Divorce

I don't really know much about divorce. I know that you have to file papers. I also know that divorce means you become separated from someone you were previously with. Other than that, I don't know anything else. Well, I guess I also know that it starts with the letter D and ends with an E.

Short man enters...

Shorty: I just saved a lot of money today
Me: That's great. I love it when that happens
Shorty: Yeah I saved $280 dollars
Me: Wow that's a lot of money. How did you do that?
Shorty: I filed for divorce!
Me: That's all you got?
Shorty: No, that was how much the paperwork cost.
Me: ummm, ok
Shorty: But I don't make enough to pay that, so I saw the judge
Me: Fancy
Shorty: Then I explained how I don't make any money and he stamped my papers saying I don't have to pay the divorce application fee
Me: Almost like college. So what would you like? Something to celebrate?
Shorty: a tea. Do you have chai?
Me: Would you like a chai tea latte?
Shorty: No. I want the cheap tea. The kind that comes in a bag

And that's the thing about divorce. It usually costs $280 but sometimes it's free.

Audio Books

I think bus drivers are very interesting.

First, they can drive a bus.
Second, they deal with more crazies than I do on a daily basis.
Third, they get to speak through a microphone.
Four, they tend to be crazy themselves.

Then there is Fred, formerly a rock star musician, now a bus driver. For the longest time he referred to me as the Italian. No matter how many times I would tell him I wasn't Italian, he still continued to begin every single order with "Ciao Bella." Maybe from all his days as a rock star, his hearing has gone and he wasn't ignoring me, but rather, couldn't hear me tell him I wasn't Italian.

Today he started talking in a Scottish accent. I know for a fact he is not Scottish nor does he have an accent. Naturally, I ask why today he has an accent.

Fred: Oh Darling. It's because I have just written a novel
Me: Wow, that's impressive. So is this your way to advertise your book?
Fred: It's actually an audio book.
Me: Ok. And the accent is for...?
Fred: I am going to be reading the book, so I have to practice my accent
Me: I don't think you need a Scottish accent to read a book
Fred: Oh Darling...It's for one of the characters. I have to speak like a Scottish man during the day if I want the character to come to life.
Me: That makes sense. Of course.
Fred: I heard that if you practice enough, then it comes naturally. I don't want to be making any mistakes while speaking in the microphone
Me: So, what's your book about?
Fred: It's actually part of a trilogy. Science Fiction. I don't mean to brag but it's going to be as great as Star Wars.

Unless all the characters have accents, I know I won't be listening to his book on tape.

Selling

There are lots of things someone can sell.

- phone cards
- cakes
- candy bars
- Clothes
- coffee




Usually when I am working, I am the one selling things. I try to sell lots of things using my good sales techniques. Today, however, someone came in trying to sell something to me. This something was a box of batteries.

Vendor: You want to buy some batteries?
Me: No thanks
Vendor: But they're batteries
Me: Yes they are
Vendor: So you wanna buy them then?
Me: No. I don't need batteries
Vendor: yes you do
Me: Do you want to buy some coffee?
Vendor: No
Me: Why not?
Vendor: Batteries
Me: You don't need batteries when you have coffee

And then he walked away. I almost had him

Fake Tans

Tanning is an interesting concept. It's ok when it's real, but when it's fake, then it's pretty ugly. I saw the fakest tanned lady in my life. She was also in her 50s. I wanted to talk to her about her health but then got distracted by somebody calling out my name. I looked up to see who this could possibly be and was shocked to see Goldteeth. He has returned. This is why I should own a motorcycle. Then I could join a motorcycle gang, look tough, and wear a cool leather jacket with my name on the back, and be able to hop on my bike and leave whenever Goldteeth is in a nearby vicinity.

Hi Drunky

Unannounced to me, today was another day celebrating Hawaii. I like Hawaii. I want to go there. I just don't want to listen to the same Hawaiian music on repeat for 4 hours. I should have taken this as a sign that today was going to be an "interesting" day but I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt.

First entered a man who smelled horrible. He wanted a coffee so I got it ready for him. When I tried to get his money, it looked as if he was stuck trying to count. I waited. Then I waited some more. Then I thought he had fallen asleep, so I took the bills for him. When began to tip over at the counter, I realized that no, he doesn't have a sleeping problem, he is just drunk. Then I imagined the conversation I would have with him.

Me: Hey there buddy. Thirsty?
Drunk: Heya. Really thirsty. Give me a brewsky
Me: I don't serve those here. But I wish I did. I would have one too
Drunk: Oh don't worry, I have a couple in my pocket
Me: Perfect
Drunk: Do you have a bottle opener?
Me: No, only a can opener
Drunk: That's ok. I can use my teeth
Me: Wow, what a man.
Drunk: I've had practice.

And I couldn't even think of the rest of the conversation because I was interrupted by his presence a 2nd time. And this time he had poo smeared on his face.

Breaking Diets

There is a younger, military man who comes in almost every single day. I like to secretly call him Sven. He usually gets the same thing. For the first month, every single day he came in to buy a yogurt parfait. Then the 2nd month, he started to add in a bottle of water. At 3 months, he threw in a banana too. Recently, he's started to show up sweaty and also in a t-shirt. I couldn't quite figure out how this could be. I was always freezing in 5 shirts and a sweatshirt.

Me: I'm impressed with your ability to wear short sleeves in such weather.
Sven: Yes. It's because I have started to work out
Me: Oh that's great. I guess working out will make you hot
Sven: I've started to run, getting myself into shape
Me: I think it's an excellent plan
Sven: It's hard to run with my backpack. Especially with my computer
Me: Yes, I would agree
Sven: I'm also trying to eat healthier. It's my New Years resolution
Me: I always forget to make those. I think you're doing a great job on eating healthier.
Sven: Thanks. I feel good.
Me: When you get a 6-pack, let me know. I'll tell you my evaluation of it.

5 minutes later...

Me: Hey Sven, do you want to try a little bit of a milkshake
Sven: Sure
Me: Do you like coffee though?
Sven: Not really. (after a comment like that, how he first decided to come into the caffe, I have no idea)
Me: Well, it's an espresso milkshake but it's not that strong
Sven: Wow, this is delicious

Then the next day guess who ordered an espresso milkshake instead of the usual banana and yogurt? Oops. And he got it with whipped cream.

Speaking of breaking diets, poor Shoniqua hasn't been able to keep hers for even a day. Those damn cobbler bars.

Missing Teeth

I wish I didn't have to deal with a lot of crazy people on a daily basis, but unfortunately, I do. These crazy people today didn't have front teeth. They also liked to sing at the counter, and no, they didn't have good voices. And then I had to kick out two people. I felt bad at first but not when they started asking all my customers for their money.

Judy's Big Day

Big Day can mean lots of things. Big Day can mean

- win the lottery
- Land a new job
- Have a baby
- find a boyfriend (or girlfriend)
- win at a circus game

But for Judy, big day means something totally different. For Judy big day means

- She purchased 3 egg nog lattes
- She also purchased 2 hot dogs
- She did it all with lipstick on her teeth

Congratulations Judy.

Accomplishments

Today was a day of accomplishments.

1) Humpty Dumpty came in and bought his very first coffee. Though it was the smallest cup of coffee ever, he made an actual effort to become a customer. Then he called me "Dear." I let it go the first time. But then he called me "dear" 4 more times. Excuse me Humpty Dumpty but the word "dear" should be reserved for your little bicycle pants.

2) Confused Gerbil #2 professed another accomplishment to me today. I learned that he was married multiple times. Usually bigger numbers means more accomplishments, but sometimes it can mean the opposite. For example, the more times you have been married doesn't count. But then again, weddings are fun. Confused Gerbil wanted to talk about multiple marriages, I assume, because he brought it up without me asking. He professed "third time's a charm," but then immediately took that back because now he's on his 4th wife. And I guess he never really did write poetry, he just spoke at funerals, and sometimes he rhymed.

3) Judy bought her largest amount of Egg Nog lattes at one time. She purchased three 20 oz lattes then stood at the counter while I helped the next customer. The next customer was a man. After he left, she told me to be careful, because men are scary. Right Judy. The scariest kind of man is one who orders a double Irish cream latte.

New Year Celebrations

Most people have New Years Day off from work. I, fortunately, got to work. I didn't mind too much because people were very thankful for having me be there and therefore were extra nice. The nicest customers of the day were the ones who were still drunk. Three guys showed up and at first they looked hungover from the previous evening's activities, but within a few seconds, I realized they were actually just still drunk. They let me select all their beverages and then the just kept throwing more money in my tip jar. I wish everybody was drunk all the time every day.