If you can't lose em...

You might as well join them. Today was the last of the Hawaii days. In honor of this, I decided to celebrate. I decided to celebrate by joining them in their Hawaiin activities. This consisted of me getting lots of leis. By the end of the night, I had on 5. And I must admit, it felt pretty good.

Yelling

If there's one thing that I hate, it's getting yelled at. I used to get super embarrassed when I was younger, but now, being all grown up, I just get mad. Unless I've done something totally and utterly wrong, I don't think shouting at me is a good approach to get something done.

I had a male customer today who must have thought I was deaf when he walked in because the entire time he was in the caffe, he proceeded to yell at me. First he yelled out his order. Then he yelled for me to bring him napkins. Then he yelled at me because he couldn't find something. The last straw came when he yelled at me to turn off the music because he needed to make a business call. I gave him my meanest look to which he responded "I'm not trying to be a bother..."

Well, sir, you are. You are being a huge bother. I wish I could have thrown him to the ground. That would have taught him a lesson.

Therapy

It's always the people who need therapy the most, who have no idea they are crazy. I see these sorts of people all the time. Sometimes I interact with them multiple times a day. There is a lady who comes in a few times a week. She has a very high-pitched voice and likes to laugh a lot instead of ordering her drink. At first I thought she was always just nervous, but then I soon realized that, no, it's just how she is.

Each time she comes in, she tells me something she's doing. After 2 weeks, it started to seem like this lady had 5 different jobs. I have no idea how she would be able to operate such a schedule if she was also a college professor, as she claimed to be. It soon came out that besides being a professor, she also works at the Goodwill, is also a student, and also teaches at another college. Besides the multitude of jobs, she is married. Instead of an actual wedding ring, every year her "hubby" gets her a new ring from a vending machine.

Today she told me how she went into a counselors office at her college to talk to someone about a job search. (If she already had 5, I am not sure why this was needed). So the counselor apparently handed her a list of therapists instead. She then proceeded to show me the list, then laugh, and say "I'm not crazy!" I laughed back, because I think she is crazy. But then she looked at me with sad eyes and repeated, "I'm not crazy, right?" I felt bad, lied and said "of course not," to which she replied, totally relieved, "it must be my newly dyed pink hair. It doesn't look fake does it?" To this, unfortunately, I had no response.

High Fives

There are lots of things in life which call for "Congratulations." Some of these things might include, but are not limited to:

- Graduating from school
- Winning an event
- Getting married
- Receiving a promotion
- Getting the day off from work


There are also lots of different ways to give congratulations. Most commonly one will say "congratulations." Other times it comes in the form of a card, money, or balloons. Sometimes, it will come as a high-five.

Today, a man high-fived me, not once, not twice, but three different times. Not for anything I did, but because his wife was getting a boob job. Why I needed to know that, I have no idea. Why he was celebrating with me, I also have no idea. Whey he was drunk at a caffe instead of with his wife, again, I have no idea.

What a day.

Judy's Diet

Like Shoniqua, Judy has now officially started a diet. "My pants are getting tight," she informed me. What I didn't say was "Actually Judy, your pants are always tight." Instead, I responded "that always happens to me around the holidays as well. I say, eat what you want, just do a bit of exercise." But Judy and exercise don't go together. It gives her a headache. Well, then Judy, I guess I can't really help you out on that one. But you should have known that would happen when I guess every day you have 3 large lattes, 2 hot dogs, a cookie, and a cobbler bar. She decided to cut out the cookie. Hey, that's a start!

Work Ethic

Despite my efforts to lower Confused Gerbil #2's caffeine intake, I think someone else is undermining my power. He seems to continuously come into the caffe acting more and more hyped up. Though he generally talks about boxing, drugs, or ladies. This time to my surprise, it was something else. Much appreciated Confused Gerbil #2. Confused Gerbil #2 took up the topic of work ethic and endurance. These two attributes are very important. He has both, he told me.
CG2: Young people these days don't have worth ethic
Me: Yeah, I don't know. I think it depends on how your parents raised you
CG2: In my boxing days, I was traveling all over. I was offered so many drugs. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think drugs are good, but I used to do them and drink. I've been sober for 25 years now.
Me: Congratulations. I am proud of you. (now, what that has to do with work ethic, I don't know)
CG2: I digress. Excuse me. Back in my boxing days, you know, I worked hard. I was a fighter. People just want money without working
Me: Yeah...
CG2: But you, you're so fine, with people in line, making things rhyme, in my time, coffee so fine...
Me: (oh no, and here we go again)
CG2: But you have great work ethic. And lots of endurance.
Me: Thanks Confused Gerbil #2.

And once again he kills me with the compliments.

Oy Vey!

There are many expressions one can use to express emotion or amazement. In a conversation, generally speaking, someone will vary their expressions. Instead of saying, "wow" after every sentence, they will say "wow" or "cool," "very neat," and maybe even "awesome." Today, a lady came in who has never heard this concept before, because after every 5 words, she would say "oy vey!" It was amusing to me at first, but then it stopped being amusing, especially when certain things didn't call for an "oy vey" at the end. I wanted to ask her where she learned this trick, but I was afraid the answer would have consisted of "oy vey" being repeated twenty times over.

To make this day even more remarkable on the repeating front, Confused Gerbil #2 was back. He had a coffee before coming in, so I knew I was in for some fun. He repeated the same rhyme from last time, told me about his boxing days...AGAIN, and then stood at the end of counter telling me I should receive a standing applause because I am so great. I would've been annoyed if it weren't for the last comment, so maybe I should start giving him extra caffeine. After all, who doesn't love a compliment?

Split Shots

Sometimes caffeine can be a good thing. Other times, caffeine isn't so great. I like to think it's only one-sided for me, and that is that it's always great. Without caffeine I am clumsy, not very nice, and not as good at multi-tasking. But it's amazing what a few shots of espresso can do. I think for other people, like my customers, it might seem like I shouldn't have as much caffeine as I normally do, but that's beside the point.

Confused Gerbil #2 is a special case where caffeine isn't the best idea for him. Maybe it was all those years boxing, or the drugs, but the caffeine makes him crazy. He starts to talk to paper cut-outs of people, shouts, and recites "poetry" to anybody who is in his near vicinity. Unfortunately, that person usually is me, and as much as I love hearing things that rhyme with "fine," it gets old after about 30 seconds. Today, I decided to take matters into my own hands and gave him part decaf, part regular. I consider myself doing everybody a favor, unless he falls asleep at work, and then I will confess to my wrongdoing.

Peaceful creatures

When someone says Native American, different words come to mind. Some of these words are:

- dream catchers
- peace
- fireworks
- casinos
- Indian Reservations
- Feathers

Fighting and drunk, however, are two words that don't come to my mind. When I looked out the window the other day I saw a group of Native Americans fighting. They were all shouting incoherently at each other and looked like they were fighting. Then I realized they were drunk. Then they started hugging each other. Then it looked like they were fighting again, but maybe it was something I didn't understand. At least they almost had a balance between fighting and hugging. That has to count for something right?

Sugar

Jabron likes to try to "steal some sugar" as he calls it. I wish he were talking about real sugar, or brown sugar, or any kind of sugar that one can bake with. But he is referring to a different kind of sugar. This is a normal conversation held between a girl and Jabron








Jabron: Hey baby. I miss you
Female: Hey
Jabron: Miss you
Female: Yup
Jabron: Miss you
Female: Miss you too
Jabron: Now give me some sugar
Female: no
Jabron: Miss you

and this can go on for another 5 minutes. Today I was carrying supplies. My arms were full and I could barely see over the pile of cups I was holding. That's when Jabron approached without my noticing. Then he came over and kissed me on the cheek. I was so startled and horrified at the same time that I dropped everything in my hands. And that's when he spurted out his signature comment "I stole me some sugar!"

I guess I must have told people that I would be handing out free sugar all day because later, Panamanian Disguise came and tried to take some away from me too. He wanted it in the form of a wave and blown kiss. Unfortunately, (for a random passerby) he was waving so frantically that he knocked a girl in the face. No sugar for you Panama.

Mission Accomplished

As you've heard me before, I like to complain a bit about Hawaiian day. They just keep coming back. They are like an annoying dog that won't go away, maybe one can put them in the same category as SoyJoys. This time, however, it was much better. These people didn't' take their job overly seriously and so instead of playing for 4 hours straight, took a few breaks. I was feeling so happy and excited about Hawaii that I almost didn't notice Silver Fox walk in. Luckily I came too right in time.


SF: So you're still here?
Me: Of course! Just waiting for you
SF: Does your father know you talk like that
Me: Yes, that's why he pays me so much. I just rake in the customers
SF: You are nuts
Me: (only for you)
SF: So I see you got a lei
Me: Yes I did. It's a special one too. Inside a flower was a ticket for a free trip to Hawaii
SF: No kidding
Me: Yup. I can go with 5 friends
SF: So when are you leaving
Me: Tomorrow morning
SF: Oh really
Me: Yes. I am getting picked up in the morning by my private plane.
SF: So is that all part of the deal?
Me: Yes
SF: So are you just going by yourself
Me: No, you are going too. Have to meet here at the caffe at 6am though, then we will catch our limo to the private plane

And then he smiled at me, told me he would be there at 6am sharp, and the old man in line behind him said he would be there too. Now that's what I call Mission accomplished

Divorce

I don't really know much about divorce. I know that you have to file papers. I also know that divorce means you become separated from someone you were previously with. Other than that, I don't know anything else. Well, I guess I also know that it starts with the letter D and ends with an E.

Short man enters...

Shorty: I just saved a lot of money today
Me: That's great. I love it when that happens
Shorty: Yeah I saved $280 dollars
Me: Wow that's a lot of money. How did you do that?
Shorty: I filed for divorce!
Me: That's all you got?
Shorty: No, that was how much the paperwork cost.
Me: ummm, ok
Shorty: But I don't make enough to pay that, so I saw the judge
Me: Fancy
Shorty: Then I explained how I don't make any money and he stamped my papers saying I don't have to pay the divorce application fee
Me: Almost like college. So what would you like? Something to celebrate?
Shorty: a tea. Do you have chai?
Me: Would you like a chai tea latte?
Shorty: No. I want the cheap tea. The kind that comes in a bag

And that's the thing about divorce. It usually costs $280 but sometimes it's free.

Audio Books

I think bus drivers are very interesting.

First, they can drive a bus.
Second, they deal with more crazies than I do on a daily basis.
Third, they get to speak through a microphone.
Four, they tend to be crazy themselves.

Then there is Fred, formerly a rock star musician, now a bus driver. For the longest time he referred to me as the Italian. No matter how many times I would tell him I wasn't Italian, he still continued to begin every single order with "Ciao Bella." Maybe from all his days as a rock star, his hearing has gone and he wasn't ignoring me, but rather, couldn't hear me tell him I wasn't Italian.

Today he started talking in a Scottish accent. I know for a fact he is not Scottish nor does he have an accent. Naturally, I ask why today he has an accent.

Fred: Oh Darling. It's because I have just written a novel
Me: Wow, that's impressive. So is this your way to advertise your book?
Fred: It's actually an audio book.
Me: Ok. And the accent is for...?
Fred: I am going to be reading the book, so I have to practice my accent
Me: I don't think you need a Scottish accent to read a book
Fred: Oh Darling...It's for one of the characters. I have to speak like a Scottish man during the day if I want the character to come to life.
Me: That makes sense. Of course.
Fred: I heard that if you practice enough, then it comes naturally. I don't want to be making any mistakes while speaking in the microphone
Me: So, what's your book about?
Fred: It's actually part of a trilogy. Science Fiction. I don't mean to brag but it's going to be as great as Star Wars.

Unless all the characters have accents, I know I won't be listening to his book on tape.

Selling

There are lots of things someone can sell.

- phone cards
- cakes
- candy bars
- Clothes
- coffee




Usually when I am working, I am the one selling things. I try to sell lots of things using my good sales techniques. Today, however, someone came in trying to sell something to me. This something was a box of batteries.

Vendor: You want to buy some batteries?
Me: No thanks
Vendor: But they're batteries
Me: Yes they are
Vendor: So you wanna buy them then?
Me: No. I don't need batteries
Vendor: yes you do
Me: Do you want to buy some coffee?
Vendor: No
Me: Why not?
Vendor: Batteries
Me: You don't need batteries when you have coffee

And then he walked away. I almost had him

Fake Tans

Tanning is an interesting concept. It's ok when it's real, but when it's fake, then it's pretty ugly. I saw the fakest tanned lady in my life. She was also in her 50s. I wanted to talk to her about her health but then got distracted by somebody calling out my name. I looked up to see who this could possibly be and was shocked to see Goldteeth. He has returned. This is why I should own a motorcycle. Then I could join a motorcycle gang, look tough, and wear a cool leather jacket with my name on the back, and be able to hop on my bike and leave whenever Goldteeth is in a nearby vicinity.

Hi Drunky

Unannounced to me, today was another day celebrating Hawaii. I like Hawaii. I want to go there. I just don't want to listen to the same Hawaiian music on repeat for 4 hours. I should have taken this as a sign that today was going to be an "interesting" day but I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt.

First entered a man who smelled horrible. He wanted a coffee so I got it ready for him. When I tried to get his money, it looked as if he was stuck trying to count. I waited. Then I waited some more. Then I thought he had fallen asleep, so I took the bills for him. When began to tip over at the counter, I realized that no, he doesn't have a sleeping problem, he is just drunk. Then I imagined the conversation I would have with him.

Me: Hey there buddy. Thirsty?
Drunk: Heya. Really thirsty. Give me a brewsky
Me: I don't serve those here. But I wish I did. I would have one too
Drunk: Oh don't worry, I have a couple in my pocket
Me: Perfect
Drunk: Do you have a bottle opener?
Me: No, only a can opener
Drunk: That's ok. I can use my teeth
Me: Wow, what a man.
Drunk: I've had practice.

And I couldn't even think of the rest of the conversation because I was interrupted by his presence a 2nd time. And this time he had poo smeared on his face.

Breaking Diets

There is a younger, military man who comes in almost every single day. I like to secretly call him Sven. He usually gets the same thing. For the first month, every single day he came in to buy a yogurt parfait. Then the 2nd month, he started to add in a bottle of water. At 3 months, he threw in a banana too. Recently, he's started to show up sweaty and also in a t-shirt. I couldn't quite figure out how this could be. I was always freezing in 5 shirts and a sweatshirt.

Me: I'm impressed with your ability to wear short sleeves in such weather.
Sven: Yes. It's because I have started to work out
Me: Oh that's great. I guess working out will make you hot
Sven: I've started to run, getting myself into shape
Me: I think it's an excellent plan
Sven: It's hard to run with my backpack. Especially with my computer
Me: Yes, I would agree
Sven: I'm also trying to eat healthier. It's my New Years resolution
Me: I always forget to make those. I think you're doing a great job on eating healthier.
Sven: Thanks. I feel good.
Me: When you get a 6-pack, let me know. I'll tell you my evaluation of it.

5 minutes later...

Me: Hey Sven, do you want to try a little bit of a milkshake
Sven: Sure
Me: Do you like coffee though?
Sven: Not really. (after a comment like that, how he first decided to come into the caffe, I have no idea)
Me: Well, it's an espresso milkshake but it's not that strong
Sven: Wow, this is delicious

Then the next day guess who ordered an espresso milkshake instead of the usual banana and yogurt? Oops. And he got it with whipped cream.

Speaking of breaking diets, poor Shoniqua hasn't been able to keep hers for even a day. Those damn cobbler bars.

Missing Teeth

I wish I didn't have to deal with a lot of crazy people on a daily basis, but unfortunately, I do. These crazy people today didn't have front teeth. They also liked to sing at the counter, and no, they didn't have good voices. And then I had to kick out two people. I felt bad at first but not when they started asking all my customers for their money.

Judy's Big Day

Big Day can mean lots of things. Big Day can mean

- win the lottery
- Land a new job
- Have a baby
- find a boyfriend (or girlfriend)
- win at a circus game

But for Judy, big day means something totally different. For Judy big day means

- She purchased 3 egg nog lattes
- She also purchased 2 hot dogs
- She did it all with lipstick on her teeth

Congratulations Judy.

Accomplishments

Today was a day of accomplishments.

1) Humpty Dumpty came in and bought his very first coffee. Though it was the smallest cup of coffee ever, he made an actual effort to become a customer. Then he called me "Dear." I let it go the first time. But then he called me "dear" 4 more times. Excuse me Humpty Dumpty but the word "dear" should be reserved for your little bicycle pants.

2) Confused Gerbil #2 professed another accomplishment to me today. I learned that he was married multiple times. Usually bigger numbers means more accomplishments, but sometimes it can mean the opposite. For example, the more times you have been married doesn't count. But then again, weddings are fun. Confused Gerbil wanted to talk about multiple marriages, I assume, because he brought it up without me asking. He professed "third time's a charm," but then immediately took that back because now he's on his 4th wife. And I guess he never really did write poetry, he just spoke at funerals, and sometimes he rhymed.

3) Judy bought her largest amount of Egg Nog lattes at one time. She purchased three 20 oz lattes then stood at the counter while I helped the next customer. The next customer was a man. After he left, she told me to be careful, because men are scary. Right Judy. The scariest kind of man is one who orders a double Irish cream latte.

New Year Celebrations

Most people have New Years Day off from work. I, fortunately, got to work. I didn't mind too much because people were very thankful for having me be there and therefore were extra nice. The nicest customers of the day were the ones who were still drunk. Three guys showed up and at first they looked hungover from the previous evening's activities, but within a few seconds, I realized they were actually just still drunk. They let me select all their beverages and then the just kept throwing more money in my tip jar. I wish everybody was drunk all the time every day.