Scone = Rock? Gums = Hard?

Homeless #2 came in to visit me today. I was almost honored. He even brought in a friend! Then he showed me how he stole a piece of wood from Jimmi Hendrix's house before they tear it down. I hope he doesn't try to sell that on e-bay because it just looks like a regular piece of wood. And it probably also is a regular piece of wood.

Homeless #3 (let's call him that) is new. He decided to come in and try to get money. Apparently the scone he ate in the morning was like a rock. I wanted to tell him that maybe that's because he has no teeth to chew it, but I just thought that in my head. I wrote him a coupon for a free scone in a flavor that we don't have (but in the flavor which he "bought"). I think that's pretty amusing. I did always want to write a free coupon for something. I think that's even better than my signs for "Imaginary" things.

I tried to sell someone a sign that said "Imaginary Mom" on it. I even added a word bubble that said "Do your homework!" For some reason, nobody wanted it.

Diets

Today I was blessed with a great scene here at the caffe. A man was trying to open the door to come in and he made it about half-way, then suddenly fell over backward! I turned to see and he was sprawled out on the floor. I think he got too excited about the delicious smell of coffee and probably my smile that he stumbled backward.

So I waited until he left to chuckle and then this overweight lady came in and talked to me about her diet. Of course I gave her my sincerest "interested" face like that is what I wanted to hear. This, however, keeps happening to me. Everybody wants to talk to me about their weight. I wonder if people think that I was in one of those commercials for Jenny Craig.
So after talking about her diet and needing to lose weight she orders a 20 oz. white mocha and a croissant. Maybe she forgot to mention that she was starting her diet tomorrow...

Peanut Butter and Swiss Cheese

A lady walks in and immediately shouts: "I need a toasted bagel with peanut butter and swiss cheese!" I am initially shocked by this since I didn't even have time to ask her what she wanted. Then upon seeing my face she says "I know it sounds weird, but it's delicious." And then things go downhill from there when I inform her that we don't have either of those ingredients, since I am a coffee shop, not a sandwich shop. Oops

The games people play

People love to play games when coming to the caffe. The most popular one is to guess my ethnicity. I am not sure why this is so popular but it is. So far I am Italian, Greek, Spanish, Egyptian, Persian, Guatemalan, and Colombian. After they guess, I always tell them what I really am. But no matter what, they always go back to what they thought in the first place and talk to me about it. One guy still thinks I am Italian and so always greets with me with "Ciao Bella!" I have given up saying I am not Italian. I figure if I learn a couple vocab words of the corresponding languages from those countries, then people might tip more since that IS my main concern.

They also enjoy making jokes that only they think are funny.

And they like to see if they can trick me into giving them something where they dont' have to pay. Like a 12 oz coffee but in a 20 oz. cup so they can fill it up with steamed 1/2 & 1/2. Well my friend, I am not stupid, and that is called a latte, a breve one.

My favorite was when someone asked me for an americano but instead of water, use milk. Almost a good attempt.

And also people like to try to steal my tips. That is probably my favorite game. I really love that game when rich women with Coach bags take out the change to pay for their drinks.

Boyfriend

I decided that my boyfriend should order black coffee or an americano. That is acceptable. And he should also tip well. I'm still looking

the people I wish I would meet

1) Hot attractive men who tip generously

2) my future boyfriend

3) Attractive foreigners (who still know how to tip) and want to invite me to visit their country

4) Nice women who don't complain about being fat (maybe don't drink large white mochas...)

5) People who want to be my friend, and only my friend

6) Good tippers

7) Amazing tippers

8) Someone famous, and preferably attractive

9) Cristiano Ronaldo

10) Someone who wants to make me famous (but in a good way, not creepy)

The People you meet

1) Homeless people (who think they are your friend). One lady comes in every so often to update me on her life. I recently learned she has an acid reflux problem and what happens when she drinks too much coffee. I think if she probably stopped doing so much cocaine that problem would stop, but who am I to tell her this. Plus, her stick-on electric blue nails scare me.

2) The man who had the first successful airline, invented the colored $5 bills, single-handedly operated the railroads across the country, and also did all the engineering requested by the government (until they cut him out). Now he just carries around a fanny pack and a magic stick that he follows. He swings it around and wherever it points, he follows. I always pray it doesn't point into the caffe, but I'm still waiting for those prayers to be answered. What a guy huh?

3) Escaped hospital patients running around with their gowns open. Usually not a pretty sight. But very entertaining to see them with their IV poles as well.

4) Lots of creepy people who like to make sexual jokes with you.

5) Older woman who told me of her husband's farting problems when he drinks latte's. She still ordered him one but complained to me for the next five minutes how she was going to have to carry around febreeze for the rest of the day.

Drinks that don't work

Because I am a coffee snob, when people order wrong, it makes me mad. It mostly makes me mad because they walk in like they know coffee (which they don't) and then order something that makes no sense and keep repeating it when I give them my confused face look. So these are some of the best

Coffee Mocha: Do you want a coffee, a mocha, or a coffee with chocolate? You have to pick
Mocha Latte: Pick again, one or the other
Double Tall Nonfat Latte with soy: So you want me to make you a nonfat latte topped with soy?
dopio macchiato, 16 oz.: A macchiato is 2 shots of espresso, there is no possible way to make that 16 oz, unless you add that much cream, which you shouldn't, because that's gross.

Ordering + I-pods

Today a lady decided to order her drink with her i-pod still in. I understand having the headphones but to have music at the same time doesn't quite make sense.

She must have forgotten because she starts to shout out what she wants. I then ask her if she wants whip cream (which she doesn't hear). So I ask her again, she still can't hear. So then I shout and she shouts back. Then she turns to the customer in line behind her and shouts to her: "It' so hard to hear with headphones in!"

And that is why I am so lucky. Not everybody gets to see that on a daily basis.

Everything's better with meat

I work in an area where there are lots of other shops. Similar to a food court. Even though each shop is set up differently and has their own sign, people always seem to confuse one shop for another.
I usually get someone trying to order a hot dog from me. I am not sure why that's always the case, but it is. And when I say I am a caffe, they want to know if I have anything comprable to a hot dog. That is when I take out a piece of paper, draw up a hamburger and sell it to them for $3. I thought it was a steal. You can't find a burger for that cheap anywhere. But some people just don't get it. ;(
But then this got me thinking, we should have something meat flavored. We could be the First and Only caffe to ever have that. So I am thinking

- Burger Latte (Just like a hamburger, but with milk!)
- Pork Mocha (Like a peppermint Mocha but different!)
- Chicken cacciatore gelato (Made with real peppers)

I don't know about you, but I think it's going to be a hit