs

In order to be completely happy, one must hug at least 8 people a day. This is a proven point. I know this because I thought it up right now and it seems like a viable theory. In saying this, I decided to try and promote this theory. When I was out of something, like a pastry or bagel for example, I would give the customer in need a coupon. The customer of course was looking for a coupon for a free bagel or muffin, but instead I wrote, good for 1 free hug compliments of coffee princess. Sometimes they were confused, but when I put my arms out for their hug, they saw the light. Unfortunately, I only gave out 3 hugs today, but it made me happier than when I hugged nobody, so I can only imagine how one would feel hugging 8 people.

Then confused Gerbil #2 showed up. I didn't want to give him a hug. After talking about boxing for the hundredth time, he decided to mention to me that he used to write poetry for funerals. I don't see where the connection between poetry and boxing lies, but it must be there somewhere. I guess I should have given him a hug.

First Aid

Today I performed First Aid. Good thing I have had practice with my own finger. A construction worker came in with a huge cut. He had slipped with a drill and managed to drill his own hand. Instead of covering it properly, he had his hand wrapped in duct tape. Naturally, I asked why he had duct tape on his hand. First I thought warts, but then I saw the damage. I told him that duct tape isn't a good method to heal a cut so then I performed CPR and gave him a band-aid. Just kidding about the CPR bit. That would have been a riot though. If only I was part of Girl Scouts and then I could have gotten a badge.

Christmas Gifts

Now is the time for gifts. Well, actually, I think gifts should happen all year round but then everybody would be poor, so I will accept gift exchanges only a couple times a year. These couple of times meaning all holidays, including my half-birthday. Today I received lots of Christmas gifts so obviously I was extremely excited. A lot of these gifts came in monetary donations. Others were random objects such as a periodic table place mat. This gift was from Panamanian Disguise. I have to say I prefer a place mat to a loofah so his gift was very much appreciated. And then there was a customer who wanted me to give him a gift. He didn't get the memo that I don't do that on Today, I just receive. For his gift he wanted my shirt. I think a better gift for him would be a nice big slap across the face, all in good holiday spirit of course. After all, his cheek would be red in honor of Christmas!

GingerSNAP!

In honor of Christmas I have felt in a very giving mood. I also have decided that it would be fun to be a baker or a chef. Sometimes in my house I pretend I am on Iron Chef competing against myself mostly. This makes cooking a lot more fun. It also could potentially make you look crazy if you are seen talking to yourself. I make sure not to look crazy. So during this particular episode of Iron Chef Coffee Princess I made gingersnaps. I thought it would be a good idea to quadruple the recipe. This turned out to be a great idea because I got a workout at the same time with the dough weighing a good ten pounds. After I made over a 100 cookies I brought them in for the judges, also known as my customers. This was also my secret plan to increase sales because people would smell the cookies and want to come in. I think my cookies were winners because they brought me bonus tips and there's nothing I love more than tips with a bonus in front of it! Now that's what I call a great day.

Whip topping

When deciding between two things, one real, one fake, some people like to choose the fake. Some examples of this are maple syrup, cheese, Christmas trees, and whip cream. Some people just prefer the more artificial version. I know this because for a short period I was obsessed with Velveeta Cheese. Unfortunately, I never got to try it, but that is not the point. A couple ordered mochas today and specially requested them to be topped with "whip topping." In all my years I had never heard this before. I am not sure what whip topping is but I would like to see what it looks like. I wonder if you scoop it from a tub or if it squirts from a can? I gave them whip cream instead, they didn't seem to mind.

Shortly thereafter came a man clearly on drugs. I didn't know this until he changed his drink 3 times while I was making it. After I threw out the 3rd one, I decided to give him my best annoyed look. I think it worked because he said "I'm sorry miss, I'm not trying to be difficult." I said "really? because you're not doing that great a job at it." Then when I was putting the lid on his drink for what I thought was the last time, he tried to change it again. I told him "No" so then he ordered a hot dog.

Wallets

I love wallets. I think they are so fun. They come in all sizes and styles so you can never really get bored with one. That's why I make sure to have at least 5. Split up my money and cards so it's always like I am finding money which is the best feeling. Just kidding. I don't do this but I think it is a pretty good idea. I just need to make enough money to afford 5 wallets first and then I can start this plan. On another note, I found a wallet today. It was small, black, and leather. I looked through it and realized that the guy is a customer at the caffe. So I saved it for him and he came back to get it. Then he ordered a mocha. Then he tipped me $20 for my good deed. Can I make a job out of finding wallets and returning them? I wonder.

Flight Attendants

There is a man who is the supervisor of the area. I like to refer to him as Italian Stallion. Not really because he looks like an Italian Stallion but because he thinks he is one. Every time he comes into the caffe he tells me that he is Italian and he once was a flight attendant. I am not sure what this proves, but it must be something that I haven't yet figured out. Today, however, Italian Stallion came running in the caffe with a present for me. You know how I love presents. This present was a 2 pound box of chocolate truffles topped with a sparkly bow. Then he reiterated that he was a flight attendant for 20 years and how he knows women. Really knows them. Knows them so well that he said "there are 2 things that women love, chocolate and strawberries." In his mind, women cannot resist these things. Speaking personally, he is correct. But I have other friends who think otherwise. So I informed him "well, actually, I have some friends who don't like chocolate." He ignored this comeback and repeated that he was a flight attendant and gave all "his women" chocolate and strawberries for Valentine's Day. Then he informed me that he was allergic to strawberries. I responded with "sorry to hear that. My sister is allergic to raspberries." Then he continued "everything swells up when I eat them. EVERYTHING." I didn't respond. That unfortunately didn't deter him. "all the women threatened to feed me strawberries and hold me down just to see my _____ swell. They wanted to see how big it could really get." I tried to hide my face of total disgust but I wasn't too successful. All I could do was say "good thing I don't have any strawberries here."

the Bleeder

I maybe had a bit too much coffee. Or maybe I had not enough. One way or the other, I wasn't functioning on a normal level. All the police officers were sitting in the caffe enjoying their coffee and invited me to sit down with them. I resisted at first but then decided, this could be fun (after all, I still am working to get a badge). I brought over some boxes that I was supposed to collapse. With no fingernails it's a bit difficult to break down a cardboard box. That's when all the cops pulled out their knives. There are a few things I am scared of: snakes, guns, balding, and knives. Little cop was sitting next to me and told me to use his knife. So I did. And then in my slightly scared state, I hit my finger. I was hoping that it was with the butt of the knife so I quickly moved my finger underneath the table so I could look at it in private. I was hoping nobody would notice but the look on the cops faces made me realize that I probably did cut my finger. So I looked. And sure enough, sliced it right through to the knuckle. This was pretty gross. Good thing I was wearing a red shirt. Then little cop felt bad.

LC: I feel bad
Me: Well you should. It's your fault
LC: Maybe you should learn how to use a knife
Me: Maybe I should.
LC: I feel like I should take you out to dinner
Me: I feel like you shouldn't. Plus I only eat at Morton's steak house
LC: I guess I will have to work a little overtime
Me: Lots of overtime because I like to eat lobsters and steaks. I've got an appetite
LC: I really feel like I should take you to dinner. I feel so bad
Me: I think I've already been tortured enough for the night
LC: It's my last day here, you know? I'm really going to miss you
Me: Well, you can always come back. The caffe will still be here
LC: Yeah, but I'm going to have to start studying at the academy.
Me: Sorry I can't talk to you anymore. I've lost too much blood.

Sexy Hats

Sometimes I like to play a game with myself. This game consists of me coming up with two things that don't go together. Some examples of this are

- elephants and mosquitos
- toothpick legs and egg-shaped bodies
- Transit Drivers and everybody else

Crazy bus driver came in today. He usually sticks to flipping his long gray hair like a girl at the counter, but today, he took it one step further. Today, he brought out a comb and began to brush his hair. This is quite disgusting. It was even more disgusting when I found his hair on the counter. While I was vomiting in my mouth he took the time to comment on my hat. My hat was an orange knitted hat with some flowers on it. I considered it cute. He called it sexy. I am not sure how a knit cap can be sexy, but he kept going. He then told me his whole heritage (knowing that I like foreigners) and asked me if it was enough foreign for me. He had me at Cherokee Indian.

Then I met a taxi driver minus a license. Not sure how this one works out but I am guessing in Ethiopia you must not need a license to drive a car. Sounds fun.

wobbly toothpicks

Toothpicks are great for picking your teeth. They are not great for supporting things, especially if that thing is heavy and also a person. I am referring to the Egg on toothpicks. He has a bit of a balance problem I have noticed. The last time he was in the caffe he almost fell off the chair. This time he was holding a drink (not from the caffe), ran into a chair, knocked it over and then spilled his drink all over the floor. I would have wanted to punch his face but I was so amused by his toothpick legs that I let it go this time. Then he just marched behind the counter and grabbed some towels. Apparently he thinks he is allowed to do whatever he wants, including go behind the counter like an employee. He needs to do a few more lunges before he can become an employee. I am afraid his legs might collapse underneath a case of water.

Gifts

Today was the day of gifts. It wasn't exactly my birthday but I pretended it was. Nobody really knew that I was pretending but I secretly celebrated it in my head. In honor of my "birthday" I received some hand warmers. These warmers were from Panamanian Disguise. Normally I would love this gift because I'm always cold, but then Panamanian Disguise also called me his girlfriend at which I decided I didn't like receiving gifts from him. Fortunately, it was followed shortly thereafter by a bucket of popcorn from another customer. And I love popcorn so I was feeling pretty good. Then to finish off my day, I met a young man who had a similar background to myself. I was getting excited about this because I thought, hey, maybe this guy wants to be my friend. But then he asked if he could take me to coffee sometime. Newsflash sir Robin, I work in a coffee shop, don't really want to go to one for a date. But I still gave him my phone number.

Shoniqua and her new diet

I thought that Shoniqua was still involved with her diet. I am always confused by this because one day it's a diet, the next day she is giving up. I think today was one of those give up days because she came into the caffe a total of 3 times today. The first time was for a 20 oz. hot chocolate with extra whip cream and a cup of noodle. Diet Off. The 2nd time was for some apple slices. Diet back on. The third time was for a cobbler dessert bar. Diet back off. Then the final time she came back for one more cobbler dessert bar because the first one was so good. Diet still off. It's a good thing she can be so flexible. I wonder what tomorrow will hold?

The 4 cent tip

Everybody knows how much I love tips. I mean, who wouldn't? I think I would also really love a job that didn't have tips. A job that involves perhaps an office, salary, and normal hours. You can imagine how much I love it when people say "so you went to an ivy league college...and you're working here?" That usually is my favorite comment. Today a man said "God, I hope my son doesn't end up like you. I'm not paying for his college to end up working at a caffe." Thanks mister. He paid for his coffee with a credit card. There is a line for a tip. I saw that he put something on the tip line. I said a premature "thank you" and as he walked out he told me "good luck paying back those student loans." Then I looked at the tip line and he had given me a 0.04 tip. I hope his son doesn't end up working in a caffe, I hope he ends up there. Luckily I didn't have to feel bad for too long because the next guy in line wrote down his phone number and passed it to me across the counter. He then told me "if I really wanted to pay back those loans, to give him a call because he has a great job for me." I don't know why today everybody was so concerned about me and my education. Maybe tomorrow I will find an official sponsor for grad school.

Gerbils love to dig

When people are bored, they like to do different things. Some imagine night clubs they wish they owned. Some think about food they are going to make later. Some think about coffee or alcohol, and some think of animals. Perhaps I fall into a few of these categories, but more importantly, when I'm bored I like to picture people as animals. There are two who no matter what, always come up as the same animal. This animal I call "confused gerbil." Since there are 2 of them I will call them confused gerbil #1 and confused gerbil #2.

Confused Gerbil #1 is an older lady who no matter what the weather is, is seen wearing sweat pants and snow boots and carrying a suitcase. I have never bothered to ask where she is coming from or where she is going, mostly because I don't want to interrupt the conversation she is having with herself. I like to watch her, as she watches the wall or the window, sipping her coffee, and I think "hello there confused gerbil #1, would you like a wheel to play on while you wait for your ride?"

Confused Gerbil #2 is actually an employee in the area. He is a very fast talker, has been punched a few times in the face (true fact) and really enjoys repeating himself. His hair is usually cut into a pseudo-mullet and his favorite word to say is "sweet." The first time I saw him as Confused Gerbil #2 was when he started to talk to one of the mannequins in the caffe. They are actually not mannequins but rather paper cut outs of people in a life-size form. They don't look 3-D nor look like real people (unless it's extremely dark out). Today he was even more of a Confused Gerbil when he was ordering at the counter. Actually, he doesn't have to order because I know his drink, so, unfortunately for me, he stands there and talks at me. I was wearing a shirt that said "Joe, is that you?" in reference to coffee. He repeated my shirt then shouted, No, Joe, it's me, Confused Gerbil #2. Oh to be confused and also a gerbil.

the Cigarette Plan

I am not a very big fan of smoking. Sometimes it's ok, but not when a person starts to smell only like smoke and their teeth turn black. Then I find this habit a bit on the disgusting side of things. On the other hand, I have a plan. This plan involves cigarettes. Lots of people come into the caffe looking for cigarettes. Of course we don't sell them. I don't know a single caffe that would sell cigarettes unless you are in a caffe in Europe. So, I got to thinking, why don't I sell cigarettes on the side? I can store them in my apron and when someone asks me, I can hand them over a pack and say $10. Then I can also sell nicorette gum in case they want to kick this habit. I realized the importance of nicorette gum today when a lady came into the caffe in a horrible mood. She was very rude and scattered. I gave her a drink as fast as I could, then she "forgot" to tip me, and then knocked over all the straws and left them for me to pick up. I was on the verge of punching her in the face but she walked out of the caffe just in time. That's when I noticed she had dropped her nicorette gum on the counter. Must have forgotten to chew a piece today. And that's why I must always have a stock of nicorette gum. This experience taught me just how important that stuff is and how great my side business is going to do.

Tramp Stamp

Tattoos are a fascinating phenomenon. Sometimes they look good, but lots of times, I just don't really like them. I saw an old man without his shirt on and on his back was a tattoo of a naked lady sitting on a stool. It was also saggy. Then there are the Jersey Shore boys. They love the barbed wire and "tribal" tattoos. What does these tribal tattoos mean? I might ask someone. But nobody has an interesting answer. I usually get peace, love, faith, or justice. There is a special kind of tattoo. These tattoos are called tramp stamps. They are located on the lower back, usually on women, but I think men can be tramps too, just to make things equal.

Today I was wearing a shirt underneath a sweater. The sleeves look similar to tattoos. For the day, I pretended I had "sleeves" (as is the tattoo term). Bernard, an older man with children and a wife, walks in and says, "hey beautiful! I thought for a second you had tattoos all up your arms." I responded, "nope," it's just my shirt. Then he continued "so why do you have the tramp stamps on today?" To which I said "excuse me? tramp stamps?" Given his age, he didn't actually know what or where a tramp stamp is located. Definitely not on the arms. Sorry Bernard, though the wrist is said to be very sensual in Ancient Chinese culture. I thought he would stop. But he ended on one last big bang "so, do you have a tramp stamp?" Then I gave him my final line "Do your daughters have tramp stamps?" He quickly changed subjects to aggressive driving classes. Apparently his son got in trouble by the Police. I bet he was distracted by his sister's tramp stamp.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty isn't one of my favorite stories but I still enjoy it as if it were. Sometimes I look at people and envision what they would be as animals. And other times, I picture them as foods that have legs and arms and maybe dance. There is a man who is a bit bigger on top and has these tiny stick legs. I like to picture him as an egg on toothpicks. On a good day, I see him as a muffin with dancing legs. This is a good thing because I can't help but smile every time he passes the caffe (and doesn't come in). Today, however, he had a change of heart and decided to come in. Instead of sitting at a table with chairs, he wanted to try the counter with the stools. I hear a crash, and down goes the stool. I immediately thought "humpy dumpty had a great fall." I expected to see him on the ground, but luckily it was just the chair. Unfortunately for him, I now like to quietly sing about humpty dumpy's great fall. It's too bad I don't actually remember how the story goes, only the part where he falls, so I just repeat that over and over again. Maybe sometime I will give him a performance while standing on a table. I think this is a good idea.

Riding Horses

There are lots of people who can ride horses. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I can count the number of times I have been horse riding on one hand. I also don't really like taking care of horses. I had to clean up after a dog and almost puked so you can imagine my reaction to horses. You can also imagine my shock when a man asked me if I rode horses. I don't know how he would think that. I answered "no." Then he told me that I looked like I would be an equestrian. I wonder what the "equestrian look" is. I didn't have to think more than a few seconds before he told me that I stood like I rode horses. I must stand bow legged, which does not speak well for me. But then I also remembered that I had my legs crossed at the time, so maybe I ride horses sitting side saddle, and that's pretty cool. I can go for that.

As I was thinking about my future as a horseback rider, I apparently neglected a customer. She sat in the corner of the caffe shouting at me to put more whip cream on her drink. First off, her drink didn't come with whip cream. Secondly, she couldn't even come up to the counter to ask for more whip cream. Thirdly, she should be on the same wagon as the other customers and skip the whip cream since you can lose 40 lbs a year from not having it.

Massages

Another thing I love are massages. I can't get enough of them. Usually a massage for me consists of me leaning up against a chair or corner of a wall and trying to massage my muscles. This is the most discrete way to get a massage in a public place, in my opinion. It usually doesn't do that much but it's great to tell people, "oh yes, I just came from my massage." This is great because it is true and people won't question you and will assume you came from a spa. This gives you high-class. The way not to receive a massage is from a random stranger at the counter of a caffe when you are ordering your drink. Inappropriate. The "masseuse" looked like the crazy guy from the movie "The Wedding Singer." Then he told me that he could give me one too. Inappropriate. For the next 5 minutes I watched them animatedly talk about massages. I prefer my wall corner.

Hot Dog

Judy has shifted her purchasing recently. Instead of a cookie with her coffee she now likes to buy hot dogs. Most people buy just one hot dog to eat for lunch. Judy, however, buys 2 hot dogs. One for now, the other for later. I am not sure why she wouldn't just come back when she wanted another one, so she can have it fresh, but I guess she LOVES the microwave. I will admit, microwaving is fun, but not that fun. Also, I don't think she should be eating 2 hot dogs a day. Seems like a bit of an unbalance. The good thing about this, however, is that I had more time to try to see what is in her rolly suitcase. I kept looking over the counter to try to see, but I still have no idea what she carries in there. I am so curious. I am going to pretend she has a cat in there and lots of lipstick. That seems reasonable.