Diary of a Coffee Princess

St. Patty's Day

2010-03-17T14:08:00.001-07:00

I love almost all holidays. I strongly believe we should have more of them, as a matter of fact. I know that if we had more things to celebrate in this country, then everybody would be happier. Today, I celebrated St. Patrick's Day. This is always a fun holiday because anything that involves the color green, leprechauns, gold, and alcohol can't be anything but great. But as much as I do love holidays, I don't always love people on holidays.
St. Patrick's Day is one example of a day where I am not too fond of the people. It reminds me of frat parties where everybody is drunk and acting stupid and a lot of people have red faces.

Today I dressed up for the occasion. I tried to wear as much green as possible with as little coordination as I could get away with. In walks a man. We'll call him Patrick.

Patrick: How come you're not in a bikini
Me: Oh shoot, I must have forgotten to wear it today
Patrick: You would make more tips if you had it on
Me: I know that. Too bad that tomorrow is bikini day
Patrick: Well I'm not going to be here tomorrow
Me: That's too bad. You're going to miss it
Patrick: You can give me a preview
Me: Not allowed
Patrick: Come on, nobody is watching
Me: The cameras are
Patrick: We can go in the back room
Me: Would you like a coffee or not?
Patrick: I would like a latte. Come one, let me see
Me: No. You should know a little mystery is better
Patrick: A bikini is a mystery.
Me: I'm sure, but clothes are even more of a mystery so I will stick to that
Patrick: I can picture you in a bikini now...and I like it

Then right before I punched him in the face he said "Here's a dollar tip. I would have given you more if you had on a bikini"

Pregnant

2010-03-16T14:11:00.001-07:00

I began my shift, 30 minutes later in walks in the 1 person I was hoping to never see again...Goldtooth!

He came in and sat down. I immediately made myself extremely busy in the area that was furthest away from him. After I completely ignored him for half an hour, he got up and left to my amazement. I started to think, "wow, this guy is finally getting it. I am not interested."

I was feeling pretty good about everything and then a pregnant lady walked in. Usually I think being pregnant is very cute. This lady, on the other hand, was not at all cute. To use the words spastic would be putting it nicely.

Preggers: Do you know the number for Greyhound?
Me: No. Sorry.
Preggers: Look at me. I bought a $4 popcorn. I paid $4 for this
Me: That's a bit steep. Sorry. At least you have popcorn though
Preggers: I don't even want it. I should have bought the $3 popcorn, but now I have to eat all of this
Me: I bet you can save some for later
Preggers: I'm a mess. I paid so much money for popcorn that I don't even have. And I'm pregnant
Me: Sorry
Preggers: And I'm leaving my boyfriend. He got me pregnant. I'm having his baby. But I'm leaving him
Me: Oh
Preggers: Should I leave him? What should I do? This is my only baby I'm going to have and it's his. I only want one baby
Me: I have no idea. You should be treated well
Preggers: I keep hoping he will show up running after me, but he won't. I have to leave him. He got me pregnant. I'm having his baby!
Me: I'm really sorry. I hope things work out
Preggers: And I paid $4 for this popcorn!! Do you think I can catch the greyhound in 30 minutes?
Me: Lady, I have no idea. I wish you the best of luck
Preggers: I can't believe this. I'm leaving my boyfriend and I'm pregnant! But I love him. He's the father of this baby!

All I know is that if that's how people get when they are pregnant, I am in absolutely no rush.

Garbage Day

2010-03-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

Taking out the garbage is one of my all time favorite tasks. I like it for the smell, mostly, but also for the thrill of throwing a large bag into an even larger bin.

I was down at the garbage station trying to toss in the trash bag but there was a man in front of it with all the garbage from the whole terminal. I asked if he could toss mine in for me (I was trying to be nice and give him double the thrill). He looked at me strangely and goes "is this from your car?" I thought this was funny. Why would someone have a huge trash bag in their car? I started to laugh and said no, this is from the caffe. Then I left to go back to the store. I was almost inside when I hear someone shouting "Hey!" So I turn around and look and this joker is down below shouting at me. First, I thought I was in trouble for something. Then he says

Javon: "I don't even get a name?"
Me: Why would you get a name?
Javon: Because I want one
Me: Well not everybody gets what they want
Javon: Just tell me
Me: No. You can guess it?
Javon: How am I supposed to guess it?
Me: You pick a name and guess it, that's how
Javon: That's not fair

Let me tell you a little something Javon, life's not fair. Better to learn that now rather than later. Sorry I have to be the one to teach it to you.

Jobs

2010-03-11T06:16:00.000-08:00

I love it when people talk about jobs. Either they have one or they don't. There can be many reasons for this and I like to think this my personal goal to find out the particular reasons from each customer. Today there was a short man who chatted me up for a good half hour about his numerous jobs.

4'11: Do you like working here?
Me: Yeah, it's pretty interesting. You see a good mix of people. I was hoping for something I studied in college, but the economy's rough right now
4'11: What did you study?
Me: Graphic Design and Economics
4'11: So what are you looking for?
Me: I don't even know anymore. Something creative
4'11: I used to do IT for a huge company. I was working a lot
Me: That's good
4'11: You need to talk to people. Tell everyone you are looking for a job. I bet you see lots of Microsoft people
Me: I tell people
4'11: Well you should tell more. I am the best at getting jobs. Now I am a taxi driver
Me: Well that's great.
4'11: Yeah, I can't believe it. And I can make $100 an hour which is more than I ever made
Me: That sounds good. (so how come you didn't give me a tip?)
4'11: It's great being a taxi driver. I still do IT. I also used to own a business.
Me: Aren't you the jack of all trades?

And before I could find out more, another customer walked in to inform me of his days as a dishwasher in a restaurant. Currently he's unemployed. And also his daughter is a brat, according to him.

Greatness

2010-03-10T20:10:00.000-08:00

The best kind of greatness is the kind that is discovered. Some people are impatient and instead like to self-proclaim their greatness to anybody who is forced to listen.

I was chosen as the listener. This customer asked me one question, not to know the answer, but as a way to start talking about himself.

Sir Dbag: Do you like your job?
Me: Yes I do. It's interesting
Sir Dbag: I don't really like it over here in the city. I have to come over to visit my girlfriend
Me: I bet that makes her happy
Sir Dbag: I just pierced her tongue
Me: Great
Sir Dbag: Yeah, I mean I already have mine pierced. I am a self-titled piercer and tattoo artist. I just got into it myself
Me: Nice...
Sir Dbag: I am also a published poet. I write poetry and it keeps getting published. I am hoping to go to school so I'll probably go to a 2 year but then this one place is offering me a full ride to go to their school because they like my work
Me: I'm sure they do. Congratulations
Sir Dbag: But I am in a bit of trouble because I got caught pirating music but now Microsoft is threatening me to work for them because I am really good at pirating.
Me: Seems to me you have a bright future
Sir Dbag: Why are the cops all standing right there? I hate cops
Me: (Well I hate you but that doesn't make you go away)

Why? That is only question I can ask myself.

Reading Minds

2010-03-08T00:41:00.000-08:00

Reading minds is a gift. I don't really think I have this gift, but I can sometimes make people think that I do. I can do this by deciding for them what they want to drink. Usually I will just guess silently in my head what someone is going to order, but sometimes I like to say out loud, "Let me guess...a white chocolate mocha!" Sometimes people say "no." Sometimes, people say, "you know, that actually does sound good." And sometimes, people just say "ok." I prefer all answers except for "no."

Today, however, people were reading my mind instead. I say this because people brought me gifts. First I got popcorn, then I got chocolate bars, then someone brought me an order of spring rolls (they must have known I was tired of sweets), and then finally, someone brought me an entire pineapple. I like to call today "my lucky day."

Gettin the Ladies

2010-03-05T00:41:00.000-08:00

I am all for relationships. I am also all for the single life. I am pretty much for whatever floats your boat. But if someone is looking for a relationship, I will be there to help.

Today, an old man came in, and talked to me about meeting a lady. He was so cute about it, that I had to chip in and help the poor guy out. So what did I do? Helped him pick out a shirt. I figured, if after 75 years you still can't ask a girl out, then you need to exercise all your options. One of these options being a shirt. This way he can advertise what kind of girl he wants and instead of having to approach someone, they can flock to him. Of course, if he looked like Brad Pitt it might be a bit easier, but everybody has different taste. So, what kind of shirt did I pick out for him? One that said "I like my coffee strong, my women sweet." He seemed pretty confident with it on, so I am just waiting for him to come back in with his new girlfriend to tell me thanks.

Peeing

2010-03-04T14:57:00.001-08:00

A normal person has a fine time going pee. This doesn't seem like something difficult to do. But to some people, it can be very hard. And usually to those same people, it can also be a topic of conversation.

As I was walking to work, I was greeted by my homeless friend, Larry, who wanted to walk with me to work. As we walked, he talked to me about peeing. I had no idea what he was talking about but he was very animated about the whole thing, so I thought I should be polite and look interested.

Larry: Heya stranger
Me: Hey Larry, how's it going today?
Larry: You know how hard it is to go pee these days?
Me: I didn't know that
Larry: Yeah, you can't always pee in the same spot
Me: Yeah...
Larry: Sometimes you just have to pee on yourself because you can't make it to the bathroom
Me: That doesn't sound good
Larry: But then you are warm
Me: Alright (trying to escape)
Larry: I tell that to the other guys. Sometimes you just have to go in your pants
Me: Good luck Larry. I've got to run. I hope that you can work out a better bathroom system
Larry: Haha yeah. I know. Oh well. See you tonight!

I thought I escaped to the caffe safely, but then Phoenix was there. Then he handed me my poem.

Awkward

2010-03-02T23:56:00.000-08:00

There are lots of awkward people in this world. There are also people who like to make awkward situations. And then there are professions that breed awkward people. One of these professions is police work. The police in uniforms tend to be the most awkward. It's almost as if they have no idea how to act when wearing a gun belt and/or bulletproof vest.

I thought that my awkward days were over, but I was wrong. I was working on my computer and trying to look as involved in my work as possible. This didn't seem to phase the police officer who kept standing at the counter just watching me. No, he didn't want a coffee. He just wanted to stand there and try to make conversation. I knew I was doomed after he told me he had no friends. For the time being, we will call him Phoenix.

Phoenix: What are you doing?
Me: I'm working. What are YOU doing?
Phoenix: I'm bored
Me: Shouldn't you be doing work too?
Phoenix: I thought I would come over and say hi. Try to make some friends
Me: Hi. I'm trying to apply for jobs. You have a whole world out there to make friends with
Phoenix: Oh! What kind of jobs?
Me: All sorts. I never have time to do it so it's nice right now
Phoenix: Yeah, I know how that goes. So what kind of jobs?
Me: Something creative
Phoenix: I used to write poetry
Me: Fascinating. Then write me a poem
Phoenix: Maybe
Me: Well, it's my birthday soon, so why don't you go think about a poem and get back to me when you finish it
Phoenix: What are you working on right now?
Me: A book
Phoenix: That sounds cool.
Me: Maybe you should go try to write a book and make friends at the same time
Phoenix: How am I supposed to meet people? It's hard
Me: You have to do stuff to meet people
Phoenix: Like what?
Me: Anything...volunteer, sports, at your JOB
Phoenix: Nobody wants to hang out
Me: I wonder why...

Well Phoenix, good luck with that. Maybe if you didn't bother people when they are trying to work, you would have an easier time trying to make friends.

Guess who's back?

2010-03-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

If you guessed Goldtooth, you are wrong. If you guess Silver Fox, you would be correct. He came in special today to visit me. As usual, he stayed and chatted for a bit, until a friend called out to him. Instead of leaving, he called his friend over into the caffe and brought me another customer. What a guy. Then he called me a princess. After that, I remember nothing.

Naked Pictures

2010-02-26T21:32:00.000-08:00

I like to make my transactions as fast as possible. I do this for a few reasons:

1) I work by myself so I have to
2) I don't want people talking to me for too long
3) I don't want to have awkward moments

I was making this man his drink. I rang it up so he would have time to get his money ready while I was finishing his drink. He had a different idea in mind and wanted to take as long as possible. In his doing this, I handed him his drink while he left his wallet open on the counter. Instead of rushing to get his money out, he just sat there staring into space long enough for me to notice the picture sitting on top of his money. This picture showed him with his children naked laying across a sheet in some photography studio. To me, this just seemed wrong. At least Anne Geddes dresses the naked babies up like fruits, trees, or vegetables.

Caffeine Overdose

2010-02-24T23:31:00.003-08:00

I don't really think there is something as too much caffeine but maybe there is something called caffeine overdose. Since I've grown up on coffee, I figure I am immune to the effects of caffeine. But sometimes, I like to push the limits and see what happens. I think coffee is better than alcohol in this way because you don't wake up feeling sick.

Today, I was feeling a bit overtired so instead of my usual caffeine intake, I added an extra cup of coffee and 4 extra shots of espresso. This, at the time, seemed like a great idea. Once all of it hit my system, I quickly realized that maybe this wasn't the best thing to do. I was having a lot of fun, but I think some of the customers were taken aback.

Number of times I got asked if I was drunk: 4
Number of times people asked me where I was hiding the bottle of Kahlua: 3
Number of times I started to laugh for no reason: 10
Number of times I dropped something in the caffe: 6
Number of times I scared a customer: Every time

Hey, at least I found myself amusing. Will I do it again? Probably.

Back in Action

2010-02-24T23:31:00.001-08:00

I see thousands of people on a daily basis, and lots of times, I see the same people. For some reason, I hadn't seen newspaper man for quite some time. I thought, maybe he has gotten sick? Maybe he learned to talk and got a job doing something else? Maybe he has gone on to become a model for flared jeans? But all these questions didn't need to go on unanswered for too much longer because he was back in action today. I tried to ask where he had been.

Me: Where have you been?
Newspaper Guy: Ouwa in yanow me
Me: Hmmm, right
Newspaper Guy: Upsairs!
Me: No!
Newspaper Guy: Sunay papah go up
Me: Ok
Newspaper Guy: Yeah
Me: Good to know
Newspaper Guy: You upsairs! Papa Sunay
Me: NO!

And looks like we are right back where we left off.

Verbal Handcuffs

2010-02-22T22:13:00.001-08:00

"Verbal Handcuffs" is a concept that I am well versed in working at the caffe. Most people don't know what this means, but you should.

Verbal Handcuffs:
When someone won't stop talking (usually about a subject you have no interest in).
The talker has verbally forced you to stand there and listen, even though you have given many clues that you have checked out.

Even though I am at work and have many excuses to escape customers, I never seem to be able to do it gracefully. I get stuck in verbal handcuffs more often than not. I try to give lots of clues to let them know that I am no longer paying attention. Some of these clues consist of:

- counting money
- washing dishes
- closing my eyes
- moving to the farthest corner in the caffe
- pick up the phone and pretend to be giving someone information
- turning the music up

For some reasons, these clues will usually go unnoticed. Someone will ask me to please lower the music because it's hard for them to talk over the music. Some will shout to me from across the caffe. No matter how many times I say "what? I can't hear you" they don't give up.

The worst is when someone purposefully misses their ride so they can hang out with me for an extra hour. And that is exactly what happened today. Maybe I should invest in a taser?

How are you?

2010-02-21T22:11:00.001-08:00

I like to think the most common question asked besides "can I get your phone number?" is "how are you?" Because the common knowledge behind this question is that the person asking doesn't really want to know the answer, you should always answer briefly and somewhat positively.

Some examples of good answers to this question are:

- fine
- I'm doing well
- Great
- Excellent
- Alright
- ok
- Tired

This question, in my opinion, is asked mostly to be polite. Most people don't really care about the answer unless they are your friend. In some cases, they may care but don't have the time to hear it. That is why most people answer with one word. Keeps things short and simple without getting too involved in someone else's business. Unfortunately for me, this concept goes over more peoples heads than I would like. I tend to get longer answers or just people talking about how bad their day was, even if I have a line of customers after them. My favorite answer came today from a middle-aged woman. She was clearly having a rough day, maybe even month.

Me: How are you?
Lady: I guess I could always be dead
Me: That doesn't sound too good
Lady: Well it isn't
Me: I'm sorry to hear that
Lady: Everything is going wrong. I missed my bus, I've been traveling all day, they messed up my lunch order, and now I have to wait here for another hour
Me: Well, at least you get to have a nice cup of coffee and enjoy the view
Lady: No, that's not what I want to do
Me: I hope you can find something you want to do. Hey, you didn't get pooped on by a bird. That's always a good thing right?
Lady: I want to get out of here
Me: Okay, well good luck. I hope the rest of your day goes better
Lady: It won't

Cheeseburgers

2010-02-20T17:55:00.000-08:00

There are lots of things the caffe sells. There are lots of things any caffe sells, and these things usually fall all into the same genre. Pastries such as scones, muffins, croissants, and cinnamon rolls. There are even desserts like cookies, donuts, and cakes. If you are hungry, there are more savory options as well. These tend to be more on the "elegant" side of things like little sandwiches, quiches, etc. We, on the other hand, like to be different in that we also sell hot dogs. I suppose one might assume we also sell cheeseburgers, but that is wrong. We do not and will not sell those ever.

A lady came in today. She looked a bit frazzled. I thought she was talking to me at first, but then I realized she was talking to herself. I didn't question it since I get these kinds of people a lot. She starts to talk to me about a football stadium, nothing about the sport, just the stadium, and then orders an ice cream. I scoop it and hand her a cup of ice cream when she starts to act completely absurd. She can't find her wallet then takes out a little key and starts trying to "unlock" her purse. I am not sure she understood the concept of a purse and that one usually is not locked. Maybe a suitcase, but definitely not a purse. Once she figured out the key wasn't working, she asked if she could just come back and pay me another time. I'm sorry lady, but I don't think that's how a business works. And then she told me that she would like a cheeseburger at the stadium. I told her I'm sure she could find a cheeseburger there. She looked at me, proceeded to put on bright red lipstick, and then walked off talking about her cheeseburger.

Pity

2010-02-19T23:08:00.000-08:00

There are lots of things you can say to a girl to make her feel good. Some of these examples are:

- You look absolutely beautiful today
- You make me want to be a better person
- When I'm with you, I lose track of time
- I can go to any caffe but I like coming here because you make me happy

On the other hand, there are lots of other things you can say to make her feel not so great about herself.

- Have you been eating too many of the pastries lately?
- You look really tired
- I pity the man who marries you

Now guess which comment was said to me? If you guess "I pity the man who marries you," then you would be correct. He quickly followed it up with, "he will have to put up with you and all your flirting." I am not sure if he was trying to make up for the previous comment or just wanted to continue making me feel like a real princess.

Then he brought me chocolate truffles. And chocolate doesn't solve problems, but I was craving it, so this time it did.

a Sequence of Events

2010-02-18T14:55:00.001-08:00

1) Homeless Larry showed up today as I was walking to work. He decided to walk with me. As he smoked on his cigar (don't ask me where he bought that), he talked to me about the going-ons around the street that day. I had just missed a fight between a lady and a set of cups. The lady was screaming, then she got a cup of chowder, then the cops told her to calm down, then she threw her cup of clam chowder in a cop's face. I didn't quite get the rest of the story because I was entering the caffe and Larry has a restraining order.

2) Panamanian Disguise gave me another present. Among the shirt, loofah, place mat, and hat, today he brought me jicama. I asked for steak and lobster. I think jicama is pretty close, especially when topped with a lime.

3) I get a phone call at the caffe 30 minutes after I closed. This person wanted cannolis. I told them that I had already closed. That didn't matter to them because they REALLY wanted the cannolis. I, being in a nice mood, told them that I would hold off on closing out the register and make them their cannolis. Though I was trying to be nice, I also thought this would mean a big tip. I made the guy 6 cannolis, then he paid with a credit card. I looked at the receipt...no tip. I was about to be pissed but then I saw him reach for his wallet. I thought I would be getting at least a fiver. But then instead of money, he handed me his business card, "owner of a luxury car service." And instead of any sort of tip, he said "here, let me give you my business card. Why ride in a taxi when you can go in a Mercedes or jaguar?" He better have meant I would be getting a free ride to somewhere far away.

Radiation

2010-02-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

I learned all about radiation today. I didn't know how it worked or who got it but a man enlightened me while I was making his coffee, and then more after his coffee was finished. He explained that he needed an extra large coffee because he hadn't slept in over 24 hours.

Me: Oh wow, that's a long time. Lots of work?
Ray: Not really. I just am not supposed to sleep for 36 hours.
Me: Oh. That's weird. I couldn't do that
Ray: Yeah, if I fall asleep, and the radiation hits, then I could die, so I have to be awake.
Me: I am not sure I understand
Ray: I am going through radiation. You don't really know when it's going to happen so you are required to stay awake for 36 hours
Me: Ok. That makes sense (not really)
Ray: So I have another day to go without sleeping
Me: I definitely couldn't do that
Ray: I have medicine I can take to stay awake too
Me: Well isn't that convenient? At least you can be extra productive
Ray: Yeah, I guess so. But it's hard when you are so tired.
Me: I'm sorry
Ray: This radiation...blah blah blah blah

Now, I am not sure if I heard everything correctly. I may or may not have zoned out after he said the word "radiation," but all I know is that radiation is not for me.

Reflections

2010-02-16T13:25:00.001-08:00

There is that song by Christina Aguilera in Mulan called Reflections, but that's not the "reflection" I'm talking about. I love watching people check out themselves. I find it so entertaining. I wonder if people think nobody else can see them readjusting their outfit, or other things for that matter. I know for sure that I am always on the lookout. I wasn't even on the lookout today when I came across a lady checking herself out. I thought she was coming for a coffee. But then as I approached her, I realized that she was not looking at a menu or in the caffe. She was actually just checking out her reflection. She had enough time to fix her hair before I approached. She got all flustered and walked away, but not before she checked herself out one last time. The caffe must look like a one-sided window, like the kind they have in jail. If only it were, then my job would be EVEN more interesting.

Explosions

2010-02-15T13:25:00.000-08:00

Explosions are only good in the form of fireworks. I can't really think of another type of explosion that is fun to have. I wish that I could bring fireworks into the caffe so that way I could make certain customers feel very special. Just imagine if I could surprise customers with fireworks every time they did a good job ordering. I have this feeling that sales would increase immensely once it caught on.

Today, however, I didn't have fireworks. Instead I had a coffee explosion. And no, it's not what you are thinking. I didn't put the filter in tight enough and when I tried to pour the shot, the filter flew off and I had coffee grounds all over. All over, meaning all over my face. And because I had a line, I didn't have time to clean it off. I think people started to tip me extra just because they were feeling sorry for me. Sad.

Japan!

2010-02-13T21:54:00.000-08:00

I love Japan. I love everything Japanese (well, almost everything).

I love
- peace signs
- sushi
- Samurais
- Sumo wrestling
- Japanese characters
- the fact that you can buy food in a 7-Eleven and it's normal

The 1 thing I don't like
- wasting $20 on a vending machine in an arcade trying to win a key chain of a stuffed bean. (Don't worry, it had a cute face on it)

Today a cute little Japanese girl walked into the caffe. She was nervous ordering, but she did it. She ordered a large coffee. I wanted to make sure everything was ok, so I checked on her at the cream counter, but she was talking with her friend. It looked like she was trying to figure out how to say "you have something on your face." When she finished, she came back over to the counter and did the same sort of motion to me. I started to to rub my face and she started to look confused. Then she was finally able to muster up "you have a very pretty smile." Then she smiled, waved and walked away. Cutest girl ever. Man, I love Japan.

Perceptions

2010-02-12T00:03:00.001-08:00

I like to think that I give off a certain vibe, that my own perception of myself is the same as other peoples. I must be totally off because I'm starting to think people see me differently than I see myself. I only realized that when people started to give me handouts of things they think I might like to do. The best handout was the one I received today about a women's seminar on spiritual healing and living. I went through a mental checklist of things that might attract a person to this

- hemp clothing
- yoga
- meditation
- drugs
- no shaving
- butterfly tattoos
- mystical creatures

I don't really do anything in this checklist, though I did attempt yoga for a couple months. I acted grateful for the information and pretended to be interested. Needless to say, I didn't attend. Almost.

the DUI

2010-02-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

There are things that are embarrassing and/or shameful. I like to keep these things to myself. Other people, apparently like to share these little tidbits.

When working in the customer service industry, one tends to ask questions to be polite. I always like to make small talk with people. I don't usually expect honest answers. I especially don't want to hear an honest answer if it's complaining about something.

Me: Hi, How are you?
Joe: I'm just alright. Getting ready for a long day
Me: Oh yeah? I know those well
Joe: Probably not the kind I'm about to have
Me: Hmmmm, maybe not
Joe: Yeah, my day is going to be horrible
Me: I am very sorry to hear that. Whip cream?
Joe: I'm really going to need all I can get for what's going to come
Me: Well how about I throw in an extra shot of espresso for you
Joe: That would be nice. Maybe it will make the next 6 hours go by faster
Me: I hope so
Joe: So, do you know what I have to do
Me: (I was trying not to hear...)
Joe: I have to go to a DUI class. I got a DUI a bit ago so I have to sit through a class with a bunch of drunks.
Me: (Aren't you one of them too?)

And for me, none of this needed to be said. He could have stopped right before DUI class. But thank god he didn't. I might have stayed up at night wondering what he was going to do after he got the coffee.

Holding Hands

2010-02-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

As we all know, I am not a big fan of PDA. It makes me uncomfortable, unless I am the one partaking, then I think it's ok. In my opinion, holding hands can be considered a form of PDA. This is only considered bad when inflicted upon someone involuntarily. Today I involuntarily acted in a PDA. This unfortunately took place with newspaper guy. He paid for his coke with a dollar bill and as he handed it to me, he grabbed my hand and held it. I didn't have any words except for a silent scream. When he finally let go, he walked off smiling. That's when I noticed his high waters. I think that I prefer his flared jeans. Another thing I prefer is that he doesn't touch me.

If you can't lose em...

2010-01-29T19:30:00.000-08:00

You might as well join them. Today was the last of the Hawaii days. In honor of this, I decided to celebrate. I decided to celebrate by joining them in their Hawaiin activities. This consisted of me getting lots of leis. By the end of the night, I had on 5. And I must admit, it felt pretty good.

Yelling

2010-01-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing that I hate, it's getting yelled at. I used to get super embarrassed when I was younger, but now, being all grown up, I just get mad. Unless I've done something totally and utterly wrong, I don't think shouting at me is a good approach to get something done.

I had a male customer today who must have thought I was deaf when he walked in because the entire time he was in the caffe, he proceeded to yell at me. First he yelled out his order. Then he yelled for me to bring him napkins. Then he yelled at me because he couldn't find something. The last straw came when he yelled at me to turn off the music because he needed to make a business call. I gave him my meanest look to which he responded "I'm not trying to be a bother..."

Well, sir, you are. You are being a huge bother. I wish I could have thrown him to the ground. That would have taught him a lesson.

Therapy

2010-01-28T17:04:00.001-08:00

It's always the people who need therapy the most, who have no idea they are crazy. I see these sorts of people all the time. Sometimes I interact with them multiple times a day. There is a lady who comes in a few times a week. She has a very high-pitched voice and likes to laugh a lot instead of ordering her drink. At first I thought she was always just nervous, but then I soon realized that, no, it's just how she is.

Each time she comes in, she tells me something she's doing. After 2 weeks, it started to seem like this lady had 5 different jobs. I have no idea how she would be able to operate such a schedule if she was also a college professor, as she claimed to be. It soon came out that besides being a professor, she also works at the Goodwill, is also a student, and also teaches at another college. Besides the multitude of jobs, she is married. Instead of an actual wedding ring, every year her "hubby" gets her a new ring from a vending machine.

Today she told me how she went into a counselors office at her college to talk to someone about a job search. (If she already had 5, I am not sure why this was needed). So the counselor apparently handed her a list of therapists instead. She then proceeded to show me the list, then laugh, and say "I'm not crazy!" I laughed back, because I think she is crazy. But then she looked at me with sad eyes and repeated, "I'm not crazy, right?" I felt bad, lied and said "of course not," to which she replied, totally relieved, "it must be my newly dyed pink hair. It doesn't look fake does it?" To this, unfortunately, I had no response.

High Fives

2010-01-26T16:01:00.000-08:00

There are lots of things in life which call for "Congratulations." Some of these things might include, but are not limited to:

- Graduating from school
- Winning an event
- Getting married
- Receiving a promotion
- Getting the day off from work

There are also lots of different ways to give congratulations. Most commonly one will say "congratulations." Other times it comes in the form of a card, money, or balloons. Sometimes, it will come as a high-five.

Today, a man high-fived me, not once, not twice, but three different times. Not for anything I did, but because his wife was getting a boob job. Why I needed to know that, I have no idea. Why he was celebrating with me, I also have no idea. Whey he was drunk at a caffe instead of with his wife, again, I have no idea.

What a day.

Judy's Diet

2010-01-25T14:35:00.001-08:00

Like Shoniqua, Judy has now officially started a diet. "My pants are getting tight," she informed me. What I didn't say was "Actually Judy, your pants are always tight." Instead, I responded "that always happens to me around the holidays as well. I say, eat what you want, just do a bit of exercise." But Judy and exercise don't go together. It gives her a headache. Well, then Judy, I guess I can't really help you out on that one. But you should have known that would happen when I guess every day you have 3 large lattes, 2 hot dogs, a cookie, and a cobbler bar. She decided to cut out the cookie. Hey, that's a start!

Work Ethic

2010-01-22T23:36:00.000-08:00

Despite my efforts to lower Confused Gerbil #2's caffeine intake, I think someone else is undermining my power. He seems to continuously come into the caffe acting more and more hyped up. Though he generally talks about boxing, drugs, or ladies. This time to my surprise, it was something else. Much appreciated Confused Gerbil #2. Confused Gerbil #2 took up the topic of work ethic and endurance. These two attributes are very important. He has both, he told me.
CG2: Young people these days don't have worth ethic
Me: Yeah, I don't know. I think it depends on how your parents raised you
CG2: In my boxing days, I was traveling all over. I was offered so many drugs. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think drugs are good, but I used to do them and drink. I've been sober for 25 years now.
Me: Congratulations. I am proud of you. (now, what that has to do with work ethic, I don't know)
CG2: I digress. Excuse me. Back in my boxing days, you know, I worked hard. I was a fighter. People just want money without working
Me: Yeah...
CG2: But you, you're so fine, with people in line, making things rhyme, in my time, coffee so fine...
Me: (oh no, and here we go again)
CG2: But you have great work ethic. And lots of endurance.
Me: Thanks Confused Gerbil #2.

And once again he kills me with the compliments.

Oy Vey!

2010-01-21T23:36:00.000-08:00

There are many expressions one can use to express emotion or amazement. In a conversation, generally speaking, someone will vary their expressions. Instead of saying, "wow" after every sentence, they will say "wow" or "cool," "very neat," and maybe even "awesome." Today, a lady came in who has never heard this concept before, because after every 5 words, she would say "oy vey!" It was amusing to me at first, but then it stopped being amusing, especially when certain things didn't call for an "oy vey" at the end. I wanted to ask her where she learned this trick, but I was afraid the answer would have consisted of "oy vey" being repeated twenty times over.

To make this day even more remarkable on the repeating front, Confused Gerbil #2 was back. He had a coffee before coming in, so I knew I was in for some fun. He repeated the same rhyme from last time, told me about his boxing days...AGAIN, and then stood at the end of counter telling me I should receive a standing applause because I am so great. I would've been annoyed if it weren't for the last comment, so maybe I should start giving him extra caffeine. After all, who doesn't love a compliment?

Split Shots

2010-01-20T23:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes caffeine can be a good thing. Other times, caffeine isn't so great. I like to think it's only one-sided for me, and that is that it's always great. Without caffeine I am clumsy, not very nice, and not as good at multi-tasking. But it's amazing what a few shots of espresso can do. I think for other people, like my customers, it might seem like I shouldn't have as much caffeine as I normally do, but that's beside the point.

Confused Gerbil #2 is a special case where caffeine isn't the best idea for him. Maybe it was all those years boxing, or the drugs, but the caffeine makes him crazy. He starts to talk to paper cut-outs of people, shouts, and recites "poetry" to anybody who is in his near vicinity. Unfortunately, that person usually is me, and as much as I love hearing things that rhyme with "fine," it gets old after about 30 seconds. Today, I decided to take matters into my own hands and gave him part decaf, part regular. I consider myself doing everybody a favor, unless he falls asleep at work, and then I will confess to my wrongdoing.

Peaceful creatures

2010-01-19T16:08:00.000-08:00

When someone says Native American, different words come to mind. Some of these words are:

- dream catchers
- peace
- fireworks
- casinos
- Indian Reservations
- Feathers

Fighting and drunk, however, are two words that don't come to my mind. When I looked out the window the other day I saw a group of Native Americans fighting. They were all shouting incoherently at each other and looked like they were fighting. Then I realized they were drunk. Then they started hugging each other. Then it looked like they were fighting again, but maybe it was something I didn't understand. At least they almost had a balance between fighting and hugging. That has to count for something right?

Sugar

2010-01-18T15:00:00.001-08:00

Jabron likes to try to "steal some sugar" as he calls it. I wish he were talking about real sugar, or brown sugar, or any kind of sugar that one can bake with. But he is referring to a different kind of sugar. This is a normal conversation held between a girl and Jabron

Jabron: Hey baby. I miss you
Female: Hey
Jabron: Miss you
Female: Yup
Jabron: Miss you
Female: Miss you too
Jabron: Now give me some sugar
Female: no
Jabron: Miss you

and this can go on for another 5 minutes. Today I was carrying supplies. My arms were full and I could barely see over the pile of cups I was holding. That's when Jabron approached without my noticing. Then he came over and kissed me on the cheek. I was so startled and horrified at the same time that I dropped everything in my hands. And that's when he spurted out his signature comment "I stole me some sugar!"

I guess I must have told people that I would be handing out free sugar all day because later, Panamanian Disguise came and tried to take some away from me too. He wanted it in the form of a wave and blown kiss. Unfortunately, (for a random passerby) he was waving so frantically that he knocked a girl in the face. No sugar for you Panama.

Mission Accomplished

2010-01-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

As you've heard me before, I like to complain a bit about Hawaiian day. They just keep coming back. They are like an annoying dog that won't go away, maybe one can put them in the same category as SoyJoys. This time, however, it was much better. These people didn't' take their job overly seriously and so instead of playing for 4 hours straight, took a few breaks. I was feeling so happy and excited about Hawaii that I almost didn't notice Silver Fox walk in. Luckily I came too right in time.

SF: So you're still here?
Me: Of course! Just waiting for you
SF: Does your father know you talk like that
Me: Yes, that's why he pays me so much. I just rake in the customers
SF: You are nuts
Me: (only for you)
SF: So I see you got a lei
Me: Yes I did. It's a special one too. Inside a flower was a ticket for a free trip to Hawaii
SF: No kidding
Me: Yup. I can go with 5 friends
SF: So when are you leaving
Me: Tomorrow morning
SF: Oh really
Me: Yes. I am getting picked up in the morning by my private plane.
SF: So is that all part of the deal?
Me: Yes
SF: So are you just going by yourself
Me: No, you are going too. Have to meet here at the caffe at 6am though, then we will catch our limo to the private plane

And then he smiled at me, told me he would be there at 6am sharp, and the old man in line behind him said he would be there too. Now that's what I call Mission accomplished

Divorce

2010-01-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

I don't really know much about divorce. I know that you have to file papers. I also know that divorce means you become separated from someone you were previously with. Other than that, I don't know anything else. Well, I guess I also know that it starts with the letter D and ends with an E.

Short man enters...

Shorty: I just saved a lot of money today
Me: That's great. I love it when that happens
Shorty: Yeah I saved $280 dollars
Me: Wow that's a lot of money. How did you do that?
Shorty: I filed for divorce!
Me: That's all you got?
Shorty: No, that was how much the paperwork cost.
Me: ummm, ok
Shorty: But I don't make enough to pay that, so I saw the judge
Me: Fancy
Shorty: Then I explained how I don't make any money and he stamped my papers saying I don't have to pay the divorce application fee
Me: Almost like college. So what would you like? Something to celebrate?
Shorty: a tea. Do you have chai?
Me: Would you like a chai tea latte?
Shorty: No. I want the cheap tea. The kind that comes in a bag

And that's the thing about divorce. It usually costs $280 but sometimes it's free.

Audio Books

2010-01-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

I think bus drivers are very interesting.

First, they can drive a bus.
Second, they deal with more crazies than I do on a daily basis.
Third, they get to speak through a microphone.
Four, they tend to be crazy themselves.

Then there is Fred, formerly a rock star musician, now a bus driver. For the longest time he referred to me as the Italian. No matter how many times I would tell him I wasn't Italian, he still continued to begin every single order with "Ciao Bella." Maybe from all his days as a rock star, his hearing has gone and he wasn't ignoring me, but rather, couldn't hear me tell him I wasn't Italian.

Today he started talking in a Scottish accent. I know for a fact he is not Scottish nor does he have an accent. Naturally, I ask why today he has an accent.

Fred: Oh Darling. It's because I have just written a novel
Me: Wow, that's impressive. So is this your way to advertise your book?
Fred: It's actually an audio book.
Me: Ok. And the accent is for...?
Fred: I am going to be reading the book, so I have to practice my accent
Me: I don't think you need a Scottish accent to read a book
Fred: Oh Darling...It's for one of the characters. I have to speak like a Scottish man during the day if I want the character to come to life.
Me: That makes sense. Of course.
Fred: I heard that if you practice enough, then it comes naturally. I don't want to be making any mistakes while speaking in the microphone
Me: So, what's your book about?
Fred: It's actually part of a trilogy. Science Fiction. I don't mean to brag but it's going to be as great as Star Wars.

Unless all the characters have accents, I know I won't be listening to his book on tape.

Selling

2010-01-12T16:32:00.001-08:00

There are lots of things someone can sell.

- phone cards
- cakes
- candy bars
- Clothes
- coffee

Usually when I am working, I am the one selling things. I try to sell lots of things using my good sales techniques. Today, however, someone came in trying to sell something to me. This something was a box of batteries.

Vendor: You want to buy some batteries?
Me: No thanks
Vendor: But they're batteries
Me: Yes they are
Vendor: So you wanna buy them then?
Me: No. I don't need batteries
Vendor: yes you do
Me: Do you want to buy some coffee?
Vendor: No
Me: Why not?
Vendor: Batteries
Me: You don't need batteries when you have coffee

And then he walked away. I almost had him

Fake Tans

2010-01-11T21:37:00.000-08:00

Tanning is an interesting concept. It's ok when it's real, but when it's fake, then it's pretty ugly. I saw the fakest tanned lady in my life. She was also in her 50s. I wanted to talk to her about her health but then got distracted by somebody calling out my name. I looked up to see who this could possibly be and was shocked to see Goldteeth. He has returned. This is why I should own a motorcycle. Then I could join a motorcycle gang, look tough, and wear a cool leather jacket with my name on the back, and be able to hop on my bike and leave whenever Goldteeth is in a nearby vicinity.

Hi Drunky

2010-01-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

Unannounced to me, today was another day celebrating Hawaii. I like Hawaii. I want to go there. I just don't want to listen to the same Hawaiian music on repeat for 4 hours. I should have taken this as a sign that today was going to be an "interesting" day but I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt.

First entered a man who smelled horrible. He wanted a coffee so I got it ready for him. When I tried to get his money, it looked as if he was stuck trying to count. I waited. Then I waited some more. Then I thought he had fallen asleep, so I took the bills for him. When began to tip over at the counter, I realized that no, he doesn't have a sleeping problem, he is just drunk. Then I imagined the conversation I would have with him.

Me: Hey there buddy. Thirsty?
Drunk: Heya. Really thirsty. Give me a brewsky
Me: I don't serve those here. But I wish I did. I would have one too
Drunk: Oh don't worry, I have a couple in my pocket
Me: Perfect
Drunk: Do you have a bottle opener?
Me: No, only a can opener
Drunk: That's ok. I can use my teeth
Me: Wow, what a man.
Drunk: I've had practice.

And I couldn't even think of the rest of the conversation because I was interrupted by his presence a 2nd time. And this time he had poo smeared on his face.

Breaking Diets

2010-01-08T07:15:00.000-08:00

There is a younger, military man who comes in almost every single day. I like to secretly call him Sven. He usually gets the same thing. For the first month, every single day he came in to buy a yogurt parfait. Then the 2nd month, he started to add in a bottle of water. At 3 months, he threw in a banana too. Recently, he's started to show up sweaty and also in a t-shirt. I couldn't quite figure out how this could be. I was always freezing in 5 shirts and a sweatshirt.

Me: I'm impressed with your ability to wear short sleeves in such weather.
Sven: Yes. It's because I have started to work out
Me: Oh that's great. I guess working out will make you hot
Sven: I've started to run, getting myself into shape
Me: I think it's an excellent plan
Sven: It's hard to run with my backpack. Especially with my computer
Me: Yes, I would agree
Sven: I'm also trying to eat healthier. It's my New Years resolution
Me: I always forget to make those. I think you're doing a great job on eating healthier.
Sven: Thanks. I feel good.
Me: When you get a 6-pack, let me know. I'll tell you my evaluation of it.

5 minutes later...

Me: Hey Sven, do you want to try a little bit of a milkshake
Sven: Sure
Me: Do you like coffee though?
Sven: Not really. (after a comment like that, how he first decided to come into the caffe, I have no idea)
Me: Well, it's an espresso milkshake but it's not that strong
Sven: Wow, this is delicious

Then the next day guess who ordered an espresso milkshake instead of the usual banana and yogurt? Oops. And he got it with whipped cream.

Speaking of breaking diets, poor Shoniqua hasn't been able to keep hers for even a day. Those damn cobbler bars.

Missing Teeth

2010-01-06T22:53:00.001-08:00

I wish I didn't have to deal with a lot of crazy people on a daily basis, but unfortunately, I do. These crazy people today didn't have front teeth. They also liked to sing at the counter, and no, they didn't have good voices. And then I had to kick out two people. I felt bad at first but not when they started asking all my customers for their money.

Judy's Big Day

2010-01-05T15:16:00.001-08:00

Big Day can mean lots of things. Big Day can mean

- win the lottery
- Land a new job
- Have a baby
- find a boyfriend (or girlfriend)
- win at a circus game

But for Judy, big day means something totally different. For Judy big day means

- She purchased 3 egg nog lattes
- She also purchased 2 hot dogs
- She did it all with lipstick on her teeth

Congratulations Judy.

Accomplishments

2010-01-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

Today was a day of accomplishments.

1) Humpty Dumpty came in and bought his very first coffee. Though it was the smallest cup of coffee ever, he made an actual effort to become a customer. Then he called me "Dear." I let it go the first time. But then he called me "dear" 4 more times. Excuse me Humpty Dumpty but the word "dear" should be reserved for your little bicycle pants.

2) Confused Gerbil #2 professed another accomplishment to me today. I learned that he was married multiple times. Usually bigger numbers means more accomplishments, but sometimes it can mean the opposite. For example, the more times you have been married doesn't count. But then again, weddings are fun. Confused Gerbil wanted to talk about multiple marriages, I assume, because he brought it up without me asking. He professed "third time's a charm," but then immediately took that back because now he's on his 4th wife. And I guess he never really did write poetry, he just spoke at funerals, and sometimes he rhymed.

3) Judy bought her largest amount of Egg Nog lattes at one time. She purchased three 20 oz lattes then stood at the counter while I helped the next customer. The next customer was a man. After he left, she told me to be careful, because men are scary. Right Judy. The scariest kind of man is one who orders a double Irish cream latte.

New Year Celebrations

2010-01-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

Most people have New Years Day off from work. I, fortunately, got to work. I didn't mind too much because people were very thankful for having me be there and therefore were extra nice. The nicest customers of the day were the ones who were still drunk. Three guys showed up and at first they looked hungover from the previous evening's activities, but within a few seconds, I realized they were actually just still drunk. They let me select all their beverages and then the just kept throwing more money in my tip jar. I wish everybody was drunk all the time every day.

Cleaning

2009-12-31T07:04:00.000-08:00

There are obviously a lot of things that I love. Some of them are normal things like gifts and surprises, and other things aren't quite as obvious, something such as cleaning. But I love cleaning. I also love organizing. I like to say "I love to do my Cs and Os!" But there are only certain types of cleaning that I like since cleaning can fall into many categories. These categories can be but are not limited to:

- dentistry
- janitorial
- Plumbing
- Chimney Sweeping
- Pipe cleaning
- Zoo keeping
- Gardeners
- Doctors
- People similar to Cinderella

I like to do the cleaning work of Cinderella but only for myself, and also not sweeping, mopping, or dusting. Mostly I like to just clean my own room. Jabron, on the other hand, even though he is a janitor, doesn't like to clean at all. I think part of it is because he can't bend down over his large stomach to pick up any trash. But today he informed me of another kind of cleaning he was getting done. That's when he told me he was going in for his colonoscopy. Too much information Jabron. Way too much information.

Hugs

2009-12-30T21:33:00.001-08:00

In order to be completely happy, one must hug at least 8 people a day. This is a proven point. I know this because I thought it up right now and it seems like a viable theory. In saying this, I decided to try and promote this theory. When I was out of something, like a pastry or bagel for example, I would give the customer in need a coupon. The customer of course was looking for a coupon for a free bagel or muffin, but instead I wrote, good for 1 free hug compliments of coffee princess. Sometimes they were confused, but when I put my arms out for their hug, they saw the light. Unfortunately, I only gave out 3 hugs today, but it made me happier than when I hugged nobody, so I can only imagine how one would feel hugging 8 people.

Then confused Gerbil #2 showed up. I didn't want to give him a hug. After talking about boxing for the hundredth time, he decided to mention to me that he used to write poetry for funerals. I don't see where the connection between poetry and boxing lies, but it must be there somewhere. I guess I should have given him a hug.

First Aid

2009-12-28T17:36:00.001-08:00

Today I performed First Aid. Good thing I have had practice with my own finger. A construction worker came in with a huge cut. He had slipped with a drill and managed to drill his own hand. Instead of covering it properly, he had his hand wrapped in duct tape. Naturally, I asked why he had duct tape on his hand. First I thought warts, but then I saw the damage. I told him that duct tape isn't a good method to heal a cut so then I performed CPR and gave him a band-aid. Just kidding about the CPR bit. That would have been a riot though. If only I was part of Girl Scouts and then I could have gotten a badge.

Christmas Gifts

2009-12-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

Now is the time for gifts. Well, actually, I think gifts should happen all year round but then everybody would be poor, so I will accept gift exchanges only a couple times a year. These couple of times meaning all holidays, including my half-birthday. Today I received lots of Christmas gifts so obviously I was extremely excited. A lot of these gifts came in monetary donations. Others were random objects such as a periodic table place mat. This gift was from Panamanian Disguise. I have to say I prefer a place mat to a loofah so his gift was very much appreciated. And then there was a customer who wanted me to give him a gift. He didn't get the memo that I don't do that on Today, I just receive. For his gift he wanted my shirt. I think a better gift for him would be a nice big slap across the face, all in good holiday spirit of course. After all, his cheek would be red in honor of Christmas!

GingerSNAP!

2009-12-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

In honor of Christmas I have felt in a very giving mood. I also have decided that it would be fun to be a baker or a chef. Sometimes in my house I pretend I am on Iron Chef competing against myself mostly. This makes cooking a lot more fun. It also could potentially make you look crazy if you are seen talking to yourself. I make sure not to look crazy. So during this particular episode of Iron Chef Coffee Princess I made gingersnaps. I thought it would be a good idea to quadruple the recipe. This turned out to be a great idea because I got a workout at the same time with the dough weighing a good ten pounds. After I made over a 100 cookies I brought them in for the judges, also known as my customers. This was also my secret plan to increase sales because people would smell the cookies and want to come in. I think my cookies were winners because they brought me bonus tips and there's nothing I love more than tips with a bonus in front of it! Now that's what I call a great day.

Whip topping

2009-12-22T23:24:00.000-08:00

When deciding between two things, one real, one fake, some people like to choose the fake. Some examples of this are maple syrup, cheese, Christmas trees, and whip cream. Some people just prefer the more artificial version. I know this because for a short period I was obsessed with Velveeta Cheese. Unfortunately, I never got to try it, but that is not the point. A couple ordered mochas today and specially requested them to be topped with "whip topping." In all my years I had never heard this before. I am not sure what whip topping is but I would like to see what it looks like. I wonder if you scoop it from a tub or if it squirts from a can? I gave them whip cream instead, they didn't seem to mind.

Shortly thereafter came a man clearly on drugs. I didn't know this until he changed his drink 3 times while I was making it. After I threw out the 3rd one, I decided to give him my best annoyed look. I think it worked because he said "I'm sorry miss, I'm not trying to be difficult." I said "really? because you're not doing that great a job at it." Then when I was putting the lid on his drink for what I thought was the last time, he tried to change it again. I told him "No" so then he ordered a hot dog.

Wallets

2009-12-21T23:21:00.000-08:00

I love wallets. I think they are so fun. They come in all sizes and styles so you can never really get bored with one. That's why I make sure to have at least 5. Split up my money and cards so it's always like I am finding money which is the best feeling. Just kidding. I don't do this but I think it is a pretty good idea. I just need to make enough money to afford 5 wallets first and then I can start this plan. On another note, I found a wallet today. It was small, black, and leather. I looked through it and realized that the guy is a customer at the caffe. So I saved it for him and he came back to get it. Then he ordered a mocha. Then he tipped me $20 for my good deed. Can I make a job out of finding wallets and returning them? I wonder.

Flight Attendants

2009-12-18T14:33:00.000-08:00

There is a man who is the supervisor of the area. I like to refer to him as Italian Stallion. Not really because he looks like an Italian Stallion but because he thinks he is one. Every time he comes into the caffe he tells me that he is Italian and he once was a flight attendant. I am not sure what this proves, but it must be something that I haven't yet figured out. Today, however, Italian Stallion came running in the caffe with a present for me. You know how I love presents. This present was a 2 pound box of chocolate truffles topped with a sparkly bow. Then he reiterated that he was a flight attendant for 20 years and how he knows women. Really knows them. Knows them so well that he said "there are 2 things that women love, chocolate and strawberries." In his mind, women cannot resist these things. Speaking personally, he is correct. But I have other friends who think otherwise. So I informed him "well, actually, I have some friends who don't like chocolate." He ignored this comeback and repeated that he was a flight attendant and gave all "his women" chocolate and strawberries for Valentine's Day. Then he informed me that he was allergic to strawberries. I responded with "sorry to hear that. My sister is allergic to raspberries." Then he continued "everything swells up when I eat them. EVERYTHING." I didn't respond. That unfortunately didn't deter him. "all the women threatened to feed me strawberries and hold me down just to see my _____ swell. They wanted to see how big it could really get." I tried to hide my face of total disgust but I wasn't too successful. All I could do was say "good thing I don't have any strawberries here."

the Bleeder

2009-12-17T14:32:00.000-08:00

I maybe had a bit too much coffee. Or maybe I had not enough. One way or the other, I wasn't functioning on a normal level. All the police officers were sitting in the caffe enjoying their coffee and invited me to sit down with them. I resisted at first but then decided, this could be fun (after all, I still am working to get a badge). I brought over some boxes that I was supposed to collapse. With no fingernails it's a bit difficult to break down a cardboard box. That's when all the cops pulled out their knives. There are a few things I am scared of: snakes, guns, balding, and knives. Little cop was sitting next to me and told me to use his knife. So I did. And then in my slightly scared state, I hit my finger. I was hoping that it was with the butt of the knife so I quickly moved my finger underneath the table so I could look at it in private. I was hoping nobody would notice but the look on the cops faces made me realize that I probably did cut my finger. So I looked. And sure enough, sliced it right through to the knuckle. This was pretty gross. Good thing I was wearing a red shirt. Then little cop felt bad.

LC: I feel bad
Me: Well you should. It's your fault
LC: Maybe you should learn how to use a knife
Me: Maybe I should.
LC: I feel like I should take you out to dinner
Me: I feel like you shouldn't. Plus I only eat at Morton's steak house
LC: I guess I will have to work a little overtime
Me: Lots of overtime because I like to eat lobsters and steaks. I've got an appetite
LC: I really feel like I should take you to dinner. I feel so bad
Me: I think I've already been tortured enough for the night
LC: It's my last day here, you know? I'm really going to miss you
Me: Well, you can always come back. The caffe will still be here
LC: Yeah, but I'm going to have to start studying at the academy.
Me: Sorry I can't talk to you anymore. I've lost too much blood.

Sexy Hats

2009-12-16T23:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I like to play a game with myself. This game consists of me coming up with two things that don't go together. Some examples of this are

- elephants and mosquitos
- toothpick legs and egg-shaped bodies
- Transit Drivers and everybody else

Crazy bus driver came in today. He usually sticks to flipping his long gray hair like a girl at the counter, but today, he took it one step further. Today, he brought out a comb and began to brush his hair. This is quite disgusting. It was even more disgusting when I found his hair on the counter. While I was vomiting in my mouth he took the time to comment on my hat. My hat was an orange knitted hat with some flowers on it. I considered it cute. He called it sexy. I am not sure how a knit cap can be sexy, but he kept going. He then told me his whole heritage (knowing that I like foreigners) and asked me if it was enough foreign for me. He had me at Cherokee Indian.

Then I met a taxi driver minus a license. Not sure how this one works out but I am guessing in Ethiopia you must not need a license to drive a car. Sounds fun.

wobbly toothpicks

2009-12-15T01:09:00.000-08:00

Toothpicks are great for picking your teeth. They are not great for supporting things, especially if that thing is heavy and also a person. I am referring to the Egg on toothpicks. He has a bit of a balance problem I have noticed. The last time he was in the caffe he almost fell off the chair. This time he was holding a drink (not from the caffe), ran into a chair, knocked it over and then spilled his drink all over the floor. I would have wanted to punch his face but I was so amused by his toothpick legs that I let it go this time. Then he just marched behind the counter and grabbed some towels. Apparently he thinks he is allowed to do whatever he wants, including go behind the counter like an employee. He needs to do a few more lunges before he can become an employee. I am afraid his legs might collapse underneath a case of water.

Gifts

2009-12-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

Today was the day of gifts. It wasn't exactly my birthday but I pretended it was. Nobody really knew that I was pretending but I secretly celebrated it in my head. In honor of my "birthday" I received some hand warmers. These warmers were from Panamanian Disguise. Normally I would love this gift because I'm always cold, but then Panamanian Disguise also called me his girlfriend at which I decided I didn't like receiving gifts from him. Fortunately, it was followed shortly thereafter by a bucket of popcorn from another customer. And I love popcorn so I was feeling pretty good. Then to finish off my day, I met a young man who had a similar background to myself. I was getting excited about this because I thought, hey, maybe this guy wants to be my friend. But then he asked if he could take me to coffee sometime. Newsflash sir Robin, I work in a coffee shop, don't really want to go to one for a date. But I still gave him my phone number.

Shoniqua and her new diet

2009-12-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

I thought that Shoniqua was still involved with her diet. I am always confused by this because one day it's a diet, the next day she is giving up. I think today was one of those give up days because she came into the caffe a total of 3 times today. The first time was for a 20 oz. hot chocolate with extra whip cream and a cup of noodle. Diet Off. The 2nd time was for some apple slices. Diet back on. The third time was for a cobbler dessert bar. Diet back off. Then the final time she came back for one more cobbler dessert bar because the first one was so good. Diet still off. It's a good thing she can be so flexible. I wonder what tomorrow will hold?

The 4 cent tip

2009-12-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows how much I love tips. I mean, who wouldn't? I think I would also really love a job that didn't have tips. A job that involves perhaps an office, salary, and normal hours. You can imagine how much I love it when people say "so you went to an ivy league college...and you're working here?" That usually is my favorite comment. Today a man said "God, I hope my son doesn't end up like you. I'm not paying for his college to end up working at a caffe." Thanks mister. He paid for his coffee with a credit card. There is a line for a tip. I saw that he put something on the tip line. I said a premature "thank you" and as he walked out he told me "good luck paying back those student loans." Then I looked at the tip line and he had given me a 0.04 tip. I hope his son doesn't end up working in a caffe, I hope he ends up there. Luckily I didn't have to feel bad for too long because the next guy in line wrote down his phone number and passed it to me across the counter. He then told me "if I really wanted to pay back those loans, to give him a call because he has a great job for me." I don't know why today everybody was so concerned about me and my education. Maybe tomorrow I will find an official sponsor for grad school.

Gerbils love to dig

2009-12-09T22:01:00.000-08:00

When people are bored, they like to do different things. Some imagine night clubs they wish they owned. Some think about food they are going to make later. Some think about coffee or alcohol, and some think of animals. Perhaps I fall into a few of these categories, but more importantly, when I'm bored I like to picture people as animals. There are two who no matter what, always come up as the same animal. This animal I call "confused gerbil." Since there are 2 of them I will call them confused gerbil #1 and confused gerbil #2.

Confused Gerbil #1 is an older lady who no matter what the weather is, is seen wearing sweat pants and snow boots and carrying a suitcase. I have never bothered to ask where she is coming from or where she is going, mostly because I don't want to interrupt the conversation she is having with herself. I like to watch her, as she watches the wall or the window, sipping her coffee, and I think "hello there confused gerbil #1, would you like a wheel to play on while you wait for your ride?"

Confused Gerbil #2 is actually an employee in the area. He is a very fast talker, has been punched a few times in the face (true fact) and really enjoys repeating himself. His hair is usually cut into a pseudo-mullet and his favorite word to say is "sweet." The first time I saw him as Confused Gerbil #2 was when he started to talk to one of the mannequins in the caffe. They are actually not mannequins but rather paper cut outs of people in a life-size form. They don't look 3-D nor look like real people (unless it's extremely dark out). Today he was even more of a Confused Gerbil when he was ordering at the counter. Actually, he doesn't have to order because I know his drink, so, unfortunately for me, he stands there and talks at me. I was wearing a shirt that said "Joe, is that you?" in reference to coffee. He repeated my shirt then shouted, No, Joe, it's me, Confused Gerbil #2. Oh to be confused and also a gerbil.

the Cigarette Plan

2009-12-08T22:52:00.001-08:00

I am not a very big fan of smoking. Sometimes it's ok, but not when a person starts to smell only like smoke and their teeth turn black. Then I find this habit a bit on the disgusting side of things. On the other hand, I have a plan. This plan involves cigarettes. Lots of people come into the caffe looking for cigarettes. Of course we don't sell them. I don't know a single caffe that would sell cigarettes unless you are in a caffe in Europe. So, I got to thinking, why don't I sell cigarettes on the side? I can store them in my apron and when someone asks me, I can hand them over a pack and say $10. Then I can also sell nicorette gum in case they want to kick this habit. I realized the importance of nicorette gum today when a lady came into the caffe in a horrible mood. She was very rude and scattered. I gave her a drink as fast as I could, then she "forgot" to tip me, and then knocked over all the straws and left them for me to pick up. I was on the verge of punching her in the face but she walked out of the caffe just in time. That's when I noticed she had dropped her nicorette gum on the counter. Must have forgotten to chew a piece today. And that's why I must always have a stock of nicorette gum. This experience taught me just how important that stuff is and how great my side business is going to do.

Tramp Stamp

2009-12-07T22:51:00.000-08:00

Tattoos are a fascinating phenomenon. Sometimes they look good, but lots of times, I just don't really like them. I saw an old man without his shirt on and on his back was a tattoo of a naked lady sitting on a stool. It was also saggy. Then there are the Jersey Shore boys. They love the barbed wire and "tribal" tattoos. What does these tribal tattoos mean? I might ask someone. But nobody has an interesting answer. I usually get peace, love, faith, or justice. There is a special kind of tattoo. These tattoos are called tramp stamps. They are located on the lower back, usually on women, but I think men can be tramps too, just to make things equal.

Today I was wearing a shirt underneath a sweater. The sleeves look similar to tattoos. For the day, I pretended I had "sleeves" (as is the tattoo term). Bernard, an older man with children and a wife, walks in and says, "hey beautiful! I thought for a second you had tattoos all up your arms." I responded, "nope," it's just my shirt. Then he continued "so why do you have the tramp stamps on today?" To which I said "excuse me? tramp stamps?" Given his age, he didn't actually know what or where a tramp stamp is located. Definitely not on the arms. Sorry Bernard, though the wrist is said to be very sensual in Ancient Chinese culture. I thought he would stop. But he ended on one last big bang "so, do you have a tramp stamp?" Then I gave him my final line "Do your daughters have tramp stamps?" He quickly changed subjects to aggressive driving classes. Apparently his son got in trouble by the Police. I bet he was distracted by his sister's tramp stamp.

Humpty Dumpty

2009-12-04T23:33:00.000-08:00

Humpty Dumpty isn't one of my favorite stories but I still enjoy it as if it were. Sometimes I look at people and envision what they would be as animals. And other times, I picture them as foods that have legs and arms and maybe dance. There is a man who is a bit bigger on top and has these tiny stick legs. I like to picture him as an egg on toothpicks. On a good day, I see him as a muffin with dancing legs. This is a good thing because I can't help but smile every time he passes the caffe (and doesn't come in). Today, however, he had a change of heart and decided to come in. Instead of sitting at a table with chairs, he wanted to try the counter with the stools. I hear a crash, and down goes the stool. I immediately thought "humpy dumpty had a great fall." I expected to see him on the ground, but luckily it was just the chair. Unfortunately for him, I now like to quietly sing about humpty dumpy's great fall. It's too bad I don't actually remember how the story goes, only the part where he falls, so I just repeat that over and over again. Maybe sometime I will give him a performance while standing on a table. I think this is a good idea.

Riding Horses

2009-12-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

There are lots of people who can ride horses. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I can count the number of times I have been horse riding on one hand. I also don't really like taking care of horses. I had to clean up after a dog and almost puked so you can imagine my reaction to horses. You can also imagine my shock when a man asked me if I rode horses. I don't know how he would think that. I answered "no." Then he told me that I looked like I would be an equestrian. I wonder what the "equestrian look" is. I didn't have to think more than a few seconds before he told me that I stood like I rode horses. I must stand bow legged, which does not speak well for me. But then I also remembered that I had my legs crossed at the time, so maybe I ride horses sitting side saddle, and that's pretty cool. I can go for that.

As I was thinking about my future as a horseback rider, I apparently neglected a customer. She sat in the corner of the caffe shouting at me to put more whip cream on her drink. First off, her drink didn't come with whip cream. Secondly, she couldn't even come up to the counter to ask for more whip cream. Thirdly, she should be on the same wagon as the other customers and skip the whip cream since you can lose 40 lbs a year from not having it.

Massages

2009-12-02T23:20:00.001-08:00

Another thing I love are massages. I can't get enough of them. Usually a massage for me consists of me leaning up against a chair or corner of a wall and trying to massage my muscles. This is the most discrete way to get a massage in a public place, in my opinion. It usually doesn't do that much but it's great to tell people, "oh yes, I just came from my massage." This is great because it is true and people won't question you and will assume you came from a spa. This gives you high-class. The way not to receive a massage is from a random stranger at the counter of a caffe when you are ordering your drink. Inappropriate. The "masseuse" looked like the crazy guy from the movie "The Wedding Singer." Then he told me that he could give me one too. Inappropriate. For the next 5 minutes I watched them animatedly talk about massages. I prefer my wall corner.

Hot Dog

2009-12-01T00:33:00.000-08:00

Judy has shifted her purchasing recently. Instead of a cookie with her coffee she now likes to buy hot dogs. Most people buy just one hot dog to eat for lunch. Judy, however, buys 2 hot dogs. One for now, the other for later. I am not sure why she wouldn't just come back when she wanted another one, so she can have it fresh, but I guess she LOVES the microwave. I will admit, microwaving is fun, but not that fun. Also, I don't think she should be eating 2 hot dogs a day. Seems like a bit of an unbalance. The good thing about this, however, is that I had more time to try to see what is in her rolly suitcase. I kept looking over the counter to try to see, but I still have no idea what she carries in there. I am so curious. I am going to pretend she has a cat in there and lots of lipstick. That seems reasonable.

Whip Cream

2009-11-30T00:32:00.000-08:00

Whip Cream is so much fun. It's not just for drinks. You can use whip cream for pies, face masks, shirt decorations, and potentially as a PSR. After Thanksgiving, however, everybody wants to forget about whip cream. Apparently they have decided to start their diets before the next Holiday comes around. This makes me sad because sometimes I like to surprise people by putting the whip cream on top of the lid, instead of in the cup. I consider this more fun for both me and the customer. One customer informed me that if you cut out whip cream for a year, you can lose 40 lbs. "Ok, I am listening," I thought. I also thought, you can lose 40 lbs in a year if you stop eating like a horse. Then he started to talk about Subway and how dumb the workers are. I tried to agree with him but he kept talking and cut me off. Then he spoke to me like I was dumb too. Good thing I hid his whip cream on the bottom of his drink. Now who's the smart one?

Then Silver Fox walked in, looking good as usual. He started by purchasing an apple. Then by the end of our conversation he had bought a bag of nuts, a drink, and a cliff bar. I decided he's either trying to win my heart or I am a good salesperson.

PSRs

2009-11-26T23:20:00.000-08:00

A PSR is a great thing. PDA, on the other hand, is not. It usually makes me really uncomfortable. Actually, it only makes me uncomfortable when I have to watch the PDA occurring. If I am involved, then please disregard my previous comments. A couple came up to the counter and I had to interrupt them several times to get their order. The first time, it's cute, then after that, it's annoying. Plus I feel like a creep watching them make-out at the counter, but unfortunately, I can't look anywhere else. When I finally got their drinks, they proceeded to the corner of the caffe where they could continue to make-out and straddle each other. I think that tomorrow I will have to put up a sign that says "Make-Out to Break-Out" because nobody wants acne.

What is a PSR? one might ask. A PSR is a Possible Sexual Reference. These are much more fun and less awkward.

For example, if you were to make a PSR to somebody you could say:

- I have to grab some extra napkins from the back room, care to join?
- I love men with manly hands
- I think you dropped something...
- send me a textual later? (textual is also code for text message, but put in this context, it sounds more sexual, therefore making it a PSR)

the Grinder

2009-11-25T00:25:00.000-08:00

If we played word association these are some of the things you might come up with when I say "the Grinder."

- Hot dancer
- One who likes to grind
- Bump and Grind
- meat
- R. Kelly
- Espresso machine

Our grinder (for the espresso machine) keeps breaking. It's quite annoying when this happens. Usually it happens during rush hour which always makes for an even more fun situation. Tatiana gets the most annoyed with the grinder. I found this out today when I picked up the supply list.
This is her list:

- honey
- spoons
- sugar
- gums
- new grinder
- sexi man

I think I prefer the last item. If only we kept them in storage. I know I would do a lot more restocking ;)

Flared Jeans

2009-11-24T00:07:00.000-08:00

Flared jeans are a look that has come back into style. You can see them on most women. Also skinny jeans and bootcut but I am not talking about those right now. Flared jeans can come in a variety of styles. You can get them with sequins, flap pockets, flowers, and even lace. Today I made the best discovery. This discovery was about flared jeans. I noticed that newspaper man was wearing a pair. These were also accompanied by white k-swiss tennis shoes. I would have thought he was a 12 year old girl had he not been wearing a neon vest. This outfit made me so happy I decided to try to talk to him today. However, our conversation consisted of the same old things. He wanted 9 cokes, I told him I wanted all his newspapers, he put the newspapers on my counter, then told me to go home. "I'd like to," I said. Then he said "ok. Go home now." And then miraculously, I got "extremely" busy and had to cut the conversation short. Sorry newspaper guy.

the Biggest Cookie

2009-11-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

Judy is completely ridiculous. I knew that. Everybody knows that, but today she outdid herself. She came in tonight when I was closing to tell me to write up a note for the morning person. She wanted the note to say "Save the biggest oatmeal cookie with the most stuff for Judy." She didn't seem to think this was ridiculous. I asked her to please write a note for me. I wanted the note to say "no."

Then a regular customer came in and handed me a book. I love books. I love them almost as much as I love surprises but not as much as I love a book that is given to me as a surprise. But then I looked at the title of the book, "done." Interesting name I thought. But then I saw the smaller print. "what most religions don't tell you about the bible..." I don't really like this book. This is also the 3rd religious book I have received this year so I am starting to wonder what impression I must give to people. Probably one close to angelic. Probably.

Cologne

2009-11-20T19:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, you can have too much of a good thing.

Good things that you can't have too much of:
- clothes
- coffee
- dance moves
- books
- heat
- foreign boyfriends

Good things that you can have too much of:
- hair
- alcohol
- cologne

A little squirt of cologne or perfume is delicious. I love it when someone walks by and leaves a little scent after them. I think it's really cute. Even for guys, unless they are wearing Axe which doesn't really smell that good. I almost couldn't make a coffee today because a man misunderstood how to use his cologne. I think he thought one squirt meant when you take off the top and dump half the bottle on your head. I held my breath while I made his coffee and as he sauntered off, his smell remained with me. And then I came up with a new word. Stell, which is a mixture of stench and smell. I think it could also be smech but stell sounds better.

Then Silver Fox came in. He's back. And he's still just as gorgeous if not moreso than before. Now that's some serious man candy. If only I could bottle him up and make that into a cologne.

Fingernails

2009-11-19T18:48:00.000-08:00

Everybody has fingernails. Unless something is wrong with their hand, usually the fingernail is on top of the finger. Sometimes people are missing fingers and therefore don't have as many fingernails as a normal hand person, but that is ok. Still acceptable.

I am always fascinated by peoples hands. Maybe it's because mine are so beat up that I stare at other peoples. Currently the fingertips are burned off and each finger is sliced from things such as plastic yogurt containers, espresso grates, and knives.

For women, my favorite hands are:
- soft
- small
- mid length nails
- air-brushed nail design
- nails painted with an electric color

For men, my favorite hands are:
- manly

For some reason today, there were a lot of interesting hands that touched the counter. Unfortunately all the men's hands were everything but manly. Sad (mostly for me because I had to look at that). I guess besides crazy eyes, I have a pet peeve with men and their fingernails. I don't care if you are musician, you can still play the drums and/or guitar with shorter fingernails. That one long pinky nail isn't going to change much.

The thing about wearing a skirt

2009-11-18T18:38:00.000-08:00

Skirts are great.
1) It rhymes with shirts
2) they can be long or short
3) They come in a variety of sizes
4) Guys love skirts
5) Girls love skirts
6) It's easy to wear spandex underneath one

Tatiana, after hearing my story about Jean Claude, decided that what I really needed was to wear a skirt. This was the one thing that would get him to ask me out. I was hoping that my personality, looks, or intelligence might be one of the factors, but the skirt easily won out. So to honor Tatiana's wishes, I wore a skirt. Actually I wore a sweater dress over leggings but the effect was almost the same. And what happened? I got asked out by Jean Claude. I guess she knows what she's talking about. Jean Claude tried to make the date for Friday. I was busy. Then he suggested Saturday. I was busy. Then he remembered it was his birthday. He was busy. Then he tried for the week after. I would be out of town. We both considered meeting up in 3 weeks but for some reason that seems ridiculous to plan a date a month in advance. I guess one could put it in the same category as making a dentist appointment.

Presents

2009-11-17T22:56:00.001-08:00

I love presents. Love love love them. They are one of my most favorite things in the whole world. I don’t even care if the present it wrapped. I consider presents to be similar to surprises so it rates very high on my personal scale of greatness. I used to stay awake on Christmas Eve so that I would be the first one to check out all the presents. I would wait for “Santa” to deliver and then check out the goods. Of course this got me into trouble one time when I realized that “Santa” had delivered only the presents and left the stockings. Then I heard my mother downstairs. As I was hiding behind a wall, I saw her fill the stockings. I realized that my excitement for presents could not be deterred whether Santa exists or not.

I must have shared my love for presents too much because today I got a lot of them for no apparent reason. First I got a trinket from someone’s trip to New Orleans, then a customer delivered me dinner, and by the end of the day, the same guy who gave me a taster of sake gave me an entire bottle. Amazing. What a great day. I wonder what my actual birthday will be like.

The thief is caught

2009-11-16T22:34:00.001-08:00

I utilized the police today for the first time. I was having a normal day when I saw him, the man who stole my tips. There was no money in my jar (luckily, but also sadly) and so instead of trying to steal more nonexistent tips, he asked me if there was a key for the bathroom. I told him no, that there was a public restroom that he could use. As soon as he left the caffe I called the police over. I reported that he was in the bathroom. Then they went over into the men's bathroom and waited. I was observing from behind the counter at a distance. Ten minutes passed and nothing. I started to think he didn't have to go to the bathroom, or he was just taking a very big poo. But the police finally tracked him down outside the stall. Then I filled out a report. Then the police took his information but proceeded to do absolutely nothing. Ten minutes later he was reported trying to steal tips from somebody else. Good work cops. Thank you for being there to serve and protect.

Snuggie

2009-11-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

There is a guy who has started to come in. When he opens his mouth he sounds like he should be talking all the time. He has a very deep sultry voice but at the same time he’s a bit nerdy looking, so it’s quite shocking. For some reason, this is a bit attractive. Of course we got to talking, and then he shocked me again.

Jean Claude: It’s perfect weather for a snuggie

Me: Oh my gosh! I have one of those

Jean Claude: Are you serious?

Me: Would I lie about that?

Jean Claude: Wow, I have never actually met anybody who owned one.

Me: Yes, I got one as soon as they came out

Jean Claude: That’s truly amazing. Do you actually wear it?

Me: All the time.

Jean Claude: You should wear it to work

Me: I will be more prepared next time you come in

So Jean Claude wins some points.

- Knew what a snuggie was

- Ordered a black coffee

- Sat in the caffe reading a book that wasn’t a comic book or Mens Health

- Tall

- Deep voice

- Not socially awkward

We’ll see what happens next time he comes in. Maybe he will give me another snuggie as a gift. Then I can wear one the right way, the other backwards, and have my whole body covered in a blanket but still be able to move my arms.

Fallen

2009-11-14T22:53:00.000-08:00

When I come to work, sometimes I want it to be busy and sometimes I want it to be slow. I guess it depends if I have work to finish. Today was quite busy. I had a line of people and an old guy at the end of the line. I kept hearing things crash and looking over. The old man kept knocking things over and not picking them up. Then he fell into the pastry case. I was wondering if something was wrong with him. I thought maybe he was retarded. By the time he got up to the counter and ordered his double espresso in a slurred speech, I realized that he didn’t have any actual physical problems, he was just drunk at 2pm. He did give me a $5 tip so that was acceptable. I handed him his little drink and put a lid on it, just in case. He asked me where the straws were so I pointed. I am not sure what happened between me pointing and him getting an actual straw, but I do know that 30 seconds later he was on the floor. I saw the newspaper kiosk fly across the caffe and then he was just laying there. I almost wanted to laugh but then he proclaimed “I’m just so sad!” I mean I would be sad if my zipper were open, I was drunk, I peed my pants, and I fell on the ground too. So I helped him up, re-made his drink, and then he wanted to thank me for being “so strong” by giving me a kiss. I told him no thank you. He finally made it out the caffe, only to stand right outside the entrance shouting “I’m sorry” every couple of minutes.

Unemployed

2009-11-13T22:52:00.000-08:00

Generally I like repeat customers because I like to consider them my friends. Unless the repeat customer is Stick or Goldteeth, I am very friendly to them. I have a new repeat customer in the form of a very small older man. He orders the same thing every time, usually four times a day. I think it’s a little excessive but I guess the guy needs his coffee. I think 3 cups was a bit too much caffeine for him because then he started to talk, too much. Apparently he is unemployed. I understand that dilemma. I tried to help him and give him some possible options. That’s when I learned of his misdemeanor. Well good thing he only comes in 4 times a day instead of 5

A relationship with Stick

2009-11-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

Stick decided to come for a visit today. He hadn’t been in for awhile, I started to consider myself lucky. But today, he was angry and decided that I would be the one to hear his story. Stick is clearly upset that Tatiana refuses to date him. Keep in mind that Tatiana is 27 years old. Stick is in his 60s. Stick has a stupid hair cut. Tatiana is super cute. Stick has a fake tooth, Tatiana has all her real teeth. Stick, I think, is a pedophile. Tatiana is not. Obviously nobody would date Stick unless they were just as crazy as him.

Stick ordered his drink and then talked to me about how Tatiana lost. I wondered what Tatiana lost but I didn’t dare ask that question. I didn’t want him to continue, even though I was quite amused.

Stick: You know I just finished a job, 7.8 million, and now I am moving projects, this one will be 4.3 million.

Me: Congratulations. That means you can leave me a big tip

Stick: You know, Tatiana is really losing right now

Me: Really?

Stick: Yeah. You can tell her that she lost out

Me: Okay, I will make sure to let her know

Stick: I don’t get why she’s with that guy. He sags his pants

Me: Well, that’s what she likes

Stick: Tell her when she wants to get with a real man…

Me: I don’t think you can call yourself a real man

Stick: Well, tell her that she really lost. Look at me

Me: I am. She seems to be happy. I think you are more upset about this

Stick: No, she really lost

Me: Okay, well hopefully sometime you will find someone for you. Good luck

Stick: Even though I am changing jobs, I know where you are. I am right here with you sweetheart. Love you babe.

Then he kissed his hand and reached out and touched my forehead. I bet tomorrow I will have a huge pimple there. And he wonders why he doesn’t have a girlfriend? Maybe he should start by getting a better hair cut, then a complete attitude adjustment.

Veterans Day

2009-11-11T22:51:00.000-08:00

The good news is that today I didn’t have a pimple from Stick but who knows, there is still time. In honor of Veteran’s Day we decided to give away free latte’s to veterans. I was wondering how many people would come in and pretend they were Veterans.

The morning started off quite well and then the afternoon came around and all the fake veterans decided to come around. The best was a young man who looked like he had never gone through any sort of training in his life. He was also dressed up like a girl. He wanted a free latte so I asked for his Veteran’s card. Obviously he didn’t have one on him but he said he’d be right back with one. I waited but he never came back. Maybe he got lost trying to locate his Veteran’s card?

Particulars

2009-11-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

Some people are very particular about things. Some examples are:

- Shoes
- Cinnamon Rolls
- Nachos
- Jeans
- TV programs
- Toothpaste

Judy is particular about absolutely everything. I sometimes wonder if she means to put the lipstick on her teeth. She is particular about her latte, her punch card, the hand sanitizer, and now she has become particular about the cookies. Today I had to pull out all the cookies so she could observe which one was the largest, had the most nuts, and was in the best circular shape. She bought 2 because she wasn't sure that the cookies would be as big tomorrow. Okay Judy, the cookies come fresh everyday, they always have the same things in them, and you wrapping it in a bag and taping it, doesn't make it just as fresh the next day. I wonder what the process was like for selecting her husband.

Bragging Rights

2009-11-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

I love people who brag about themselves. I especially love how they find a way to throw their skill into every conversation. It's actually quite a talent to be able to do that without embarrassment. One person who has this skill-set is Antonio the janitor. When I say skill, you might think I am meaning it in a positive way, but actually I am talking about it as a negative skill.
There was a customer today who was a bragger himself. Before he even ordered his drink I learned about his amazing dance skills, his ability to play music, and the fact that he can speak 3 languages. And then he ordered a little girly, a big white mocha with caramel and whip cream. Instead of going to sit down, he instead stood next to the counter talking to me how he has amazing rhythm even though he's never formally taken a dance class. I pretended to stop listening, he kept talking. Then I thought, why don't you dance your way out of the caffe Antonio II.

the Homosexuals

2009-11-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

I like to think that I am accepting of all people. I went to a school that was quite diverse in all sense of the word. Some people, however, are not aware that there are all different sorts of people in the world. This one person shall be called Bernard. I don't like that name unless it's prefixed with "Saint."
Bernard comes in a couple times a week and always orders an ice cream. Recently, he has started to order 2 ice creams and I can bet a plate of the best nachos that he eats them both. He is a very cynical older man and claims that everybody is rude in the city. I like to claim that they are only rude to HIM because he is rude. But I don't say that out loud in front of him.
Today, I was scooping his ice cream when he decided it was a good idea to start talking about "the homosexuals."

Bernard: The homosexuals are going to cease to exist
Me: What?
Bernard: In a few years, there won't be any left
Me: And who decided this? Hitler?
Bernard: No. I know this is going to happen. God would never allow it. You know, you're Muslim. They don't accept homosexuals.
Me: I'm not Muslim, and yes I do accept them. I have lots of friends who are gay
Bernard: That's disgusting. Well, God will have them wiped out soon. Moses didn't say anything about this in the Bible. People might as well start having sex with goats.
Me: Hmmmm, I don't really think that works that way. Seems to me you need to meet more people
Bernard: I don't need to meet any more people. They are all rude and horrible.
Me: Well, then I guess you are out of luck
Bernard: I lived with a homosexual once, and I know he wanted to have sex with me. So I told him that I wasn't going to have sex with me and then he tried to stab me with a knife.
Me: I'm sure that happened. Well, that's only one person.
Bernard: It's still disgusting
Me: The sun is coming out, maybe you should eat your ice cream outside

I think next week I will find a turban and wear it to work.

Godparents

2009-11-05T10:21:00.000-08:00

There are lots of words with "parent" in them.
- Parent
- Parents
- apparent
- Godparent

Today, I am speaking on behalf of godparents. It's a big responsibility. Not many people know what is involved. Depending on your heritage, you may have different responsibilities or more responsibilities. One person learned that the hard way, and that person was a police officer. He became a godparent to a Mexican family. In accepting the offer he didn't know what was involved. $500 later he learned that being a godparent means buying a dress, throwing a party, and making sure to always remember the children's future birthdays. It's almost like having a child of your own. For some reason, unknown to me, I heard about this today. And then I got asked to be a godparent by a different officer. I said I wanted something in return because I don't need to be a parent just yet. Then he asked what I would like? Then I said, "free protection." As soon as he started laughing, I realized I probably should have come up with something else, like a uniform. And that's just why I am not ready to be a godparent yet.

Peace and Sake

2009-11-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

Some people drink on the job. Others drink off the job. Some even drink before their jobs. I do all of the above but usually with caffeine instead of alcohol. I sometimes wish I could pour myself a mixed drink behind the counter and enjoy a little cocktail behind the counter. But then people might get their orders messed up, so I guess I will hold off on that for now.

I have a married couple who are customers of mine and it seems that almost ever day they are getting drinks after work together. I think it’s really cute. I’m also jealous at the same time because I want to do that. I told them the other day that next time, I’m coming with them for a drink no matter what (I’m sure they wanted an extra daughter). Today, they showed up with a little surprise for me! I was so excited because I love surprises and this surprise was in a backpack! When they unzipped it, inside were 2 bottles of sake. No, they didn’t give me the 2 bottles but they took 2 small cups and poured me some so I could try both. I flashed them a quick peace sign before they ran off, and began my taste test. It was pretty amazing. I knew one day this job would lead me to drinking.

Shoniqua on a diet Part II

2009-11-03T10:21:00.000-08:00

Some of my new food obsessions consist of hot chocolate, pumpkin anything, and of course, as usual, nachos. I think Shoniqua also likes a bit of sugar. I think she has maybe lost 1 pound, or gained 2 pounds, I am not sure, because she keeps changing her hair which throws me off. Today she came in and I was expecting her to get some Kashi cereal again. She threw me for a loop and instead ordered herself the largest Italian Soda with cream and whip cream and a piece of pumpkin pie. At the point I figured she dropped her diet. As she was eating her pie she told me “Oh man, this is horrible for my diet. I really shouldn’t be eating this but it’s so good.” I had to laugh of course. But then she came back a few hours later, starving, and bought a banana. That’s a start Shoniqua. Nice work!

Muslims

2009-11-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

Some people are very happy all the time. Some people are cynical and pessimistic. I put those two together mostly because I get to meet more of those people on a daily basis. There is a man who comes in a few times a week, and it’s the same thing every time. He loves to complain. Mostly about how people don’t like him and how people are rude. Apparently he’s never looked in the mirror, but perhaps I should bring one to work next time. He always wears a green stocking hat, these oval glasses, and has really bad teeth. We’ll call him Chaz, mostly because I don’t like that name.

Chaz thinks that I am Italian. I let it go the first couple of times but after week 2 I realized that I should probably tell him that I’m not Italian so he can stop making Italian comments to me. I told him that I was Middle Eastern (big mistake) and immediately he assumed I was Muslim. I told him no, I wasn’t, but he kept telling me how Muslim people are the nicest people. Also Buddhist people. Then he ended by saying that he met a person with a Turban once.

The Gangs all Back

2009-10-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

The motorcycle/bowling team came back today. I was hoping they might have forgotten about me, but they didn't. They remembered I was the girl who made the "ball" comment. I tried to ask if they remembered to bring me my jacket but they didn't. Then they said that I had to earn the jacket. Somehow to earn a jacket one must leg wrestle the members of the motorcycle gang. I don't know about you, but this does not seem like an equal deal to me. I think I will just make my own jacket and wear it next time they come in. That will show them. I don't have time to play games.

Then a man came in and he seemed really cute. Future boyfriend? I think I should start having an application for them to fill out before I get involved, just to make sure they are at least the same age as me. However, I had a good feeling about this one. I mean, he had a suitcase with him and he didn't look homeless. He even told me that I could make him whatever drink I wanted. I made him close his eyes so that it could seem like a real surprise. I think he really appreciated the fact that I made it like a real surprise. So I presented him with my newest made up drink. He seemed to like it. I thought this was good flirting. Then I asked him if he was traveling or what. And he said no. Then I said, well why do you have a suitcase then. He answered, for clothes. I had no idea what that meant. Then he continued, "yeah, this way I can just change my clothes when I want." Of course I would find him cute. But then he said, "Just kidding!" What a guy, he knows how to joke. Then we were talking for a bit. He introduced himself as Johnny. Then another customer came and he started to walk backwards and crashed into our display case. Cute. Maybe he'll be back...with a surprise for me!

Herbal Teas

2009-10-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

As I was walking to work today, it was raining. I was thinking about different things, like hot chocolates and cars, and then I slipped in a puddle. I think it was pretty funny, at least I had to pretend because I happened to fall right in front of a bus stop full of people. I slid down the hill, did something similar to the splits, and screamed OOOOO. Nobody helped. I still made it to work on time despite the quick obstacle. I was hoping this wouldn't be an omen for what my day would be. But it was...

- dropped a milk jug on my foot
- had milk explode onto my shirt
- flipped over a container of chocolate
- cut my hand on a yogurt container

Just kidding. Those things didn't happen, just the cut with the yogurt container. But I did have a lady order an herbal tea. She was quite annoying. Then I started to think about herbal teas instead of hot chocolates and realized that I find most people who get herbal teas to be very annoying. This lady especially. I heard about her nature camps, how herbal tea affects her digestive system, and how she makes all her own shirts out of hemp. After hearing all this I told her that I liked to drink just hot water and smiled. She smiled. Then I told her I met a lady who poked her eye out the other day. I bet herbal tea can't cure that.

Diets

2009-10-28T23:28:00.000-07:00

I like the word diet, but only when it is said backwards. Then it sounds cooler and also like it's a word in German, Steid. Diets are too hard to follow in my opinion. Once I tried to be on one, but then all I could think about was food so clearly I gave that one up. I think it lasted all of 3 days. I also love when people come to order drinks and inform me they are on a diet. I especially love it when they order a blended 20 ounce mocha immediately after, but tell me to forget the whip cream because of their diet. I always want to say, well, the whole drink sort of contradicts your diet anyway so why not add the whip cream, but then again, I'm not the one on a diet.

Antonio has recently informed me of his diet. I forgot to tell him that I don't really care, but he comes in every single day to let me know of his progress. Apparently, today, he is down to 198 pounds. The things he can now do at 198 pounds are:

- bend over and tie his shoes
- sweep the floors with more energy
- Be a jerk for longer with his newly increased stamina
- Wear his zip-up fleece vest, zipped up

I tried to ignore him but it's hard when someone is standing directly in front of you demonstrating their new skill set and rubbing their belly at the same time.

Then another man came in shortly afterwards. He was a boxer in his day. We will call him Ken. He comes in every single evening. He also repeats the same things every single time. It is going on month 6 of me hearing about his days as a boxer. I think he got punched one too many times that he can't seem to remember ever telling me any of this. Poor Ken. Where's Barbie? Before he left, he told me about the pimples developing on his forehead. He seemed unhappy about this, especially since he's over 50. Hmmmm....

And then just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I spied Silver Fox, and then everything was ok.

Russian has finally returned

2009-10-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

I was starting to think that Russian had actually made it in the music business. It had been a few months since I had seen him. Last thing I heard, he was headed to Miami to meet with some serious producers. I thought he was lying, then I thought, maybe I should have been nicer. Then today, he showed up out of the blue. I decided to ask him about his trip to Miami. Turns out, he never went. "Work" got in the way. I'm sure. So he never even went to Miami. I mean MIA, excuse me. So I asked if he was still doing music. Honest question. But now, apparently, he's over it. And to think I ALMOST thought he was serious about a music career. Now, he's focusing on taking a trip to Europe, to go back to his Russian roots. Maybe he will learn to speak some Russian before he goes. Perhaps next time I will suggest that to him.

Missing Eye

2009-10-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

I think because I have an issue with eyes, I keep meeting people with eye issues. I try not to focus on it too much, but sometimes, it's very difficult and I can't help myself. Most times I wonder what happened, and other times I have to wonder where they are looking. I try to find these answers tactfully but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes I walk quickly back and forth behind the counter to see which eye is following me. Other times I try to talk about a personal accident and see if they tell me about theirs. Today, I didn't even have to do anything special. This lady just came right out and told me.

Yunis: Hey!
Me: Hi
Yunis: It's my birthday today
Me: Happy Birthday
Yunis: Yeah, but I poked my eye out 4 days ago
Me: Ouch, yeah, it looks like that happened
Yunis: Yeah, it was really bad. I almost died
Me: I'm sorry. Well I am happy you are alive now
Yunis: It was so scary. I mean, look at my eye.
Me: I did
Yunis: I have these glasses now. I guess I had them before but now I only see out of one side. I almost died! Then I wouldn't have been able to celebrate my birthday

And then she kept going. I went into the back room to re-stock and came out 3 minutes later and she was still going. I guess it was devastating. To me too Yunis. Maybe you should consider getting a glass eye so that your eye flap doesn't just hang over. I know someone who can help you out.

Hand Sanitizer

2009-10-23T13:41:00.000-07:00

With the flu going around, everybody is in constant fear of getting sick. I like to think that I am immune to these kinds of sicknesses. Maybe that's because I also already had the swine flu and lived through it.

In honor of the flu we decided to put hand sanitizer on the counter so people can keep germ free hands. Sometimes I don't really like the smell of it, but other times, I appreciate the strong smell because it beats the smell of B.O.

Today Big Cop wrote $0.25 per pump on the container. And then everybody thought I was actually charging for the sanitizer. I thought it was funny. Big Cop thought it was even funnier. Some people didn't get the joke so I was forced to wipe it off. Reminded me of the time I wrote "Liquids = Death" on the trash can.

Gay Jokes

2009-10-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

Everybody loves a good joke. I especially love jokes. I used to memorize a joke a day to be cool. I think I used to do this because I was shy and didn't know how to make friends and this for some reason, made me more popular. Then when I stopped being shy, I switched to pick up lines and forgot all my jokes.

Antonio the janitor still likes to tell jokes. This, however, doesn't make him cooler. If the jokes were good, then I might like him more, but they aren't. His joke repertoire began with mostly sexual jokes but now he has switched to telling only gay jokes. These I find even less amusing mostly because they are offensive and also because they all have the same punchline-"and he was gay!" You'd think he would stop telling me them since he's always the only one laughing, but that doesn't seem to stop him. Then he showed me a picture of him in his younger and hotter. This picture consisted of him in tight white pants and a tight white shirt plus pointy black shoes. Antonio, are you sure you aren't gay?

Syrians

2009-10-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

A cute couple walks into the caffe. They ask for a cup of coffee. I say "we're out!" Funny joke huh? Not really. I just made it up.

But seriously there is a very cute couple. They sit for at least an hour and have coffee and talk. The man is from Libya, the girl is from here. He has an accent so naturally I asked him where he was from. And then I shared my roots with him. He found out that I was middle Eastern. I thought this was great except for the fact that I can't speak any Arabic. That seemed ok for him too because he said, well, Syrian women are the best. They take very good care of their men.

I think that this is only true in Syria. But I made sure to tell him that I would inform my Dad of this well known fact so he knows how good he has it.

Thank you Libya + girlfriend.

Burgers!

2009-10-20T03:43:00.000-07:00

One thing I love is a good burger. I also like not so good burgers, but that depends on how hungry I am. There is a place, it is called Red Mill Burgers and it's delicious. It is better than In N' Out in my opinion, which is a very big opinion.

I was selling coffee today, as usual, but also hot dogs. Then a lady walked up. We started talking. Then she told me she was the girlfriend of the guy who owns and started Red Mill Burger. Because of how quick she was to proclaim that, I am guessing that a lot of people know her status. She's sort of like a celebrity, if being associated with burgers is similar to being associated with tv or magazines. I'm not one to knock someone down (unless they are creepy), so I acted very impressed. I didn't really need to act that well because I was impressed. How do I get a boyfriend who owns a restaurant? Is the guy who owns In N' Out currently available? Since there is no tactful way to ask her how she managed to land that guy as her boyfriend, I listened to her talk about burgers with enthusiasm, waiting for her to give me a coupon or something for a free burger. That never came. I thought she might even invite me to have a burger with her sometime or give me the VIP number to call and pre-order. Apparently we weren't thinking along the same lines.

And then after all that talking, she ordered him a hot dog. Hey, wait a minute lady, I thought he only ate hamburgers?

The Return and Departure of GoldTeeth

2009-10-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

I started to think that Goldteeth finally realized I wasn't, nor ever would be interested in him. But then I'd also have to ask myself, "could I really be that lucky?"
Today was Goldteeth's most amazing visit. he walked in with luggage (I obviously took that as a positive sign). He seemed sad because he is now officially leaving the country for 6 months. I, on the other hand, couldn't hold in my excitement.

GT: Hey Baby! You know I have to leave for awhile?
Me: (I thought the day would never come). Well, have a safe trip
GT: Yeah Baby, you know, I'm going to have to do a lot of things out there. I don't wanna leave but I got to, you know, so people like you can stay here.
Me: Yeah...
GT: So where I'm going, you know, it's going to be summer and then I get back and it will be summer here!
Me: Fascinating
GT: You still have my number right baby? You know you never called me.
Me: I know
GT: Okay baby, check to see if you still have my number
Me: Do you want room for cream in your coffee?
GT: You know, on the boat we're going to have to go on a treader a lot so I can't be having cream
Me: A treader?
GT: Yeah
Me: What's a treader?
GT: You know, a machine to get you into shape
Me: A treader?
GT: Treader, Threader, something like that
Me: Treadmill?
GT: Yeah! You know baby I've never been on one before
Me: I wouldn't doubt it
GT: I'm going to miss you but you know I'm going to think about you a lot
Me: Please don't
GT: Yeah baby, I will. You'll be here when I get back right?
Me: I hope not
GT: Yeah, well you have to be here. It's your job.
Me: But I might have another one by then
GT: Yeah baby, I can see that. You would make a great teacher or lawyer.
Me: I don't want to be a lawyer
GT: Yeah baby, either a teacher or a lawyer
Me: Not a lawyer
GT: That's how I see you, you know. Teacher or Lawyer. You'd be great.

And then he was ready to go. I was ready for him to go. I waved excitedly until he surprise attacked...with a hug. He just went in for the kill. I was paralyzed. And then he kissed me on the cheek. I was still paralyzed. Then he winked at me and went to collect his luggage again. I finally came to and ran to the sink to wash off any leftover remnants of Goldteeth. And while I scrubbed I thought "how did that just happen?"

Oh Goldteeth, always full of surprises!

the real Oktoberfest

2009-10-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

Now it is the month of October which means you can actually celebrate Oktoberfest. I think when you can celebrate something, it's always a good idea. I try to celebrate something everyday. Today I celebrated everybody who ordered a black drip coffee. I think they appreciated it, especially when I said Congratulations to them. After all, everybody wants to be a winner.

Big Cop came back again. Today he visited a grand total of 6 times though he only purchased things 2 of those times. At least he tried to help me find the guy who stole my tips.

For the 4th day in a row, he informed me that I have until Saturday to come up with a good excuse for why I can't go out with him. I just don't get it? He clearly doesn't get it. How do you convince someone to go out with you by having them come up with excuses for why they can't? I will not be worn down.

Today I came up with a good excuse, or so I thought. I said that I was not available this weekend because I was going to the real Oktoberfest. I said that I was being picked up in a private plane to go to Germany for Oktoberfest and wouldn't be back until work starts again Monday morning. Just for extra measure, I added that I roll with a pretty intense crew. I figured he would figure it out.

On visit number 6 he asked me if I was ready for my big trip. I had no idea what he was talking about. Unfortunately, that's how he figured out that I lied. And I thought the private plane gave it away.