Scone = Rock? Gums = Hard?

Homeless #2 came in to visit me today. I was almost honored. He even brought in a friend! Then he showed me how he stole a piece of wood from Jimmi Hendrix's house before they tear it down. I hope he doesn't try to sell that on e-bay because it just looks like a regular piece of wood. And it probably also is a regular piece of wood.

Homeless #3 (let's call him that) is new. He decided to come in and try to get money. Apparently the scone he ate in the morning was like a rock. I wanted to tell him that maybe that's because he has no teeth to chew it, but I just thought that in my head. I wrote him a coupon for a free scone in a flavor that we don't have (but in the flavor which he "bought"). I think that's pretty amusing. I did always want to write a free coupon for something. I think that's even better than my signs for "Imaginary" things.

I tried to sell someone a sign that said "Imaginary Mom" on it. I even added a word bubble that said "Do your homework!" For some reason, nobody wanted it.

Diets

Today I was blessed with a great scene here at the caffe. A man was trying to open the door to come in and he made it about half-way, then suddenly fell over backward! I turned to see and he was sprawled out on the floor. I think he got too excited about the delicious smell of coffee and probably my smile that he stumbled backward.

So I waited until he left to chuckle and then this overweight lady came in and talked to me about her diet. Of course I gave her my sincerest "interested" face like that is what I wanted to hear. This, however, keeps happening to me. Everybody wants to talk to me about their weight. I wonder if people think that I was in one of those commercials for Jenny Craig.
So after talking about her diet and needing to lose weight she orders a 20 oz. white mocha and a croissant. Maybe she forgot to mention that she was starting her diet tomorrow...

Peanut Butter and Swiss Cheese

A lady walks in and immediately shouts: "I need a toasted bagel with peanut butter and swiss cheese!" I am initially shocked by this since I didn't even have time to ask her what she wanted. Then upon seeing my face she says "I know it sounds weird, but it's delicious." And then things go downhill from there when I inform her that we don't have either of those ingredients, since I am a coffee shop, not a sandwich shop. Oops

The games people play

People love to play games when coming to the caffe. The most popular one is to guess my ethnicity. I am not sure why this is so popular but it is. So far I am Italian, Greek, Spanish, Egyptian, Persian, Guatemalan, and Colombian. After they guess, I always tell them what I really am. But no matter what, they always go back to what they thought in the first place and talk to me about it. One guy still thinks I am Italian and so always greets with me with "Ciao Bella!" I have given up saying I am not Italian. I figure if I learn a couple vocab words of the corresponding languages from those countries, then people might tip more since that IS my main concern.

They also enjoy making jokes that only they think are funny.

And they like to see if they can trick me into giving them something where they dont' have to pay. Like a 12 oz coffee but in a 20 oz. cup so they can fill it up with steamed 1/2 & 1/2. Well my friend, I am not stupid, and that is called a latte, a breve one.

My favorite was when someone asked me for an americano but instead of water, use milk. Almost a good attempt.

And also people like to try to steal my tips. That is probably my favorite game. I really love that game when rich women with Coach bags take out the change to pay for their drinks.

Boyfriend

I decided that my boyfriend should order black coffee or an americano. That is acceptable. And he should also tip well. I'm still looking

the people I wish I would meet

1) Hot attractive men who tip generously

2) my future boyfriend

3) Attractive foreigners (who still know how to tip) and want to invite me to visit their country

4) Nice women who don't complain about being fat (maybe don't drink large white mochas...)

5) People who want to be my friend, and only my friend

6) Good tippers

7) Amazing tippers

8) Someone famous, and preferably attractive

9) Cristiano Ronaldo

10) Someone who wants to make me famous (but in a good way, not creepy)

The People you meet

1) Homeless people (who think they are your friend). One lady comes in every so often to update me on her life. I recently learned she has an acid reflux problem and what happens when she drinks too much coffee. I think if she probably stopped doing so much cocaine that problem would stop, but who am I to tell her this. Plus, her stick-on electric blue nails scare me.

2) The man who had the first successful airline, invented the colored $5 bills, single-handedly operated the railroads across the country, and also did all the engineering requested by the government (until they cut him out). Now he just carries around a fanny pack and a magic stick that he follows. He swings it around and wherever it points, he follows. I always pray it doesn't point into the caffe, but I'm still waiting for those prayers to be answered. What a guy huh?

3) Escaped hospital patients running around with their gowns open. Usually not a pretty sight. But very entertaining to see them with their IV poles as well.

4) Lots of creepy people who like to make sexual jokes with you.

5) Older woman who told me of her husband's farting problems when he drinks latte's. She still ordered him one but complained to me for the next five minutes how she was going to have to carry around febreeze for the rest of the day.

Drinks that don't work

Because I am a coffee snob, when people order wrong, it makes me mad. It mostly makes me mad because they walk in like they know coffee (which they don't) and then order something that makes no sense and keep repeating it when I give them my confused face look. So these are some of the best

Coffee Mocha: Do you want a coffee, a mocha, or a coffee with chocolate? You have to pick
Mocha Latte: Pick again, one or the other
Double Tall Nonfat Latte with soy: So you want me to make you a nonfat latte topped with soy?
dopio macchiato, 16 oz.: A macchiato is 2 shots of espresso, there is no possible way to make that 16 oz, unless you add that much cream, which you shouldn't, because that's gross.

Ordering + I-pods

Today a lady decided to order her drink with her i-pod still in. I understand having the headphones but to have music at the same time doesn't quite make sense.

She must have forgotten because she starts to shout out what she wants. I then ask her if she wants whip cream (which she doesn't hear). So I ask her again, she still can't hear. So then I shout and she shouts back. Then she turns to the customer in line behind her and shouts to her: "It' so hard to hear with headphones in!"

And that is why I am so lucky. Not everybody gets to see that on a daily basis.

Everything's better with meat

I work in an area where there are lots of other shops. Similar to a food court. Even though each shop is set up differently and has their own sign, people always seem to confuse one shop for another.
I usually get someone trying to order a hot dog from me. I am not sure why that's always the case, but it is. And when I say I am a caffe, they want to know if I have anything comprable to a hot dog. That is when I take out a piece of paper, draw up a hamburger and sell it to them for $3. I thought it was a steal. You can't find a burger for that cheap anywhere. But some people just don't get it. ;(
But then this got me thinking, we should have something meat flavored. We could be the First and Only caffe to ever have that. So I am thinking

- Burger Latte (Just like a hamburger, but with milk!)
- Pork Mocha (Like a peppermint Mocha but different!)
- Chicken cacciatore gelato (Made with real peppers)

I don't know about you, but I think it's going to be a hit

Twighlight

Going to work was pretty great today. Sometimes I enjoy putting in my i-pod but the conversations are so good on the public transportation that it’s a shame to miss out. So, I at least keep to myself but always enjoy listening. So I sat down in front of this other kid. He looks about 20. Instead of moving, he decides to shout across the bus to talk to a couple a few seats away. This couple has a baby. The baby is 2. The kid goes, 2 months or 2 years old? Apparently he’s never seen a baby before. This guy also decides to pride himself on the fact that he’s been in jail already 3 times. Maybe I am missing something, but that doesn’t seem like anything to brag about. So, I am “reading” my book when I hear “Hey! What are you reading?” I secretly hope he’s talking to somebody else but I look around and sure enough he’s staring straight at me. So I show him my book, he goes back to talking about how he’s going into the city to jack a friends car who owes him money. And then he looks at me again and says, “I am reading a book right now too. You know, Twilight.”

Irish Spring

I was hoping that today would be a good day. But then Irish Spring came back. He’s the homeless man who gave me a bar of soap as a present. I was hoping he would have forgotten about me, but unfortunately, he did not. Instead he honored me with his presence for a good 2 hours and tried to drink the cream straight from the pitcher when I wasn’t looking. We talked about healthcare, and then he talked about how America sucks, Americans suck, and his kids (but how they don’t suck). I listened half way except I couldn’t get past his hair and also his smell. He had the strangest version of a mullet I have ever seen. Military short in front and then longer in the back, but parted down the middle and combed straight to the sides. I like to call it the fallen bird, spread winged

#1 Barista

Today I have decided that I should be the #1 employee. I think that the customers will really enjoy that, and probably also my co-workers. I will tell them that every month there can be a #1 employee and it will be a good motivation tool. But I think it will be an even better idea to just make sure I am always the #1 employee.
So, in honor of this, I am going to blow up a picture of my face and put it on the back of the espresso machine with a sign that says “You’ve just been served by the #1 Employee!” Then I can even “charge” an extra .50 for stellar service and add that to my tip jar.

Breaking a quarter

Lady comes in holding a little miniature puppy in her Coach puppy purse. She has fake nails, a fake tan, and a lot of jewels. I am guessing she will probably order a grande nonfat sugar free vanilla latte. That's what all of them order. Of course, I am right. So I ring up her drink. Then she pulls out some bills and then puts her hand in my tip jar and pulls out the rest of the change to pay for her drink. I look at her astonished and she looks at me and goes "I didn't want to break my quarter." I secretly whispered "I didn't want to break your stupid dog, but I had to because I didn't have my own dog to break." Of course I didn't really break her dog. It was too cute. And also it wouldn't steal from me. And it would go along with my future plan to own 3 dogs ranging in size from big to small. First I will get the Dog that looks like a horse (I can't remember what it's called). Then I will get a bulldog. Then probably a chihuahua. And I will have the bulldog ride the horse dog, and the chihuahua ride the bulldog and we will run around the block all in matching track suits and sweatbands.

Aquasox

I always see this lady. Usually she is in a skirt, never with tights, and always carrying a garment bag. Now she has taken to wearing aquasox as her shoes. I am not sure if she knows that they are for the beach, but she seems to think they are great shoes. At least they are more comfortable than heels. And this way if she decides to take a little swim sometime during the day or night, she doesn't even have to remove her shoes!

Laptop/Desktop

I decided it would be a good idea to bring my laptop to work today. I thought I could be productive and do some side-work. Make the customers think I am a seriously big deal. But then someone had to walk in and order a toasted bagel. And then as I pushed down that toaster button, I flipped a cup of water and it landed right onto my poor computer. I thought it would be ok, but then it wasn't. I tried to write in code (without vowels but punching in the letters that were next to the ones I actually wanted to use) but that didn't seem to go over too well either. So after I discovered I couldn't afford to fix it, I decided to set it up like a laptop/desktop. When you have one of those these are things you have to do:
- Carry around an external keyboard
- And also an external mouse
- Sit at a big table or push two little tables together so all your electronics fit
- Laugh at yourself
- Have other people laugh at you
- Deal with Jealous people who are jealous that you have both a laptop and a desktop all in the same thing

Jesus Pamphlet

An older man walked in and stood and the counter. I thought he was looking through his bag to pull out his wallet. Unfortunately, I was wrong. He was actually pulling out a Jesus Pamphlet. And he handed it to me. It had a gold star that he put on the front, special just for me. And then before he walked away he said "I filled it all out for you. May God bless you."

I am not sure what he had to fill out. I still am not sure. But it does have his signature on the front, so maybe that counts for something?

"Independent Film Star"

Today I met a really awesome guy. He started off with a few jokes.

1) the Jokes weren't funny
2) Using good customer service I laughed anyway
3) He took that to mean I wanted more so he kept going
4) Quickly lost interested but faned interest so I would get a tip
5) No tip
6) Decided to move on and talk about his career

And then I learned he is an independent filmmaker. Apparently his family thinks he's a loser. I wonder why since he is being contacted by an X-rated porn star to make a film for her. However, I am not sure how this is all happening since he doesn't even know how to use the basic video editing programs. He prefers the imovie on the Mac.

Now that's what I call a real filmmaker. A real budget filmmaker.

Russian Music II

I heard about Russian's music career again. I think he doesn't have anything else to talk about. One time we tried to talk about books but he couldn't remember the name of the book he was reading or what it was about. He seemed to only know that it was in Russian. hmmm

He has two new favorite quotes though
- That's what's up
- M.I.A. (and not the singer, he's talking about the city of Miami).

Still haven't ever seen him do work.

Russian Music

Russian keeps visiting. This is unfortunately becoming a daily occurrence. And he doesn't even have any potential to be my future boyfriend. He doesn't drink coffee, talks way too much, and never tips.

Today he told me he went to the "University". I had friends who went there so I ask him what year he graduated and if he knew my friends.
(Sidenote: The school is small, my friends were on big sports team, so the chances he knew them should have been pretty high.)

But he surpassed all my thoughts of him because
a) he couldn't answer what year he graduated
b) DIdn't know my friends
c) Then confessed to not actually going there but working there for a little bit

So after we established this lack of education and the lie he tried to tell, he moved on to discussing his music career

No Words

There is a customer who comes in every couple of weeks. I'm not sure where he is always traveling to, but it must be somewhere, probably somehwere gross. He's quite gross. He thinks it's okay to make innapropriate jokes all the time. And then he heard me speak Spanish once and somehow decided that I was Guatemalan.

After 2 weeks, he decides to ask me if I would like to take a trip with him. Now, I always find this difficult to deal with because then things become awkward. That's why coffee should just be coffee, not dates (unless you are attractive and around the same age as the barista, and offer you extra things or extra tips, then it's okay, but not publicly with a line of customers, write it on a slip of paper and slide it across the counter).

I did not give him my phone number but instead wrote my e-mail. That should be sign number one. And as he was running off to catch his ride, he shouts "Is 35 too old for you?" Of course that's too old for me, especially when you act like you're 13. I wanted to say, try to grow up first, but he was already gone. Then that night when he must have arrived to his home, I get this:

yellow good lookin. what's cookin, COFFEE, hey, your white mocha is the best i have ever had, except my Mr. Coffee Brew, well just to see if you are serious about getting to know someone new?

I respond with a nice e-mail. I think I made things pretty clear
I just have to tell you that I think 35 is a bit too old for me but we can be friends. And I will still be happy to make your coffees
when you come into the caffe!

But then, I get this back
friends are good ,how's about a friendly date to my bedroom, just PLAYING, or a walk along the boardwalk? THAT'S FUN AND SAFE , NEVER KNOW WHO U REALLY ARE,LOL.,i get sun. and mon. off.your work is good alot of fun i bet , people are so interesting, so what do ya think , a friendly date to get to know eachother? just friend's, i sad, :>( ,i think your hot, sewxy and look good, :>) "I WANNA TOUCH YOU ALL OVER", I i love computer's, i can say crazy stuff without anyone saying anything, i would never say that in person , to anyone. is it true, well maybe, but we would have to get to know eachother, as friend's, RIGHT ? then i could only look and think those thing's. well,not really, to be honest with ya i am 39 and i have two kid's , BUTT,I AM SINGLE ,AND LOOK GOOD 6'1 ton's of fun, u are younger than me but my last girlfriend was 23, that blond, not sure if u seen her, very possesive and needed , hopefully not need's, to get work and her life together. I THINK,. WELL ,I WILL SIT HERE AND THINK SOME FINE GIRL I MET IN THE COFFEE SHOP TILL I HEAR FROM YA. HAVE A GOOD DAY AND HOPE U GET ALL U WANT.

If you couldn't already guess, I still haven't responded. And he hasn't frequented the caffe. Fine with me.