Hot Dogs

A man walked in and requested a hot dog. When I told him I didn't have any he asked me for something similar. Instead of being a smart-ass I decided to be nice and told him about the sandwich options and also about yogurt and granola. I thought he would love the yogurt and granola option because it probably has half the calories of a hot dog and he was looking like his pants were a little too tight. But he wasn't as excited as I was and so he left without anything. I shouted that we also had doughnuts but he was already gone.

Then 3 hours later I hit jackpot. A man walked in. A different man. We will call him Zorro because he can be similar to my hero. He told me he was in the hot dog business. (You might assume that I was talking to him about hot dogs but I wasn't, he just randomly told me this). Then I said lots of people really like hot dogs and ask me for them. He got very happy and then opened his wallet, gave me a $1 tip, then handed me his business card and wrote "good for one free dog" on the back. I said "Hot!" which could be interpreted in two ways. The first being in the way Paris Hilton says it, like it's really excellent. And the 2nd is that I wanted to be clear on "dog" so that I would be getting the food instead of an actual dog, although I would also like a real dog.

And to go back to the point. After waving around my free hot dog card victoriously, I wished that tight pants man could have been there to see this interaction. He would have been jealous. And then I could have told him "if you build it, it will come." And then he would know to build a hot dog stand.

Town Reject's Idol

Town Reject #1 came back today. She had her daughter with her again and also her guitar. Actually, it wasn't a guitar. I always assumed that. But then she told me it was a cello. But I think it's better to just refer to it as a guitar. I wonder if she knows I don't really like her that much. I think she doesn't really know because today she attempted to talk to me. She asked me quietly something. I had no idea what she said because she was across the room from me. So I went closer and she repeated it, but in a softer voice this time. So, of course, I had no idea what she said again. Finally the third time I realized that she was asking me about Susan Boyle the Britain's Got Talent singer. I'm not sure why she thought this would be a good conversation starter, but then again, she also carries around a cello. I also didn't know how to respond. But it turned out that was ok because as soon as I started talking she decided to start reading the newspaper and completely ignore me. But then 10 minutes later she changed her mind and told me that we really should have dairy free sorbet at the Caffe. I told her to go sing about it on her guitar.

Soapy Hands

I had an almost entirely normal day today, at least until the last five minutes. I love it when people come in and start speaking a different language to me. Mostly I think it's funny when it's Spanish because that I understand. Any other language and I either find it fascinating or offensive. Fascinating if it's Italian or French or Portuguese because those are romantic and I can usually guess what they are saying. Offensive if it's any other language because I generally have no idea what is being said and I am left to guess what they want to order or assume they are talking about me.

So today was lucky because the guy was speaking Spanish. So I responded in Spanish. Then he thought it was neat I spoke Spanish. I was holding a pair of tongs in one hand and a soapy, dirty sponge in the other. Then he tried to shake my hand. I showed him that my hands were full. He apparently didn't care. At least that is what he said. I told him that I cared and so it's ok that he doesn't shake my hand. But then he grabbed my sponge hand and kissed it. That was gross. Not so much for me because I think my hands were being protected by the soap and bleach, but his mouth was not. As he pulled his mouth away, he had some soap suds on his chin. That was quite amusing. Then I told him his soda was $20. He handed me a $10 and continued to look in his pocket for more. I said a pop could never be that much, I was only kidding. So I took a dollar from him and called it good. I thought he would leave. Then he asked me what there was to eat. So then I showed him everything and he said that I should pick out whatever I want and he will buy it for me. I don't think he understood the concept that I work at the Caffe and I can eat whatever I want anyway. So then instead he got an apple. Then he kissed my dirty hand one more time. I said that he's going to get brain damage from ingesting so much bleach and should probably stop all the hand kissing soon. And he responded with "you can't say that." I tried to say "yes I can" but he was gone before I could spit it out. Oh well.

Awkward Turtles

I really do love turtles. I don't think they are awkward at all. I mostly find them amusing. I especially love it when people resemble turtles. Then I like to imagine them falling on their backs and kicking their arms and legs around trying to get up. And also they have to wear big green sweatshirts.

Today there were 2 awkward turtle moments in the sense that I became like an awkward turtle, stuck on my back. But I was stuck behind a counter on my feet. Pretty close I think to what a turtle must feel in a trapped situation.

Shortie: Where are you from?
Me: Denver
Shortie: No, where are you from?
Me: I'm from Denver
Shortie: Where is that?
Me: It's in Colorado
Shortie: Okay, but really where are you from
Me: Denver. I think I know where I'm from
Shortie: But seriously, where?
Me: Syria
Shortie: I knew it! We are so close. I am Egyptian

Akward Turtle moment #2

Curlz: Hi
Me: Hi. How are you?
Curlz: Oh my god. My heart just stopped. I thought you were my ex-girlfriend for sure
Me: (awkwardly laugh) Good thing I am not. That would be horrible because I may have forgotten CPR
Curlz: You look just like my ex-girlfriend
Me: Ok
Curlz: Wow, you really threw me for a loop there
Me: Was that loop circular or oval?

What are you supposed to say to that anyway?

Making Rules

It was really sunny today and so I was a little bit sad that I had to work. Because everybody else got to play in the sun, I decided that I was allowed to be sassier than usual. So in honor of this, I made special rules. I changed the rules every hour to keep it more interesting. Some of these rules included but are not limited to:

1) No drinks for people wearing black shirts
2) Anybody who orders a sugar free drink has to give me an extra .50 cent tip
3) If you mention the word foam you owe me a $1
4) If you're taller than me you have to order a black coffee

Some people didn't get the rules so I explained it to them more specifically. Some people thought it was great. Some people thought I had had enough caffeine for one day. And then one person (who I decided needed to have a yogurt and granola because he had a farmers tan) called me a "little shit." I laughed at him because that was funny. Then I said I would rather be called that than "explosive diarrhea" and smiled. Then he thanked me for his yogurt (which was delicious I presume) and told me to behave myself. You bet I will!

SURPRISE!!!

Everybody knows how much I love surprises. I think they are the best. I also think it's best to call everything a surprise because that way it's more appealing. For example:

Customer: I would like a vanilla latte
Me: (make the drink and hand it to them) Surprise! I made you a mocha!
Customer: That's not what I ordered
Me: No, but it's better because it's a surprise
Customer: Oh, ok. Surprises ARE the best so therefore, so is this drink!

And that's exactly what I did today. I gave lots of people surprises. I think they really enjoyed that. I really enjoyed it too. I was smiling all day. At least I was until someone told me that I was "easily amused." Then I stopped.

Gym guy

I used to go to this specific gym. But then I stopped. Mostly because I just got harassed and also got suckered into personal training lessons. I met a fellow work-outer while I was there. He told me his fat story. I love those. He used to weigh 300 pounds but then he changed his life. He dropped half his size and measures in with 14% body fat, not to mention in amazing shape. I decided that with each pound he lost, he also lost 1 point of humility. And also each body fat percentage lost amounted in 1% less modesty. Now that's what I call a good trade-off. Also, lucky me that he picked me out of an entire gym to talk to. And today, to continue with my luck, he walked into the caffe. He was on a date. It was really awkward. Then he tried to show off in front of his date by handing me a $100 bill saying that was all he had. I smiled and told him I don't carry small bills, only miniature donuts. So I asked him if he would like 90 of them. He didn't find that amusing. Neither did his date. I was laughing so that's all that really matters.

Diseases

Today I heard and overheard some great things. Also it was a day full of misunderstandings, mostly people there were a lot of customers "not speaking English."

There was a couple first. The woman was of course wearing a fanny pack. Also a bandanna. And she had teeth the color of a storm cloud. He had a nice little beer belly and some missing teeth. He also was sporting a really awesome rat tail. I handed them their drinks and the woman stole the man's and took a little sip. Then she made a disgusted look and said, "I can't believe you drink that." Then he looked at her and said "Gross, woman. Don't touch my drink. You have diseases. I don't want your diseases." Then she said "You gave them to me you bastard." Then he looked at me and finally at her and "I don't know where you got all those from..." I didn't know whether to laugh or look horrified. I chose a combination of the both which in turn resulted in a constipated look. Not quite what i was going for but I guess I just need a little more practice.

Then an old man came in. He was really old. But still cute, in a grandpa sort of way. And then he shouted "If I had more time, I would ask you to marry me!" I don't know if he meant his ride was there or if he really didn't have much more time left on this earth. I would like to think his ride was there, but then again, I hope he doesn't come back and propose. But I guess it would be acceptable if he brought a really cool present with him. Then maybe I would marry him. But probably not.

Then I had this couple try to order ice cream. They were from Russia. They spoke minimal English. I speak no Russian. I guessed we were in trouble from the start. Mostly them because they probably weren't going to get what they wanted. That's the worst. You can't even complain because you can't say the complaining words in another language so you're just stuck. This is how the ordering went.

Russians: Ice Cream
Me: Ok. What flavor?
Russians: Ice Cream
Me: (pointing to the different bins and shrugging) what flavor?
Russians: (Point) coffee
Me: That is not coffee. Sorry
Russians: ice cream, coffee
Me: Sorry, no coffee. Chocolate? Vanilla?
Russians: coffee. ice cream
Me: NO
Russians: ice cream
Me: How about strawberry? (then I made up a cone of strawberry)
Russians: ice cream
Me: $2.70
Russians: (something in Russian)

I think that was pretty successful. They at least got ice cream which was 2/3 of what they wanted. I think that deserves a pat on the back.

Curves

When I say curves a lot of people think many different things. Some of these things are
- women's bodies
- race tracks
- hips
- arch of back
- what your finger does when you are saying "ta-ta" to someone

But this time when I say Curves, I am actually talking about the gym for women. I think they must teach a lot of things in that gym. I bet self-esteem is one of them. Also exercises. So a woman comes in wearing a Curves shirt. I assume she has just come from the gym so she was very good with her self-esteem. She obviously wanted to pass that along and called me a new name of endearment every few seconds. I've never been called "honey, gorgeous, cutie, cutie-pie, sweet heart, and little princess" in such a short span. I didn't quite know what terms to call her back since I haven't been to the gym, so I went with "silver stallion." I at least thought it was pretty good.

Exploding pop

When you get a pop you mostly expect to open it, hear the little fizz, and then drink it. But sometimes, unknowingly, the pop has been dropped, or someone shook it, or you're just lucky.

Newspaper man came in and started to talk. I tried to shake my head "No" at him from a distance so he would know not to come in. But he clearly didn't understand so he still came in. Then he got a pop. A coke to be exact. He just loves coke almost as much as he loves stocking caps. So he bought his coke. And then he shouted to me and also pointed. And I tried really hard to understand something, but I couldn't. So I just continued shaking my head. Then he left. Then he came back. And he then described through fake English but arm gestures that the pop had exploded on him and hit him right in the face. I said "well, at least now you can smell sweet, sweet like sugary candy." He thought that was funny. Then he gave me a free newspaper even though we sell them at the caffe.

And then I realized that Viking Festival was going on. Whoever invents these things is a genius. i would also like to invent a certain festival and have everybody dress up and look stupid. I think I will call my festival the Bad Mixture Festival. Mostly because I love mixtures in all forms, but it will be funny to see people all mixed up in a bad way.