Whip Cream

Whip Cream is so much fun. It's not just for drinks. You can use whip cream for pies, face masks, shirt decorations, and potentially as a PSR. After Thanksgiving, however, everybody wants to forget about whip cream. Apparently they have decided to start their diets before the next Holiday comes around. This makes me sad because sometimes I like to surprise people by putting the whip cream on top of the lid, instead of in the cup. I consider this more fun for both me and the customer. One customer informed me that if you cut out whip cream for a year, you can lose 40 lbs. "Ok, I am listening," I thought. I also thought, you can lose 40 lbs in a year if you stop eating like a horse. Then he started to talk about Subway and how dumb the workers are. I tried to agree with him but he kept talking and cut me off. Then he spoke to me like I was dumb too. Good thing I hid his whip cream on the bottom of his drink. Now who's the smart one?

Then Silver Fox walked in, looking good as usual. He started by purchasing an apple. Then by the end of our conversation he had bought a bag of nuts, a drink, and a cliff bar. I decided he's either trying to win my heart or I am a good salesperson.

PSRs

A PSR is a great thing. PDA, on the other hand, is not. It usually makes me really uncomfortable. Actually, it only makes me uncomfortable when I have to watch the PDA occurring. If I am involved, then please disregard my previous comments. A couple came up to the counter and I had to interrupt them several times to get their order. The first time, it's cute, then after that, it's annoying. Plus I feel like a creep watching them make-out at the counter, but unfortunately, I can't look anywhere else. When I finally got their drinks, they proceeded to the corner of the caffe where they could continue to make-out and straddle each other. I think that tomorrow I will have to put up a sign that says "Make-Out to Break-Out" because nobody wants acne.

What is a PSR? one might ask. A PSR is a Possible Sexual Reference. These are much more fun and less awkward.

For example, if you were to make a PSR to somebody you could say:

- I have to grab some extra napkins from the back room, care to join?
- I love men with manly hands
- I think you dropped something...
- send me a textual later? (textual is also code for text message, but put in this context, it sounds more sexual, therefore making it a PSR)

the Grinder

If we played word association these are some of the things you might come up with when I say "the Grinder."

- Hot dancer
- One who likes to grind
- Bump and Grind
- meat
- R. Kelly
- Espresso machine

Our grinder (for the espresso machine) keeps breaking. It's quite annoying when this happens. Usually it happens during rush hour which always makes for an even more fun situation. Tatiana gets the most annoyed with the grinder. I found this out today when I picked up the supply list.
This is her list:

- honey
- spoons
- sugar
- gums
- new grinder
- sexi man

I think I prefer the last item. If only we kept them in storage. I know I would do a lot more restocking ;)

Flared Jeans

Flared jeans are a look that has come back into style. You can see them on most women. Also skinny jeans and bootcut but I am not talking about those right now. Flared jeans can come in a variety of styles. You can get them with sequins, flap pockets, flowers, and even lace. Today I made the best discovery. This discovery was about flared jeans. I noticed that newspaper man was wearing a pair. These were also accompanied by white k-swiss tennis shoes. I would have thought he was a 12 year old girl had he not been wearing a neon vest. This outfit made me so happy I decided to try to talk to him today. However, our conversation consisted of the same old things. He wanted 9 cokes, I told him I wanted all his newspapers, he put the newspapers on my counter, then told me to go home. "I'd like to," I said. Then he said "ok. Go home now." And then miraculously, I got "extremely" busy and had to cut the conversation short. Sorry newspaper guy.

the Biggest Cookie

Judy is completely ridiculous. I knew that. Everybody knows that, but today she outdid herself. She came in tonight when I was closing to tell me to write up a note for the morning person. She wanted the note to say "Save the biggest oatmeal cookie with the most stuff for Judy." She didn't seem to think this was ridiculous. I asked her to please write a note for me. I wanted the note to say "no."

Then a regular customer came in and handed me a book. I love books. I love them almost as much as I love surprises but not as much as I love a book that is given to me as a surprise. But then I looked at the title of the book, "done." Interesting name I thought. But then I saw the smaller print. "what most religions don't tell you about the bible..." I don't really like this book. This is also the 3rd religious book I have received this year so I am starting to wonder what impression I must give to people. Probably one close to angelic. Probably.

Cologne

Yes, you can have too much of a good thing.

Good things that you can't have too much of:
- clothes
- coffee
- dance moves
- books
- heat
- foreign boyfriends


Good things that you can have too much of:
- hair
- alcohol
- cologne

A little squirt of cologne or perfume is delicious. I love it when someone walks by and leaves a little scent after them. I think it's really cute. Even for guys, unless they are wearing Axe which doesn't really smell that good. I almost couldn't make a coffee today because a man misunderstood how to use his cologne. I think he thought one squirt meant when you take off the top and dump half the bottle on your head. I held my breath while I made his coffee and as he sauntered off, his smell remained with me. And then I came up with a new word. Stell, which is a mixture of stench and smell. I think it could also be smech but stell sounds better.

Then Silver Fox came in. He's back. And he's still just as gorgeous if not moreso than before. Now that's some serious man candy. If only I could bottle him up and make that into a cologne.

Fingernails

Everybody has fingernails. Unless something is wrong with their hand, usually the fingernail is on top of the finger. Sometimes people are missing fingers and therefore don't have as many fingernails as a normal hand person, but that is ok. Still acceptable.

I am always fascinated by peoples hands. Maybe it's because mine are so beat up that I stare at other peoples. Currently the fingertips are burned off and each finger is sliced from things such as plastic yogurt containers, espresso grates, and knives.

For women, my favorite hands are:
- soft
- small
- mid length nails
- air-brushed nail design
- nails painted with an electric color

For men, my favorite hands are:
- manly

For some reason today, there were a lot of interesting hands that touched the counter. Unfortunately all the men's hands were everything but manly. Sad (mostly for me because I had to look at that). I guess besides crazy eyes, I have a pet peeve with men and their fingernails. I don't care if you are musician, you can still play the drums and/or guitar with shorter fingernails. That one long pinky nail isn't going to change much.

The thing about wearing a skirt

Skirts are great.
1) It rhymes with shirts
2) they can be long or short
3) They come in a variety of sizes
4) Guys love skirts
5) Girls love skirts
6) It's easy to wear spandex underneath one

Tatiana, after hearing my story about Jean Claude, decided that what I really needed was to wear a skirt. This was the one thing that would get him to ask me out. I was hoping that my personality, looks, or intelligence might be one of the factors, but the skirt easily won out. So to honor Tatiana's wishes, I wore a skirt. Actually I wore a sweater dress over leggings but the effect was almost the same. And what happened? I got asked out by Jean Claude. I guess she knows what she's talking about. Jean Claude tried to make the date for Friday. I was busy. Then he suggested Saturday. I was busy. Then he remembered it was his birthday. He was busy. Then he tried for the week after. I would be out of town. We both considered meeting up in 3 weeks but for some reason that seems ridiculous to plan a date a month in advance. I guess one could put it in the same category as making a dentist appointment.

Presents

I love presents. Love love love them. They are one of my most favorite things in the whole world. I don’t even care if the present it wrapped. I consider presents to be similar to surprises so it rates very high on my personal scale of greatness. I used to stay awake on Christmas Eve so that I would be the first one to check out all the presents. I would wait for “Santa” to deliver and then check out the goods. Of course this got me into trouble one time when I realized that “Santa” had delivered only the presents and left the stockings. Then I heard my mother downstairs. As I was hiding behind a wall, I saw her fill the stockings. I realized that my excitement for presents could not be deterred whether Santa exists or not.

I must have shared my love for presents too much because today I got a lot of them for no apparent reason. First I got a trinket from someone’s trip to New Orleans, then a customer delivered me dinner, and by the end of the day, the same guy who gave me a taster of sake gave me an entire bottle. Amazing. What a great day. I wonder what my actual birthday will be like.

The thief is caught

I utilized the police today for the first time. I was having a normal day when I saw him, the man who stole my tips. There was no money in my jar (luckily, but also sadly) and so instead of trying to steal more nonexistent tips, he asked me if there was a key for the bathroom. I told him no, that there was a public restroom that he could use. As soon as he left the caffe I called the police over. I reported that he was in the bathroom. Then they went over into the men's bathroom and waited. I was observing from behind the counter at a distance. Ten minutes passed and nothing. I started to think he didn't have to go to the bathroom, or he was just taking a very big poo. But the police finally tracked him down outside the stall. Then I filled out a report. Then the police took his information but proceeded to do absolutely nothing. Ten minutes later he was reported trying to steal tips from somebody else. Good work cops. Thank you for being there to serve and protect.

Snuggie

There is a guy who has started to come in. When he opens his mouth he sounds like he should be talking all the time. He has a very deep sultry voice but at the same time he’s a bit nerdy looking, so it’s quite shocking. For some reason, this is a bit attractive. Of course we got to talking, and then he shocked me again.

Jean Claude: It’s perfect weather for a snuggie

Me: Oh my gosh! I have one of those

Jean Claude: Are you serious?

Me: Would I lie about that?

Jean Claude: Wow, I have never actually met anybody who owned one.

Me: Yes, I got one as soon as they came out

Jean Claude: That’s truly amazing. Do you actually wear it?

Me: All the time.

Jean Claude: You should wear it to work

Me: I will be more prepared next time you come in

So Jean Claude wins some points.

- Knew what a snuggie was

- Ordered a black coffee

- Sat in the caffe reading a book that wasn’t a comic book or Mens Health

- Tall

- Deep voice

- Not socially awkward

We’ll see what happens next time he comes in. Maybe he will give me another snuggie as a gift. Then I can wear one the right way, the other backwards, and have my whole body covered in a blanket but still be able to move my arms.

Fallen

When I come to work, sometimes I want it to be busy and sometimes I want it to be slow. I guess it depends if I have work to finish. Today was quite busy. I had a line of people and an old guy at the end of the line. I kept hearing things crash and looking over. The old man kept knocking things over and not picking them up. Then he fell into the pastry case. I was wondering if something was wrong with him. I thought maybe he was retarded. By the time he got up to the counter and ordered his double espresso in a slurred speech, I realized that he didn’t have any actual physical problems, he was just drunk at 2pm. He did give me a $5 tip so that was acceptable. I handed him his little drink and put a lid on it, just in case. He asked me where the straws were so I pointed. I am not sure what happened between me pointing and him getting an actual straw, but I do know that 30 seconds later he was on the floor. I saw the newspaper kiosk fly across the caffe and then he was just laying there. I almost wanted to laugh but then he proclaimed “I’m just so sad!” I mean I would be sad if my zipper were open, I was drunk, I peed my pants, and I fell on the ground too. So I helped him up, re-made his drink, and then he wanted to thank me for being “so strong” by giving me a kiss. I told him no thank you. He finally made it out the caffe, only to stand right outside the entrance shouting “I’m sorry” every couple of minutes.

Unemployed

Generally I like repeat customers because I like to consider them my friends. Unless the repeat customer is Stick or Goldteeth, I am very friendly to them. I have a new repeat customer in the form of a very small older man. He orders the same thing every time, usually four times a day. I think it’s a little excessive but I guess the guy needs his coffee. I think 3 cups was a bit too much caffeine for him because then he started to talk, too much. Apparently he is unemployed. I understand that dilemma. I tried to help him and give him some possible options. That’s when I learned of his misdemeanor. Well good thing he only comes in 4 times a day instead of 5

A relationship with Stick

Stick decided to come for a visit today. He hadn’t been in for awhile, I started to consider myself lucky. But today, he was angry and decided that I would be the one to hear his story. Stick is clearly upset that Tatiana refuses to date him. Keep in mind that Tatiana is 27 years old. Stick is in his 60s. Stick has a stupid hair cut. Tatiana is super cute. Stick has a fake tooth, Tatiana has all her real teeth. Stick, I think, is a pedophile. Tatiana is not. Obviously nobody would date Stick unless they were just as crazy as him.

Stick ordered his drink and then talked to me about how Tatiana lost. I wondered what Tatiana lost but I didn’t dare ask that question. I didn’t want him to continue, even though I was quite amused.

Stick: You know I just finished a job, 7.8 million, and now I am moving projects, this one will be 4.3 million.

Me: Congratulations. That means you can leave me a big tip

Stick: You know, Tatiana is really losing right now

Me: Really?

Stick: Yeah. You can tell her that she lost out

Me: Okay, I will make sure to let her know

Stick: I don’t get why she’s with that guy. He sags his pants

Me: Well, that’s what she likes

Stick: Tell her when she wants to get with a real man…

Me: I don’t think you can call yourself a real man

Stick: Well, tell her that she really lost. Look at me

Me: I am. She seems to be happy. I think you are more upset about this

Stick: No, she really lost

Me: Okay, well hopefully sometime you will find someone for you. Good luck

Stick: Even though I am changing jobs, I know where you are. I am right here with you sweetheart. Love you babe.

Then he kissed his hand and reached out and touched my forehead. I bet tomorrow I will have a huge pimple there. And he wonders why he doesn’t have a girlfriend? Maybe he should start by getting a better hair cut, then a complete attitude adjustment.

Veterans Day

The good news is that today I didn’t have a pimple from Stick but who knows, there is still time. In honor of Veteran’s Day we decided to give away free latte’s to veterans. I was wondering how many people would come in and pretend they were Veterans.

The morning started off quite well and then the afternoon came around and all the fake veterans decided to come around. The best was a young man who looked like he had never gone through any sort of training in his life. He was also dressed up like a girl. He wanted a free latte so I asked for his Veteran’s card. Obviously he didn’t have one on him but he said he’d be right back with one. I waited but he never came back. Maybe he got lost trying to locate his Veteran’s card?

Particulars

Some people are very particular about things. Some examples are:

- Shoes
- Cinnamon Rolls
- Nachos
- Jeans
- TV programs
- Toothpaste

Judy is particular about absolutely everything. I sometimes wonder if she means to put the lipstick on her teeth. She is particular about her latte, her punch card, the hand sanitizer, and now she has become particular about the cookies. Today I had to pull out all the cookies so she could observe which one was the largest, had the most nuts, and was in the best circular shape. She bought 2 because she wasn't sure that the cookies would be as big tomorrow. Okay Judy, the cookies come fresh everyday, they always have the same things in them, and you wrapping it in a bag and taping it, doesn't make it just as fresh the next day. I wonder what the process was like for selecting her husband.

Bragging Rights

I love people who brag about themselves. I especially love how they find a way to throw their skill into every conversation. It's actually quite a talent to be able to do that without embarrassment. One person who has this skill-set is Antonio the janitor. When I say skill, you might think I am meaning it in a positive way, but actually I am talking about it as a negative skill.
There was a customer today who was a bragger himself. Before he even ordered his drink I learned about his amazing dance skills, his ability to play music, and the fact that he can speak 3 languages. And then he ordered a little girly, a big white mocha with caramel and whip cream. Instead of going to sit down, he instead stood next to the counter talking to me how he has amazing rhythm even though he's never formally taken a dance class. I pretended to stop listening, he kept talking. Then I thought, why don't you dance your way out of the caffe Antonio II.

the Homosexuals

I like to think that I am accepting of all people. I went to a school that was quite diverse in all sense of the word. Some people, however, are not aware that there are all different sorts of people in the world. This one person shall be called Bernard. I don't like that name unless it's prefixed with "Saint."
Bernard comes in a couple times a week and always orders an ice cream. Recently, he has started to order 2 ice creams and I can bet a plate of the best nachos that he eats them both. He is a very cynical older man and claims that everybody is rude in the city. I like to claim that they are only rude to HIM because he is rude. But I don't say that out loud in front of him.
Today, I was scooping his ice cream when he decided it was a good idea to start talking about "the homosexuals."

Bernard: The homosexuals are going to cease to exist
Me: What?
Bernard: In a few years, there won't be any left
Me: And who decided this? Hitler?
Bernard: No. I know this is going to happen. God would never allow it. You know, you're Muslim. They don't accept homosexuals.
Me: I'm not Muslim, and yes I do accept them. I have lots of friends who are gay
Bernard: That's disgusting. Well, God will have them wiped out soon. Moses didn't say anything about this in the Bible. People might as well start having sex with goats.
Me: Hmmmm, I don't really think that works that way. Seems to me you need to meet more people
Bernard: I don't need to meet any more people. They are all rude and horrible.
Me: Well, then I guess you are out of luck
Bernard: I lived with a homosexual once, and I know he wanted to have sex with me. So I told him that I wasn't going to have sex with me and then he tried to stab me with a knife.
Me: I'm sure that happened. Well, that's only one person.
Bernard: It's still disgusting
Me: The sun is coming out, maybe you should eat your ice cream outside

I think next week I will find a turban and wear it to work.

Godparents

There are lots of words with "parent" in them.
- Parent
- Parents
- apparent
- Godparent

Today, I am speaking on behalf of godparents. It's a big responsibility. Not many people know what is involved. Depending on your heritage, you may have different responsibilities or more responsibilities. One person learned that the hard way, and that person was a police officer. He became a godparent to a Mexican family. In accepting the offer he didn't know what was involved. $500 later he learned that being a godparent means buying a dress, throwing a party, and making sure to always remember the children's future birthdays. It's almost like having a child of your own. For some reason, unknown to me, I heard about this today. And then I got asked to be a godparent by a different officer. I said I wanted something in return because I don't need to be a parent just yet. Then he asked what I would like? Then I said, "free protection." As soon as he started laughing, I realized I probably should have come up with something else, like a uniform. And that's just why I am not ready to be a godparent yet.

Peace and Sake

Some people drink on the job. Others drink off the job. Some even drink before their jobs. I do all of the above but usually with caffeine instead of alcohol. I sometimes wish I could pour myself a mixed drink behind the counter and enjoy a little cocktail behind the counter. But then people might get their orders messed up, so I guess I will hold off on that for now.

I have a married couple who are customers of mine and it seems that almost ever day they are getting drinks after work together. I think it’s really cute. I’m also jealous at the same time because I want to do that. I told them the other day that next time, I’m coming with them for a drink no matter what (I’m sure they wanted an extra daughter). Today, they showed up with a little surprise for me! I was so excited because I love surprises and this surprise was in a backpack! When they unzipped it, inside were 2 bottles of sake. No, they didn’t give me the 2 bottles but they took 2 small cups and poured me some so I could try both. I flashed them a quick peace sign before they ran off, and began my taste test. It was pretty amazing. I knew one day this job would lead me to drinking.

Shoniqua on a diet Part II

Some of my new food obsessions consist of hot chocolate, pumpkin anything, and of course, as usual, nachos. I think Shoniqua also likes a bit of sugar. I think she has maybe lost 1 pound, or gained 2 pounds, I am not sure, because she keeps changing her hair which throws me off. Today she came in and I was expecting her to get some Kashi cereal again. She threw me for a loop and instead ordered herself the largest Italian Soda with cream and whip cream and a piece of pumpkin pie. At the point I figured she dropped her diet. As she was eating her pie she told me “Oh man, this is horrible for my diet. I really shouldn’t be eating this but it’s so good.” I had to laugh of course. But then she came back a few hours later, starving, and bought a banana. That’s a start Shoniqua. Nice work!

Muslims

Some people are very happy all the time. Some people are cynical and pessimistic. I put those two together mostly because I get to meet more of those people on a daily basis. There is a man who comes in a few times a week, and it’s the same thing every time. He loves to complain. Mostly about how people don’t like him and how people are rude. Apparently he’s never looked in the mirror, but perhaps I should bring one to work next time. He always wears a green stocking hat, these oval glasses, and has really bad teeth. We’ll call him Chaz, mostly because I don’t like that name.

Chaz thinks that I am Italian. I let it go the first couple of times but after week 2 I realized that I should probably tell him that I’m not Italian so he can stop making Italian comments to me. I told him that I was Middle Eastern (big mistake) and immediately he assumed I was Muslim. I told him no, I wasn’t, but he kept telling me how Muslim people are the nicest people. Also Buddhist people. Then he ended by saying that he met a person with a Turban once.