Gifts

Today was the day of gifts. It wasn't exactly my birthday but I pretended it was. Nobody really knew that I was pretending but I secretly celebrated it in my head. In honor of my "birthday" I received some hand warmers. These warmers were from Panamanian Disguise. Normally I would love this gift because I'm always cold, but then Panamanian Disguise also called me his girlfriend at which I decided I didn't like receiving gifts from him. Fortunately, it was followed shortly thereafter by a bucket of popcorn from another customer. And I love popcorn so I was feeling pretty good. Then to finish off my day, I met a young man who had a similar background to myself. I was getting excited about this because I thought, hey, maybe this guy wants to be my friend. But then he asked if he could take me to coffee sometime. Newsflash sir Robin, I work in a coffee shop, don't really want to go to one for a date. But I still gave him my phone number.

Shoniqua and her new diet

I thought that Shoniqua was still involved with her diet. I am always confused by this because one day it's a diet, the next day she is giving up. I think today was one of those give up days because she came into the caffe a total of 3 times today. The first time was for a 20 oz. hot chocolate with extra whip cream and a cup of noodle. Diet Off. The 2nd time was for some apple slices. Diet back on. The third time was for a cobbler dessert bar. Diet back off. Then the final time she came back for one more cobbler dessert bar because the first one was so good. Diet still off. It's a good thing she can be so flexible. I wonder what tomorrow will hold?

The 4 cent tip

Everybody knows how much I love tips. I mean, who wouldn't? I think I would also really love a job that didn't have tips. A job that involves perhaps an office, salary, and normal hours. You can imagine how much I love it when people say "so you went to an ivy league college...and you're working here?" That usually is my favorite comment. Today a man said "God, I hope my son doesn't end up like you. I'm not paying for his college to end up working at a caffe." Thanks mister. He paid for his coffee with a credit card. There is a line for a tip. I saw that he put something on the tip line. I said a premature "thank you" and as he walked out he told me "good luck paying back those student loans." Then I looked at the tip line and he had given me a 0.04 tip. I hope his son doesn't end up working in a caffe, I hope he ends up there. Luckily I didn't have to feel bad for too long because the next guy in line wrote down his phone number and passed it to me across the counter. He then told me "if I really wanted to pay back those loans, to give him a call because he has a great job for me." I don't know why today everybody was so concerned about me and my education. Maybe tomorrow I will find an official sponsor for grad school.

Gerbils love to dig

When people are bored, they like to do different things. Some imagine night clubs they wish they owned. Some think about food they are going to make later. Some think about coffee or alcohol, and some think of animals. Perhaps I fall into a few of these categories, but more importantly, when I'm bored I like to picture people as animals. There are two who no matter what, always come up as the same animal. This animal I call "confused gerbil." Since there are 2 of them I will call them confused gerbil #1 and confused gerbil #2.

Confused Gerbil #1 is an older lady who no matter what the weather is, is seen wearing sweat pants and snow boots and carrying a suitcase. I have never bothered to ask where she is coming from or where she is going, mostly because I don't want to interrupt the conversation she is having with herself. I like to watch her, as she watches the wall or the window, sipping her coffee, and I think "hello there confused gerbil #1, would you like a wheel to play on while you wait for your ride?"

Confused Gerbil #2 is actually an employee in the area. He is a very fast talker, has been punched a few times in the face (true fact) and really enjoys repeating himself. His hair is usually cut into a pseudo-mullet and his favorite word to say is "sweet." The first time I saw him as Confused Gerbil #2 was when he started to talk to one of the mannequins in the caffe. They are actually not mannequins but rather paper cut outs of people in a life-size form. They don't look 3-D nor look like real people (unless it's extremely dark out). Today he was even more of a Confused Gerbil when he was ordering at the counter. Actually, he doesn't have to order because I know his drink, so, unfortunately for me, he stands there and talks at me. I was wearing a shirt that said "Joe, is that you?" in reference to coffee. He repeated my shirt then shouted, No, Joe, it's me, Confused Gerbil #2. Oh to be confused and also a gerbil.

the Cigarette Plan

I am not a very big fan of smoking. Sometimes it's ok, but not when a person starts to smell only like smoke and their teeth turn black. Then I find this habit a bit on the disgusting side of things. On the other hand, I have a plan. This plan involves cigarettes. Lots of people come into the caffe looking for cigarettes. Of course we don't sell them. I don't know a single caffe that would sell cigarettes unless you are in a caffe in Europe. So, I got to thinking, why don't I sell cigarettes on the side? I can store them in my apron and when someone asks me, I can hand them over a pack and say $10. Then I can also sell nicorette gum in case they want to kick this habit. I realized the importance of nicorette gum today when a lady came into the caffe in a horrible mood. She was very rude and scattered. I gave her a drink as fast as I could, then she "forgot" to tip me, and then knocked over all the straws and left them for me to pick up. I was on the verge of punching her in the face but she walked out of the caffe just in time. That's when I noticed she had dropped her nicorette gum on the counter. Must have forgotten to chew a piece today. And that's why I must always have a stock of nicorette gum. This experience taught me just how important that stuff is and how great my side business is going to do.

Tramp Stamp

Tattoos are a fascinating phenomenon. Sometimes they look good, but lots of times, I just don't really like them. I saw an old man without his shirt on and on his back was a tattoo of a naked lady sitting on a stool. It was also saggy. Then there are the Jersey Shore boys. They love the barbed wire and "tribal" tattoos. What does these tribal tattoos mean? I might ask someone. But nobody has an interesting answer. I usually get peace, love, faith, or justice. There is a special kind of tattoo. These tattoos are called tramp stamps. They are located on the lower back, usually on women, but I think men can be tramps too, just to make things equal.

Today I was wearing a shirt underneath a sweater. The sleeves look similar to tattoos. For the day, I pretended I had "sleeves" (as is the tattoo term). Bernard, an older man with children and a wife, walks in and says, "hey beautiful! I thought for a second you had tattoos all up your arms." I responded, "nope," it's just my shirt. Then he continued "so why do you have the tramp stamps on today?" To which I said "excuse me? tramp stamps?" Given his age, he didn't actually know what or where a tramp stamp is located. Definitely not on the arms. Sorry Bernard, though the wrist is said to be very sensual in Ancient Chinese culture. I thought he would stop. But he ended on one last big bang "so, do you have a tramp stamp?" Then I gave him my final line "Do your daughters have tramp stamps?" He quickly changed subjects to aggressive driving classes. Apparently his son got in trouble by the Police. I bet he was distracted by his sister's tramp stamp.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty isn't one of my favorite stories but I still enjoy it as if it were. Sometimes I look at people and envision what they would be as animals. And other times, I picture them as foods that have legs and arms and maybe dance. There is a man who is a bit bigger on top and has these tiny stick legs. I like to picture him as an egg on toothpicks. On a good day, I see him as a muffin with dancing legs. This is a good thing because I can't help but smile every time he passes the caffe (and doesn't come in). Today, however, he had a change of heart and decided to come in. Instead of sitting at a table with chairs, he wanted to try the counter with the stools. I hear a crash, and down goes the stool. I immediately thought "humpy dumpty had a great fall." I expected to see him on the ground, but luckily it was just the chair. Unfortunately for him, I now like to quietly sing about humpty dumpy's great fall. It's too bad I don't actually remember how the story goes, only the part where he falls, so I just repeat that over and over again. Maybe sometime I will give him a performance while standing on a table. I think this is a good idea.

Riding Horses

There are lots of people who can ride horses. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I can count the number of times I have been horse riding on one hand. I also don't really like taking care of horses. I had to clean up after a dog and almost puked so you can imagine my reaction to horses. You can also imagine my shock when a man asked me if I rode horses. I don't know how he would think that. I answered "no." Then he told me that I looked like I would be an equestrian. I wonder what the "equestrian look" is. I didn't have to think more than a few seconds before he told me that I stood like I rode horses. I must stand bow legged, which does not speak well for me. But then I also remembered that I had my legs crossed at the time, so maybe I ride horses sitting side saddle, and that's pretty cool. I can go for that.

As I was thinking about my future as a horseback rider, I apparently neglected a customer. She sat in the corner of the caffe shouting at me to put more whip cream on her drink. First off, her drink didn't come with whip cream. Secondly, she couldn't even come up to the counter to ask for more whip cream. Thirdly, she should be on the same wagon as the other customers and skip the whip cream since you can lose 40 lbs a year from not having it.

Massages

Another thing I love are massages. I can't get enough of them. Usually a massage for me consists of me leaning up against a chair or corner of a wall and trying to massage my muscles. This is the most discrete way to get a massage in a public place, in my opinion. It usually doesn't do that much but it's great to tell people, "oh yes, I just came from my massage." This is great because it is true and people won't question you and will assume you came from a spa. This gives you high-class. The way not to receive a massage is from a random stranger at the counter of a caffe when you are ordering your drink. Inappropriate. The "masseuse" looked like the crazy guy from the movie "The Wedding Singer." Then he told me that he could give me one too. Inappropriate. For the next 5 minutes I watched them animatedly talk about massages. I prefer my wall corner.

Hot Dog

Judy has shifted her purchasing recently. Instead of a cookie with her coffee she now likes to buy hot dogs. Most people buy just one hot dog to eat for lunch. Judy, however, buys 2 hot dogs. One for now, the other for later. I am not sure why she wouldn't just come back when she wanted another one, so she can have it fresh, but I guess she LOVES the microwave. I will admit, microwaving is fun, but not that fun. Also, I don't think she should be eating 2 hot dogs a day. Seems like a bit of an unbalance. The good thing about this, however, is that I had more time to try to see what is in her rolly suitcase. I kept looking over the counter to try to see, but I still have no idea what she carries in there. I am so curious. I am going to pretend she has a cat in there and lots of lipstick. That seems reasonable.