Relationships

Today was a fake Valentine's Day. Sometimes people don't want to celebrate it only one time a year, so then they have it some other times, just for kicks. And today, was one of those days. I must have missed the memo because if I had known it was "bring your partner (in a relationship lovey sort of way)" to work day and then parade him/her around town, I would have gone to the state prison, picked up a guard, and called it good.

But since I missed this little memo, I just watched everybody else enjoying their fake special day.

1st relationship: Man with his money. He really loved his money. I mean, I do too, but this was particularly good. He looked really uncomfortable when trying to pay for his drink. I wondered why he was putting his hands in his shirt. And then I thought, hmmmm, maybe he is wearing a bra? But then he pulled out his money (tucked in his bra I bet), paid for his drink, then promptly went back to uncomfortable face to tuck the money back in. Coins included in case you were wondering.

2nd relationship: Woman and scone. She was by herself until she eyed the scones. Then she screamed with joy and started to jump up and down. Then pointed to the scone. I like to think she experienced love at first sight because that's how it should look. Then she walked out with the biggest smile on her face. I wonder what she would have done if I had had a cinnamon roll...

3rd relationship: Man(potentially gay) with girl. I thought at first they were super cute. I guessed he was gay and she was the best friend. He said thank you lots of times. He also swung his arms around a lot to express himself. I wanted to pick him up and swing him around and ask him to be my friend too but I thought I should wait until they order something else. And then this whole idea of mine just disintegrated when they sat in a corner and she mounted him and he stuck his hands up her skirt. I didn't know whether to watch or look away. So I would half hide behind the espresso machine and half pretend like I was counting money in the cash register. And then this went on for 10 more minutes. And then the dry humping started. Then she laughed and ran off. Then he came up to me and asked me where the bathroom was. Then I winked at him (because I knew exactly why) and pointed to where it was. Then he said thanks for the 100th time and ran off. And now I will never again use that bathroom. I also had to bleach the seats they were sitting on.

4th + 5th relationship: Big cop, Little cop, and me. Big police came in first. Then we talked.

Big cop (BC): I don't hate you.
Me: Thanks
BC: I work out at the gym 6 days a week. Look at my muscles
Me: Wow, that's cool. I bet you don't even need your guns then
BC: No, I can just use these (showed me his arms). You know there's also a taco bell near my gym
Me: Oh, I didn't know that. That seems weird
BC: So I like to go there afterward. Have you eaten a steak gordito
Me: No. I haven't entered a taco bell in probably 6 years
BC: We should go sometime and eat those.
Me: Maybe.

Then he left. And then I was graced with the presence of little cop after that.

LC: Hey, how's it going?
Me: Great! How are you?
LC: Excellent. It's my Friday
Me: Even better that your friday is on a friday. Lucky you
LC: So how many times a day do you get asked out?
Me: Ummm, I don't know. Enough that it's not flattering anymore
LC: Do you go out with your customers?
Me: No. As a personal rule I don't.
LC: Yeah, I mean, I would never ask out anybody at work.
Me: That's good. Could make things awkward
LC: So what do you like to do when you have a day off?
Me: Stuff. I don't know. I just want to learn to do lots of things
LC: Like what
Me: Construction, Painting, Dancing, Glass Blowing, Snowboarding, and also Cooking
LC: I just learned to Snowboard. I'm really good at it already. I can teach you sometime
Me: Thanks. Who do you go to the mountain with?
LC: Other cops.
Me: Cool. Can I wear a snowboarding outfit that looks like a cop uniform
LC: I can also teach you to build things. I know how to build furniture
Me: Good for you
LC: I'm not a very good dancer though
Me: That's ok. You can still learn. What's with all the questions? You really need a girlfriend. You already missed the 2nd valentine's day so maybe you can catch on by the 3rd
LC: I'm not looking for a girlfriend.
Me: okay. It sounded like you were. Sorry.
LC: I mean, I am not going to go out looking. I still want one
Me: Okay. Well maybe you should try copmatch.com (I don't actually know that exists but it sure should)
LC: Yeah I will check that out
Me: Okay. Your heading should probably involve either something with a taser or a beat stick.